My boyfriend (24M, we will call him Jake) and I (22F) have been together for a little over a year. We are both in college— I am finishing up my senior year and he has just started undergrad. Some background on our relationship: We met at a really inopportune point in my life. I had gotten out of a 4 year relationship two months previous because my partner had cheated on me. When I met Jake, I had no intention of being in a relationship, but he and I had just clicked. I was very clear with him that I was not necessarily ready, that we would be two hours apart while I was in school, and that I would be going abroad for several months later that year, but he was okay with that and we started dating casually. Within a month we had both fallen for each other really hard, and things started getting serious.
But after a year we have fallen into a rut. We are both unhappy in our relationship. I am super busy at school and I am trying to build community and spend time with my friends during my final year of school. I have had so many obligations for the last two months that it has been hard to keep up with everything in my life. Because I am so busy, my relationship has been put on the back burner for me. We have fought over this so many times, and have come up with “solutions” (scheduled facetime dates, alternating weekends of visits). While the FT has been really helpful for me, the alternating weekends are just not working. I suggested that we should try only seeing each other 2 weekends a month, but Jake doesn’t want to do long distance again. Even though it wouldn’t be as bad as it was while I was in another country, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be in a relationship like this.
I don’t know what I need. What I want is to do “long distance” of seeing each other when we can. I need some time to be an individual and to figure my shit out, but I also love him so much and I want to be together. Jake is my best friend and he pushes me towards emotional growth in a way that no one else has. But I am trying to think about myself, selfishly. That’s what he and I agreed to. I am just super lost and I don’t exactly know what to do.
I guess I’m looking for perspective — how do I balance needing independence and space with loving someone deeply? Is it possible to pause or reframe a relationship without it meaning the end? Has anyone else been through something similar and made it work?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) have been together a little over a year. We love each other deeply but are both unhappy right now — I’m finishing my senior year and overwhelmed with responsibilities, and he’s just starting college. The distance and different phases of life are creating tension. I want space to focus on myself without ending things, but he doesn’t want to do long distance again. We’re taking a short break to think about what we really want, and I feel lost about whether to keep trying or let go.