I asked this in some parenting subs but didn’t get many responses.
My son is 14. Yesterday he asked if he could talk to me about something and I asked if he was okay and he said “not really” and started crying.
He kinda let it all out and said life just felt so hard and difficult and he just felt so unhappy all the time. That he got no enjoyment out of life and he felt sad a lot. That there was just this weight on his shoulders all the time he couldn’t shake. He said he didn’t know why he felt this way because his life was “perfect.”
I asked him he ever felt like hurting himself. He said no. I asked about school. He said he wasn’t being bullied or anything. I asked about friends and he said he had some “acquaintances” but didn’t really feel close to anyone and no one he’d call a true friend. He admitted to feeling lonely sometimes.
I mentioned finding someone to talk to. He didn’t really like the sound of a therapist. But I think I’ve convinced him to at least give it a try. I asked if anything specific happened that made him want to tell him and he just shrugged and said “I’m just tired of feeling like this”
I asked if there was anything I could do to make life easier for him. He just said “I wish there was.” I gave him a hug and for once he actually held on for a really long time.
I suggested we watch a show we both liked on TV so we did. And he sat close to me and leaned his head on my shoulder and grabbed my hand and just held it. Kinda just made me sad how down he seemed.
This morning I offered for him to stay home from school. He said he’d rather go and do something than sit at home all day so I said okay.
He said “I will take another one of them hugs though.” I said of course and we hugged for a while.
Of course I’m looking into therapy but it just pains me to see how fragile he looks and I just wish I could help him somehow.
31 comments
You already are helping him.
It’s a very positive sign that he felt able to tell you how he feels and you handled it well.
Keep that connection going. Check in, do things together, be open and honest with him.
Definitely sounds like a professional needs to be involved, so follow through on that.
Just love your kid and take things one day at a time.
Good support – maybe set up a weekend activity like camping or hiking or doing something he really likes or wants to do to keep building that bond ? I remember at that age kids are dodgy and who you think are friends can be fickle and it can be lonely. Any hobbies he likes you can do with him ?
Maybe a hobby or an after school activity to meet other kids. My son who did nothing other than school showed an interest in guitar. We only had a crappy acoustic so I quizzed him and within a few days I purchased him a cheapish electric guitar and amp. He loved it but the guitar wasn’t great so I upgraded it as he continued to learn, then another upgrade. He loves his music, now he is creating his own music.
Of course be there for him like you already are. Find something he enjoys.
The word you need to think about is “opportunities”
He wants peers to connect to. Our world makes that very easy to do in a fake way and very hard to do in a real way.
As a parent you have to take the lead in getting him exposed to peers that he might connect with. He doesn’t know what group or sport or club or activity is going to lead to those things… he’s just a kid. Your role is to encourage him to try things and introduce routines that may create opportunity for him to find what suits him.
So look around at what is available in your community for kids & teens in your community to be doing things together. He doesn’t have to be into the activity specifically to maybe try joining a beginners group and going every week.
It can even be something boring you arrange yourself, like, every other week you go hike the same trail. He could invite 1 or 2 of his acquaintances along with you from school if it’s part of a predictable routine. Something to look forward to.
What you will be modelling to him is to *keep looking for opportunities.* You shouldn’t have to worry about having the right solution exactly… you will succeed by showing you want to keep trying things. That will teach him literally how to succeed at everything in life.
And of course, ALL THE HUGS.
You got this.
A couple of things. First, it is great that he had the courage to come forward. Second, you should be proud that he views you as someone who he can confide in. (That was usually my wife back in the day.) Third, you handled this REALLY well – he didn’t feel shameful or embarrassed afterwards.
Our son had similar struggles back at about the same age. It wasn’t anything in particular – just a million little things adding up at once. I think you are on the right track. Therapy of some sort would be really good for him. They may recommend a mild anti-depressant. Our son has been on that since that time, and now he is a fully functioning and independent adult!
After that, just continuing to be there for him and showing support is the main thing. It doesn’t sound like he is in danger of self-harm or falling into a bad group of friends so letting him do the normal teenage thing when he wants to is a good thing. Otherwise keep doing your thing because you are doing it well.
Professional teenager counseling
Firstly, well done on how you handled it so far.
