Hi everyone! I hope this is the right sub to ask this question in. If not, I'd gladly take suggestions as to where to take my question!
My question is about a personal relationship I've had with a buddy of mine. Let's call him Bob. Bob and I have been friends for years. We've had that kind of relationship that while we don't see each other that often, we would always find time to hop on a game and hang out, and when we did see each other, it felt like a blast. Bob and I have a lot in common, and it always seemed to me like we just were always on the same wavelength. We could always talk about our mutual hobbies, watch movies together, or just vibe. If you had asked me about a year ago, I could honestly say that Bob and I were best friends. He's who I would absolutely ask to be my best man when I plan to get married.
I'll take a second to give some personal background on my friendships. As a relatively awkward male teen, I really struggled with male friendships. I never had tiktok or any other social medias growing up, and we didn't have a TV in the house for most of my life, so I never understood any of the references or inside jokes everyone had. That made the few friendships I did have all the more important to me, since I never really "understood" guys my age. The only super close friends I've ever had have been girlfriends, which worked out decently well for me, but I know that is not sustainable. Though my current girlfriend and I are best friends, we don't share all the same hobbies, so I cannot expect her to care about all my interests. Which is fine! That's what friends are for. That's what made my relationship with Bob so special. I felt like he was my buddy, someone who got the weird parts of me that no one else understood.
However, it seems that over the last few months, since maybe December of 2024, he and I have been growing apart. We're about 2.5 years apart in age, and so I went off to college while he was still in high school. This didn't seem to be a problem in my mind, since we still gamed and talked pretty often. But for whatever reason, as he was getting closer to graduating high school, I started to hear from him less and less. I didn't think anything of it, since I imagine, him being valedictorian and all, he must of been pretty busy, and so yeah, of course he can't game, or of course he hangs out with in person friends more. Seems perfectly reasonable. But over the course of spring, I rarely heard from him, and he seemed to be less friendly towards me. Not mean or cruel, just like we were acquaintances, rather than best friends.
Recently, I saw him again in person, and we just… didn't really vibe the same? Something seemed off, and idk, I really could never put my finger on quite what it was. Regardless, we played games a bunch, but it just felt odd. A summer went by, and he moved off to college, and since then I really haven't heard from him at all. He'll send me a picture of something he's doing every now and again, but compared to how we used to talk, it's basically nothing. In addition, he now posts a ton on Instagram, and I see from his stories and posts that he's got a new group of 2 – 3 friends that he hangs out with fairly consistently, which maybe rubs in that we're not friends anymore.
And it's not the first time this has happened. My other close friend, let's call him Dave, did a similar thing. He moved off to college, became the life of his friend group, and I stopped being important to him. He'd still call me, but during the 2 years we we're at different universities, he never once asked me how I was doing. I had a breakup, I moved colleges, my parents moved, got into a serious relationship, and never once did he ask me how I was doing. But it's fine, I still have Bob, and we're great friends, right?
I apologize for rambling, but it feels relatively complicated in my mind. I have so many feelings, and I simultaneously feel like I understand his perspective and my own at the same time. I've had relationships with people who were in all honesty, just relationships of happenstance. And once I moved away, they no longer remained friends, simply because we not longer have anything in common. And so from that perspective, I understand his POV, if that's how he feels. I was just a situational friend, and I don't really matter than much to him. That just really hurts to say.
I get that I am young, and that relationships don't last forever. I found the gym, and he found religion, and maybe that just means we're growing in separate directions. But at least to me, our relationship meant a lot to me, and I feel like it must be my fault in some way. Maybe in the same way I never felt like Dave cared about me, Bob felt like I didn't care about him? Maybe in Bob's mind, I was off at college having all these fun experiences, making new friends, and that he no longer mattered to me, which is obviously not true. Disappointingly, up until this year (my junior semester) I don't know that I've made a single friend that hasn't ghosted me once we aren't in a class together.
I am willing to accept that this is my fault. I really never understood friendships. It seems to come so naturally to everyone else, and despite how hard I try, I just can't seem to get anyone to want to hang out with me. I've felt awkward and stupid, and up until this year, had what feels like a dark blanket over me. It's only because of my girlfriend and committing to the gym that I finally have some semblance of confidence in myself. But I can imagine that in my long stupor, I missed critical signs that I was failing as a friend.
And so, all that to say, what should I do? Currently I've been doing nothing, just trying to focus on my stem degree, which takes up a lot of my time, my relationship with my girlfriend, and personal fitness. Friends just hasn't been a priority for me. But it always felt okay, because I could always come home and go to Sonic with Bob, or click a few heads and have a good time. And now I don't have that and it hurts.
TLDR:
Best friend and I have been drifting apart, and I want advice on how I should proceed.