We’ve been dating for like 10 months now. Things are usually loving and affectionate most of the times, given she's an avoidant, but we’ve had a few conflicts where she explodes easily and shuts down emotionally afterward.
Last week, I made a big mistake: I showed up at her place unannounced. It wasn’t with bad intentions. I was nearby with my car, I wanted to surprise her, and thought it would make her smile to give her a ride to an event she was supposed to go later that night. Instead, she saw it as controlling and invasive. She said it reminded her of past relationships where she felt watched or controlled, and that it made her sick to her stomach.
I understood, took full responsibility, and apologized several times, genuinely. I explained that it was an impulsive mistake, not something I would ever repeat. Still, she hasn’t moved on from it. She stayed silent for a full week, then texted saying she still feels deeply uncomfortable and doesn’t know if she can trust me again. Tried to explain myself, while also being understanding. She exploded.
Every time I try to talk calmly or explain where I’m coming from, she explodes, blames me for everything, and brings up other past unrelated issues, knowing that she is aware that, given she's an avoidant, she grabs onto a bad fact, isolated, and takes it as an indicator to convince herself that everything with the relationship is wrong. I sincerely feel like I can’t express myself without her getting angry or defensive.
I love her, I want to make this work, but I don’t know how to communicate with someone who reacts this way. I don’t want to walk on eggshells forever. How do I handle this? Saying sorry doesn't work. Trying to explain myself doesn't work. Being understanding doesn't work…