There is so much pressure on kids today – every last thing is monitored, any potential slip up is a chance to ruin your life, and everything has to be ‘productive’. Add to that the effects of puberty, and I’m not surprised your son is struggling.
I think for a lot of young people, some of the things they might just do for fun are now considered ‘bad’. Sitting around playing video games? You’re wasting time when you could be studying. Hanging around with your friends in public? You’re being antisocial and people will complain. God forbid you try drinking or smoking like kids did when they were my age…
So, one potential solution. Sit with him and explain – all this work and studying is supposed to be there to set you up for a good life, but life is only good if you have things to enjoy. You need a release, something that you do not for your CV or your future career prospects, but just because it’s fun! And that’s OK! You don’t have to feel guilty if you find something you enjoy that gives you satisfaction, you just need to find a balance. Then, work together to come up with some ideas for what that might be.
For me, it was learning guitar. I would sit and play for hours because I actively enjoyed it. Maybe for him it’s reading novels, or playing sport – or even just watching sport? Do you have a local team you could go and watch at weekends? Would he like to learn to draw or paint? If he’s not sure, why don’t you work together to find something? Set aside a time every weekend to do something new – watch an old movie or play a card game or go hiking. If he loves it – great! If he hates it – also great! You’ve learned something about yourself that you didnt know before.
The most important thing is that there is no target, no goal to reach in order to say ‘this has now been beneficial’. It’s all just about the pure purpose of enjoying life.
You’re already helping him. I wish I could have talked to my dad about this. When I was 10 I tried to off myself a few times but never told anyone.
You did a great job and have a wonderful relationship with him. We all need a sense of belonging and I feel he doesn’t fully have it if he only has acquaintances. I wonder if he can pursue some of his interests and form some relationships with other kids that are into the same things.
The way you handled this moment with him honestly was perfect. You listened, stayed calm, didn’t try to “fix” it right away, and just made space for him to be honest with you. That’s a huge deal at 14.
It sounds like he’s going through depression or something similar and it’s good you’re already looking into therapy even if he’s hesitant. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find someone he connects with, but just knowing you’re in his corner will mean the world to him.
You have a lot going for you here, most of which is probably due to really strong parenting:
1. He felt comfortable coming to you and discussing how he’s feeling.
2. He recognizes that he doesn’t want to continue feeling this way.
3. He also recognizes that shutting down is not the answer for him. Pushing himself to engage in the world even though he’s feeling down is fantastic awareness on his part and a positive sign.
4. You’re open to therapy and have convinced him to at least try.
My daughter (oldest of two) is ten and has moments every week where she just feels sad and cries. Same thing though: no obvious trigger. I teach high schoolers, and I think the hormonal shifts of early adolescence are an internal roller coaster we often forget about as adults. If you are able to find some literature on exactly what hormonal changes kids go through and how they can affect mood, it may be enough of a light at the end of the tunnel to help him recognize that the roller coaster time is finite (at least THIS roller coaster).
Now I need to go stop my own kids from fighting in the bathroom. Yay.
You’re doing great parenting, so keep it up and best of luck to you and your son.
Go camping
The fact that you care is more than enough. Having a consistent and stable caregiver is a massive positive in this tricky stage of his development. Keep on doing what you’re doing, he felt confident enough to come to you which says a lot. The trick is to not aim to ‘fix’ every issue for him, empathy is the way forward. Keep on being a great dad OP.
My advice is to not let him stew in it. I was that kid at one point. By all measures I had everything going for me, I won’t detail but things for me were “just fine” in terms of life I had. However, your brain doesn’t care about that shit, and as a system is confusing to both science and the person that holds it in their own head.
You see, what’s happening in their head right now is like an optical illusion. You could just swear that you see ____ when your eye gets tricked, after all you’re seeing it with your own two eyes. Deep down though you eventually can see through the trick. Well, that doesn’t work with your brain. It generates false ideas and eventually ways to “end” those false illusion ideas that are not actually solutions. Dying never solved anything for the person that died, logically. That’s what you need to understand. It’s pernicious, it’s evil, and it’s not logical because it doesn’t have to play by those rules.
