I’ve (26F) been dating my boyfriend (36M) for almost five months now. Overall, things have been good. He’s kind, successful, and we have a lot of fun together. But lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally and physically drained, and I’m not sure if this relationship is sustainable for me long-term.
When we first met, he was upfront that he spends about five months a year fishing every weekend. I thought that sounded fun and was happy to join him most weekends. I genuinely wanted to share his passion. But it turns out his version of fishing means offshore trips with four-hour drives each way, long 7hr days on the water, and staying at his friend’s house every weekend.
That means I get extremely seasick every trip, even with medication. I have to pay my parents to watch my dog for the entire weekend. We sleep on a worn-out couch where I barely get any sleep. His friend’s three big labs jump all over us early every morning.
His friends als drink heavily and only talk about hunting, fishing, and guns, and they constantly make fun of me for being a “city girl.”
I’m a social and adaptable person, but it’s been hard. I don’t feel taken seriously, and I’m always exhausted by the end of these trips. He’s mentioned maybe buying a camper, but that’s a far-off idea, and I’m burnt out now.
I tried bringing up how I’ve been feeling, that I’d love to spend a weekend doing something different like going to a pumpkin patch, carving pumpkins, going on a hike closer, or even just playing video games together. But every time I bring up things I enjoy, he either ignores it, changes the subject back to fishing, or makes excuses. It’s like I’m just a passenger in his life instead of a partner he’s building one with.
I’ve also noticed a pattern where, whenever I try to plan something special, it somehow ends badly. One example of something I organized and paid for, a trip to the Renaissance Fair.
This ended up turning into an argument that started in the car. I was doing my makeup while he was driving, he got upset, saying I was distracting him. I immediately apologized and stopped, but he stayed irritated and short with me. When I told him I didn’t like being spoken to that way, it escalated into a bigger argument. He claimed he’d mentioned before that I distract his driving, but that was never something he had brought up previously. The situation got tense enough that we ended up leaving shortly after arriving. When I invite him to family events, he comes but acts cold and withdrawn the whole time, telling me later that he only went for me and that that’s just how he is.
I’m trying to be fair. I did sign up for dating someone with strong hobbies. But it’s hard not to feel like there’s no room for me in his world. Now that fishing season is over, he still wants to go back to his friend’s every weekend to hang out, and I’m left wondering: do you want a life with me or with your friends?
We’re also rarely alone. When he’s home, his roommate, who doesn’t seem very motivated and just smokes weed all day, is always around. My boyfriend joins him for hours, and I end up feeling like a guest in my own relationship. There’s no real quality time or privacy.
He’s talked about wanting kids one day, and I can’t help but wonder what that would look like. Would I be home every weekend taking care of the kids while he’s off fishing? Would everything still revolve around his hobbies? I don’t want to feel this alone in a relationship or like I’m constantly adjusting to fit into someone else’s life while mine takes a back seat.
I do care about him deeply, and I’m not looking to give up easily. I just don’t know how to have a productive conversation about this without sounding critical or needy. I’ve been keeping a lot of my frustrations inside because I don’t want to seem overdramatic, but it’s starting to eat at me.
How can I bring this up in a way that actually gets through to him? And more importantly, am I being unreasonable for wanting more balance and effort from him, or are we just fundamentally mismatched in our lifestyles and priorities?
TL;DR: My boyfriend’s entire life revolves around fishing, hunting, and hanging out with his friends. I’ve tried to be supportive, but I’m exhausted, feel unseen, and can’t get him to engage in anything I’m interested in. I’m starting to wonder if this relationship has room for both of us.