I met this guy on Hinge, and from the very start it felt easy. He actually followed through on meeting up and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. We decided to go on a hike for our first date, and I didn’t have huge expectations. But it ended up being really special.
We talked, laughed, had a few quiet moments that somehow didn’t feel awkward, and then shared this really sweet, unexpected kiss. I was super shy but he leaned it and it was perfectly imperfect.
It was my first date since a breakup a year and a half ago, and honestly, I’ve been craving connection. I’ve been thinking about what I want in a partner and who I want to be when this person comes into my life. I’d say I’m in a really great place in my life and have created my precious little bubble around my heart to protect my peace. Anyway, after the date, we kept talking. He was reciprocal, checked in about my day, asked questions, and seemed genuinely kind.
And of course, my brain went into overdrive. When you’ve been touch-deprived for a while, your body just floods you with endorphins and adrenaline. I kept replaying the date, the kiss, his voice. I could barely sleep or focus. I lost my appetite. I kept telling myself to take it slow, to be grounded, but found it so hard to just relax.
By the time our second date came around, I was exhausted and my jaw was so sore from constant smiling ( still feels like such a wild thing to complain about). The energy felt a little off, maybe because I wasn’t fully present. But when I mentioned it, he said, “Just being in your presence is enough. I’m in good company.” I didn’t expect to invite him over, but I did.
I showed him my apartment as an effort to bring him into my world just a little bit, but I was also apprehensive because it is my safe space and I put so much good energy into making it my sacred home. We started making out, hugging, cuddling. It felt so good like our bodies were perfectly molded to each other. He’s so soft and warm like a cozy drink on a chilly evening. The affection felt so cutesy, like I’m not sure how else to explain it. Rubbing our noses against each other, kissing each other’s forehead and cheek, caressing each other’s hair. It was simply tender. Later that night we got close, but didn’t have sex. I wasn’t ready, and I told him that. He was respectful but still managed to get me naked. I’m at a point where I see intimacy as something deep and spiritual, not casual. I’ve had my share of meaningless hookups when I was younger, but now I want something that feels safe and deeply meaningful and passionate. We both ended up going down on each other and I was juggling feelings of both, wow this feels amazing, and also I’m skeptical, how could it feel this amazing only meeting him for the second time ever?
Since then, I’ve been in this strange in-between. He told me he really likes me and that he’s not going anywhere, but I still don’t know what he’s really looking for. I haven’t asked yet, maybe because I don’t want to ruin whatever this is by making it too serious too soon. But I’m also primed to scope out red flags early on and to try to find the cracks in what may just be an innocent, good thing.
It’s just wild how one person can show up and suddenly everything inside you starts churning. I’m trying to stay calm, to not let my mind run away with the story, to just enjoy getting to know him without clinging to an outcome. But I also don’t want to hold back out of fear. I’m scared and excited, and also completely clueless about dating etiquette and if I want to signal to him that I won’t stand to be taken advantage of, how slow should I take it?