I’ve been feeling lonely.
They say conversation is a two way street but that’s not how it’s been for me.
When I get someone’s phone number, I’m always the one to reach out to them. About once a week, I’ll reach out to check in, send a funny meme they may like or something like that. Most of the time it feels like pulling teeth to get an answer. It could be hours or days just to get a one word response if I get one at all.
There have been some exceptions, sometimes the conversation goes well and they seem responsive. If they are responsive, I’ll try come up with something fun to do and invite them even some casual group thing. They’ll just usually say it’s busy with some excuse or again not respond. This makes me think most socializing happens online these days?
I’m not a fan of it but have been trying to increase online presence on things like IG. I’ve been adding more people that I know in real life. For some reason, women especially seem to be weird with it. I tried adding private accounts that women give me, they’ll accept my follow request but not follow back and not sure why or what the point of that is? I’ll like or comment on friends stories but more often then not it gets left on seen and they won’t even like the message.
It feels like I’m the one always putting in effort to be social but get nobody reaches out to me. As an experiment, I stopped contacting everyone for a month. The only ones to reach out on text were my mom and my boss. Lol
I’m just wondering if this is the new normal or is it me and how I’m talking to people? As a man, how can I encourage people to reach out to me more often?
27 comments
Not all people are instigators of anything. You may be.
Also you may think you have friends. But friends say more than one word. They talk. They engage. If they don’t want to actually hang out then they aren’t friends. They just can’t tell you directly
It’s called adulting. It’s hard to give yourself to people on top of responsibilities. We are all tired!
Get comfortable being alone. I use to do this all the time too, especially growing up never having many friends and having a rough up bringing. I tried so hard to make friends, but I always found myself being the odd man out in friend groups like them already having a best buddy or everyone knows each other for years. I always had to reach out and when I stopped I never heard shit, so fuck it I gave up. Now I just sit here alone, and for the most part it’s ok. Just find some hobbies you don’t mind doing by yourself and you’ll be set. I’ve yet a way to figure out another way around this, and I just don’t care enough anymore so yeah sorry man I know it’s rough
Read the book atomic attraction. Most dudes read it with the intention of getting a gf. However its principles are universal.
People naturally want to be around fun, charismatic, high status, good looking people. Whether they consciously know it or not.
Yeah, we dont want a text conversation.
I’d join you after work for a drink to catch up and talk but not gonna do a back and forth essay with someone over text.
Think of attention as social currency. If you’re spending it everywhere, giving it to everyone… it loses value. Stop trying to be everyone’s friend. People can sense desperation. Be comfortable with doing things by yourself instead of trying so hard to get people to like you. You’ll attract people easier when you just do your own thing. As soon as you stop caring more people will notice “This person doesn’t need anyone. I want to be his friend” instead of “This person is needy. I should stay away from them.” A person who enjoys life on their own gives off interesting vibes and more people will want to know you.
Practice being detached. If you’re the one constantly trying to make people laugh or initiate conversation with people at work, even if it’s just “hi” & “hello” take that shit back and save your social currency for people who matter because you’re going to burn yourself out trying to be what everyone wants you to be instead of just showing up for yourself.
Find Hobbies
Be more attractive physically and spiritually…
I can only speak for me. I have completely shut myself off from people. Over the years life long friends have stopped reaching out, and new people wanting to be friends I avoided. Great people all around, I just want to be left alone. Some of them could just be odd like me, and nothing wrong with you.
I’m 42, no social skills and kids. All the friends I’ve made over the years have faded away; death, kids immigration and hell just found different paths. Now I’m married with two young kids so not much in the way of time, I also have to go into work which is honestly a drain.
I could go out with the people I work with, they all work in an OR and are constantly trying to socialize with each other but that’s a nope for me. I never do anything with the people I work with as a rule.
I do play football (soccer) coed, i don’t get too close with the people there but we do go out for drinks, invite each other to birthdays and that kind of thing. Now because of the kids I don’t go out of my way to do things with them but when I was single this was how I made connections.
Find something you love and do it with people that love it as well, the ones that love it vs the ones that kind of like it will become apparent and you will make a mad amount of friends.
Good luck and don’t give up, more people than you think are in the same boat.
Reach out for what? That’s life as a male bud. One sided relationships last until you die and you wife and kids fight over the .74 cents you have left because you’ve spend every last dollar on making their lives better.
You sound like someone who is proactive and that’s commendable. I found that by organizing events that appeal to the kinds of people I’m interested in meeting, puts me at the center of things. People want to invite me out and be my friend. When they do, I nurture those relationships. You need to meet people who are open to new friends and the best way is connect with them at events and social circles, I’ve found. I hope that helps.
