24F here with my boyfriend who is 28M. We’ve been dating for 2 and a half years now. I make more money than my boyfriend, and I also work from home. So I guess things are a little different than the traditional way of things. He cooks dinner most of the time (he prefers to) but obviously lunch and breakfast we do our own thing. After he cooks dinner I’ll wash the dishes, but because I wash the dishes for dinner that usually means I pick up the other dishes from earlier in the day (both mine and his). We always split the bill 50/50 except sometimes whenever there is somewhere specific I want to go he’ll say “we can go but you’re paying” so there are times when I pay in full. But there are also times when he pays in full so I’m not going to sit here and pretend like he doesnt. Driving is somewhat 50/50. It’s more he always drives and when he doesn’t feel like it he tells me to drive. Rent and all other expenses are 50/50.
Usually wouldn’t have a problem with this but I think his attitude is what is making me a bit resentful. He will always say “I always cook dinner, when’s the last time you cooked for me or packed my lunch?” Or he’ll say “whenever I drive I just feel like your personal driver.” Last but not least he always feels the need to count the number of times we’ve had sex. “We only did it 3 times this week.” And I don’t know, it always just seems like he’s complaining that I’m not doing enough even tho.. I think I’m pulling my weight?
I’ve had past relationships where it wasn’t so cut and dry 50/50. I lived with my previous ex as well. He made me more than me at the time. He paid rent, I paid electricity, internet, etc. (he offered to pay rent while I paid the amenities) he paid for dates, but I always cooked and cleaned at home. Not to mention, we had sex quite often (like once, maybe even twice, a day) but I think it was moreso my ex never gave me weekly metrics and was always appreciative of the things I’ve done and we were just overall more emotionally connected.
TL;DR Am I in the wrong here to feel at a disadvantage for doing 50/50? Part of me feels like I’m doing 50/50 but he is slowly trying to milk MORE than 50/50 out of me.
15 comments
Well the problem is not that you do 50/50 but that he complains about 50/50.
Have you asked him how he sees his role in your relationship? He’s not supposed to be a provider, but HE needs to pull HIS weight.
Have You asked him if he aspires to be a hobosexual? Or how would he feel to have the woman provide for him? Because that’s what it sounds like to me that this is his goal, is it?
It sounds like he’s keeping score. I’d be annoyed.
I guess I’d ask him what exactly he thinks is unfair but I suspect this won’t end well.
That’d be exhausting to live like that. My wife and I are partners and just share workload and don’t keep metrics. This could be a deal breaker in my mind, people with that kind of mindset seem to never learn.
He wants more than 50/50 in his favor and is being a passive aggressive weenie about it. And there’s more than just a whiff of misogyny and sexual coercion to it as well.
That’s what’s making you feel uncomfortable.
He’s a jerk.
Sounds to me like your bf sees this relationship as very transactional. It is ok if you are fine with splitting everything 50/50, but it sounds exhausting to treat every single activity this way.
What happens, if one of you is in a temporary disadvantaged position (sick or lost his job)? It seems like this person would be expected to make up for it later with house chords or money. I personally would feel very stressed out by this very strict 50/50 cut. You want a partner that supports you and not a partner that treats your personal life as a business activity.
You complain about 50/50 but you make more so financially in most relationships your share would be based on income not a set 50/50. How is cleaning split? What’s the end goal? Just dating and living together or more? Do you talk about this stuff? Have you told him it irritates you?
Why can’t you pack his lunch sometimes? Does he do nice things for you? If not why isn’t this discussed?
Men would never treat their dream woman like this.
Also, how do you go 50/50 on having to suffer through a monthly period, pregnancy, childbirth?
Tit for tat is childish. You both contribute.
You just feel disadvantaged due to his comments? Sex imo is a completely different issue. But he’s actually doing 50/50 right?
What about cleaning? We are the same whoever cooks, the other cleans.
I dated someone who was also very transactional like thi. Counted every dime spent on me and made sure to let me know. Said he felt like he was a chauffeur whenever he had to drive. Would throw tantrums if he had to pay gas money to take me anywhere. Insisted we split everything 50/50 but I carried 100/0 of chores, cooking, planning and emotional burdens. He happily mowed the lawn bc the neighbor paid him to do his side too. Expenses were very cut and dry and I was in charge of managing his life too. He was terrified of even buying me a coffee unless it was guaranteed and promised I would get the next coffee. He wanted sex as a reward for the smallest chores he did manage to do. I learned these types of guys don’t actually love, they want a bangmaid roommate who will help split bills and make their life easier.
It’s not about 50/50 it’s about what his behaviours reveal about how he truly thinks and feels about you.
> he always feels the need to count the number of times we’ve had sex. “We only did it 3 times this week.”
whaaaaaat the hell. please tell me you laugh in his face when this happens!
nothing wrong with wanting some more sex with your partner, but there are millions of better ways to communicate that!
does he have a sex calendar he keeps track of on his phone or something? or maybe there’s an iPeriod-style app that guys are using… iClimaxed 🤔
in all seriousness though, this guy sucks and you deserve a relationship that’s actually balanced and respectful.
A relationship can’t be a tally
This mindset didn’t work
This is so transactional. It would drive me insane.
He sounds very petty and immature. He doesn’t seem interested in sharing a life together with you, but would rather keep score.
I think you know what to do and should do it. I hope you can explain to him all the things that have turned you off. Hopefully, he may learn and want to change. You deserve better treatment than what this man is capable of giving.