Hopefully you caught it early and he had enough self awareness to come to you, I saw friends that didn’t get help in time and you can guess the rest of the story. Professional help is an amazing tool and I’m glad he has agreed. After that the next steps are going to be individualized. Your son needs to build a life that he feels like is worth living, one that he is comfortable in even when the ground gets a little shakey. You’ve already started to help with that, but this journey is just starting for both of you and I pray it goes super smoothly.
Speaking from the perspective of someone who’s had their own issues when I was in my teens, not as a dad.
I’d say there’s a level of teen depression thats attributable to coming to grips with the indifference of the world. I think it’s very hard emotionally for kids to transition from having parents who supply them with unconditional affection to requesting love from the world and being rejected or being met with indifference (ie, having to proactively seek connection).
I don’t think there’s a set list of things you should be doing, but the idea would be that you need to help develop his resilience during this emotionally vulnerable time. Therapy will help with that, but he has to want to go for it to help. Knowing that you’re there for him is helpful. Get him involved in extracurriculars where he can interact with other kids is also helpful if he’s not doing that already.
One thing that also helps me stave off depression is exercise. When I’m feeling really down I also volunteer locally, so you might want to look into options where he can do that or you and him can do it together.
Positive affirmations.
And tone.
We teach our kids how to think in the way we speak.
Saying things like “fck my life” or “this sucks” or “why Is this happening to me”
Instead of “it’s a great day” or “I’m okay with this” or “everything happens for a reason”
You have to teach you kids to be happy.
Show them how much there is to live for.
I of course am projecting, I lived through a suicide epidemic and I can’t allow people to be depressed.
Something that I think almost no one talks about with teenages anymore is that puberty is insane hormonally and that has a huge effect on psychology too. When I was around 14, I went through very intense period of anxiety that came out of nowhere and disappeared less than a year later. Both of my kids did too.
We take mental illness seriously today, which is great, but I worry that sometimes we take it *too* seriously, and attribute long-term fears to what may be simply a normal short-term part of puberty.
My son is 20yo and we still hug daily. I always tell him I love him.
Your son is creating tons of hormones at his age which can impact his brain. Not saying he needs medication but a good therapist can help a ton.
You’re doing great. Keep up the great work.
I’ve suffered chronic depression for nearly 5 decades.
Be patient. Remind him often that you love him. Listen to him.
Get him to a doctor, and if that doctor won’t help you, find another one. Keep looking until you find a doctor experienced with chronic depression.
What you son describes sounds like my life. I have a good life. I’m lucky. I don’t have any more problems than the next person. But I’m depressed. Why? I have no idea. My brain has something wrong with it. It’s like bad eyesight, but for the whole brain.
I just keep reminding myself that the world’s not really blurry: it just looks that way.
Here’s the thing: imagine you’re at a banquet, the most fabulous banquet ever conceived. Everything is beautiful … but it all tastes and smells like it’s been sprinkled with dried out sewer sludge. It’s disgusting. It’s foul. But I’m the only one who can taste or smell something bad. Everybody around me is saying “Oh, isn’t this wonderful! Wouldn’t you like some more? Why aren’t you enjoying this! Just try!” I can’t. It’s thoroughly revolting.
That banquet table is life. And the truth is, there’s nothing foul in the food. The bad taste and smell are just a mixup in my brain. But it doesn’t change the fact it smells and tastes terrible. It just means that if I concentrate really hard, I can imagine just a little bit what it must be like for everyone else.
It may be that therapy won’t help, especially if, as he says, nothing is really wrong. But it can’t hurt! Try it! A therapist might offer suggestions that help.
Get a doctor to prescribe medicine and keep trying until you find something that works.
Most importantly, he needs to learn to find happiness wherever he can. Nobody’s going to come along and pass me huge buckets of happiness. But I can take joy in a pretty sky, the song of a bird, a funny joke. Sift the world for joy, like a miner sifting river sand for flakes of gold, and collect those little moments, those little treasures.
I wish you both the best of love and patience. Life can go on, and it can be worthwhile, though I won’t lie to you: it won’t be easy. But I’ve survived nearly 5 decades of suicidal depression. It can be done.