Damn these replies are making me depressed just reading them 😭
I believe this is the new normal but you are also trying too hard. You can tell what people care about by looking at where they invest their time. These people don’t value your presence or the time you are willing to give. Don’t take it personally though. They have their own lives to live.
I think you should do the same and focus on living a good life. If someone comes into your orbit then only invest as much energy as they are willing to give in turn.
I stopped reaching out first. I wished him happy birthday in 2024. I just wished him it again and literally 0 texts happened in those 365 days lol.
Fortunately when we do meet up it’s like normal. But damn it id like to not feel like a ghost other days.
Looks like the problem is that the majority of your communication is digital. Organize to hang out with people in person or do more in person socializing.
Ditto. During a rough time (death in close family) I was full of empathy, completely torn in two emotionally, I reached out, but hand slapped, no help from anyone. When older, survived but now no matter what I do, no one responds. So I say screw it. I’m close to people who care about me and vice versa. Anyone else can F.O. If you’re a Wuthering Heights fan (the book or the movie), then imagine me as the returned Heathcliff.
I would say two things here. First, get comfortable with being alone. Two, clearly express your need for company to the people who care. Do not assume others just know that you want to be reached out to. This would obviosuly not work for everyone but you lose nothing here.
You actually can’t! A lot of people probably adore you, but they don’t initiate hangouts. Lots of people are like that.
It’s normal for a lot of people. Honestly I’m not much of a reach out person either. My friends/family know this of me so it’s what they expect.. I also don’t typically expect people to reach out to me
I think you have to get new friends that mesh more with your social expectations.
I’m 36, and currently I have few IRL friendships but I have a ton of true friends that live too far away from me. Those people far away are the best people I know, and sometimes I get to see them for a few days at a time when I travel. I like my time alone more and more, been reading a ton, but when I get to see my true friends it’s always awesome.
It’s partly our generation OP. When we were younger, guys didn’t relate outside of shared context (school, university, or a team sport). Often it revolved around heavy drinking. Once those situations ended and people get busy with career/family and there’s no longer any accepted context in which to hang out, those connections disintegrated.
And even without responsibilities getting in the way, a lot of men this age don’t seem to have hobbies and aren’t willing to get out of their comfort zone. If it’s not their most favourite thing in the world, assuming they even have such a thing, they just won’t do it.
Sounds arrogant, but at 46 it feels like I’m surrounded by boring old men, many of them alcoholics with unaddressed depression and I can’t be bothered trying with them. It’s simpler doing things on your own rather than attempting to bring unenthusiastic parties into it.
You really need to forget about a social circle or community if you’re a 30+ straight guy.
Oh yeah it’s gonna happen a lot. I personally have just deleted some contacts cause over the years they just ignore my messages or calls unless they specifically needed something from me. Friendships of 15+ years pretty much nonexistent so why bother with them? Let me put that effort towards those that do respond and care
Habe you told them?
It’s a midlife thing, people are generally very comfortable saying home. And, if this has been happening for a while, they’re accustomed to you handling communication.
The text once In a while is important though, could keep someone off the ledge.
Main trick is to ask a small favor of them. Don’t do it in the first conversation but when you get a chance asking them to get the time, for a recipe, or whatnot subconsciously makes people think “oh hey I did a favor for this guy, I probably get along with them” rather than the other way around. It’s not foolproof and asking for something inconvenient that annoys them will backfire, but it might help.
In a similar vein, from the way you describe your proactivity I get the sense you might be perceived as pushy. It seems paradoxical after recommending you ask them for a favor, but sometimes a meme or recurring checkin when I’m not interested feels like more of an imposition. Speaking of, how do you try doing group things? Those usually don’t fire until a few people are confirmed to go since there just being 2 people at a group event feels off. Maybe try co-hosting when you and one other have an idea?
If you feel lonely then have a relationship with a partner. Other men aren’t going to do that for you. Women especially reacting to social media, doesn’t happen because it’s just not safe. People get the idea that that “means something”. And it’s easier just not to deal with it. I imagine for most people in their 40s it’s about family or job, and other stuff is just not important.
Looks like all of us have congregated us, but none of us are willing to make moves like do actions such as send message online to get people to talk to you. It takes effort and skills.
I know what you mean, it’s weird where I live a very in-person-centric way of living your life even in people younger than me. I’m in my late 40s and work in technology, so I’m comfortable in both worlds but it is hard sometimes to reconcile and having 3 kids to run after makes in-person interactions hard outside the kids’ activities. I’ll keep trying though