Ah that helpless feeling of being useless to your aging children. Take me back to the days when I had answer to their problems abd could fix everything with a happy meal or trip to toy r us
My kids r 19&16. I can’t help with their homework, their relationships and they basically have the same struggles I’ve had since I was their age
He’s a normal, healthy kid. It was a huge help to my kids when I told them that youth was probably the toughest time they’d ever have in life. And it was. Just being there for him with truth and optimism is all he needs. Not therapy. Just time and support.
Yup – you’re already doing what you can do.
Does he not have any friends?
What about social/hobby/sports activities? Sounds to me like he may benefit from some organized activities. Maybe even learning an instrument or some other activity he can put focus and effort behind.
You’re a good dad
you are doing the right things. counseling is a good thing. spend time with him doing things he enjoys. hug him. physical touch is important! too many people, especially men, are touch starved.
keep up the good work
Damn, I wish my dad responded this way.
One of the most important things you can give your kids is an irrational belief that you are on their side and willing to help them. I would hold off on the therapy (not by much) and try to strengthen your bond. Make the stay home from school offer again, but make it a Friday for a weekend with the two you doing as many things together that he likes as you can. Make it clear you want him to feel comfortable and that you will go out of your way to facilitate that. It will make the therapy outcome better because of this.
I know a therapist who works with a lot of teenagers, and her feedback was that they were more responsive when going for car rides and coffee or a sweet treat.
Is there a sport he likes or plays and what’s his vision for past high school. I get the impression from talking to adults that with phones and the internet, kids are more connected but also more alone than ever.
You’re unbelievably lucky to have such a great relationship with your son.
Went through this with my oldest when he was 12. Towards the end of his 6th grade year he’d just seem super down about everything. Turned out him and his pretty much only friend had a fight and his friend kicked him from his group. He was so depressed and just down for weeks. Things that were fun were torture on him.
He was incredibly smart, in the schools gifted program, so he just didn’t fit in elsewhere. We took him to a therapist and they were able to talk but it didn’t take away that loneliness he felt. Last day of school they “made up” since they were both going to the same new school that was different from the rest of his class but you could tell how bad he was doing still.
The next week, I took him up to our cabin for a week. Just him and I, and we talked about everything, we fished the lake, we hiked and visited the town, and that depressed doom and gloom fake smile turned back into a genuine one. Getting away from everything helped so much.
The summer went pretty quickly and him and his friend were back to talking terms. When school started, he was in a whole new environment with kids just as brilliant as he is and within a week he had more friends than he ever had at his elementary school. He just needed to be around his own people who were like him. I can’t begin to describe how much that change of environment helped him.
Maybe that’s what your son needs? A change of place to somewhere he might fit in better? Keep being there for him though, never stop what you are doing and never stop talking. You’re doing good even if you don’t feel like you are doing anything at all.
I’m not a therapist, so FWIW.
I recently realized a lot of male socialization doesn’t teach us how to converse and connect.
This isn’t the whole issue, obviously. Emotional regulation, perspective, the material fact of not having close friends, who he hangs out with/who and what situations shape his experience, all of it matters. And a professional can help connect those, sometimes seemingly disparate points of development.
But conversation is an important skill and a tool that doesn’t get cultivated, I think, as much as it does in female socialization. In short, quality conversation isn’t the ping-pong-ing of thoughts and non sequiturs, it’s being able to empathize, relate/demonstrate understanding, and show a connective vulnerability. Just knowing that has upped my game quite a bit.
Dude is touch starved and socially lonely.
Simply put, he needs a hobby. Ideally a healthy hobby. Some flavor of team sport that encourages socialization or something that will enable him to create and interact worh other builders/makers/fixers. You’re helping with the hugs, but that’s a bandaid on a bullet wound. He needs something that’ll give him purpose.
If he’s not into contact sports, I’d suggest something like woodworking or leatherwork. Or hell, even coding. Something that has a tight nit but also generally open community where folks bounce ideas and provide honest feedback.
No advice, but encouragement:
The very fact that he felt able to say this to you, and your response afterwards tells me that you’re smashing this parenting thing.
You care enough to ask, and whatever the answer is I’m sure your son will feel supported by you. Well done, and all the best. He’s a lucky lad to have you.
Hats off to him and you for yall’s relationship and his ability to be so vulnerable around you. One thing I’m thinking that may or may not help… Does he have any activities that are physically exhausting? What about when you two are together?
Not saying it will fix anything, but I find it helpful.