Before I get into the reason for the post I think the situation needs some context.
Me and my girlfriend Emma have been together for almost two years now and it has been amazing. We’ve never had any major arguments, breaks, or really any issues whatsoever. When we first started dating we were long distance (only a couple hours away) but that was just for the first six months. She was going to a different college in state but transferred to our local college.
Currently Emma is in her junior year and I’ve started my career working full time. The area we live in is pretty expensive when it comes to rent/housing so to save money we’re both still living at home. Emma is focusing on school so I’m the only source of income at the moment.
Emma and I are really good about communicating and we’ve discussed what we want from life and our future together. We would both like to move in together either after she graduates or if the opportunity arises. We’ve also talked about getting engaged and when the time would be right.
Everything about our relationship is better than I could have ever asked for, except for her mother. Here I’ll call her Beth. From what Emma has told me, growing up Beth was and still is very judgmental. She holds Emma to extreme standards which also seem to change on a weekly and even sometimes daily basis. Beth makes comments on Emma’s weight, the time she spends with me and her friends, and how little time she gets to see her. Even though when Emma does spend time with Beth all they do is sit on the couch and watch tv in silence.
Now the weird thing is Beth is nothing but nice to me and Emma when I’m in the room but that changes as soon as I’m gone. I’m not saying Beth is an evil person, she has her good days and bad, but this just doesn’t sit right with me especially seeing how it affects Emma.
This type of behavior is nothing new for Beth but what happened recently is causing more concern than normal. So now that you have some context, this is the situation we’re dealing with:
About a week ago Emma was hanging out with her best friend Rebecca. Rebecca is joining the national guard and is about to go through her basic combat training and she won’t be back until Summer 2026. They were talking and got on the topic about living situations and Rebecca offered to share a two bedroom apartment with us once she returns. This way splitting the rent three ways will be cheaper for all of us and with the promotions I’ve been getting, I’ll be able to cover Emma and my portions of the rent. Emma and I talked about it and we decided we would love to.
A few days ago was Emma’s cousins birthday, so her dad’s side of the family were all gathering for a party at the cousins house. I wasn’t able to go because of work. Soon after Emma and her family arrived to the house, her other family instantly asked where I was. Emma told them I wasn’t there they were all saying that’s a “good thing, you two need time away from each other, and you need to live your own lives”.
To be clear Emma is a full time student, in a sorority, and in four clubs and I’m working 40+ hours a week with a non-stagnant schedule so we really only get to spend time with each other 1-2 times a week. Her family saying this came as a surprise because for one how would they even know how much time we’re spending together and secondly what they’re saying just isn’t true. So to Emma and I this means they’re getting their information from someone and it isn’t hard to guess that Beth is telling them all these lies. Emma said that during the party any time our relationship was brought up, Beth would shut down the conversation and change the subject. At one point Emma’s uncle asked, jokingly or not, if we were getting married anytime soon. Beth lost it at this point, saying no way that’s happening, I’m not letting her get married, and she isn’t ready for that yet. The topic was dropped and everyone moved on like nothing happened which is weird on its own but whatever.
Later that day Emma mentioned to Beth what Rebecca was proposing and what our thoughts about it were. Beth lost it again in the same way, pretty much repeating what she said earlier. “I’m not going to let you, you can’t handle it, and you’ll blow through all your savings.”
Now I know we’re all human and Beth is Emma’s mother so she can be protective but this feels more like she hates our relationship and hates the idea of Emma being independent. I can’t help but feel like there is some sort of resentment or jealousy coming from Beth.
None of Beth’s arguments have any validity. Emma has a large chunk of money in her savings from a job she had in high school which will be able to take care of most of her loans. We’re both good about our spending and savings plus my student loans will be gone by time we move in together and both of our credit scores are above 700. I have no doubt we’d be able to handle ourselves but Beth seems to think the opposite.
The big concern we have is that Beth has access to all of Emma’s banking accounts and any other sensitive information she has. So we’re worried if we start removing Beth from Emma’s accounts that things will just go downhill.
There have been times where Emma has confronted Beth about her behavior and how she talks about me. Beth always becomes super defensive and non responsive and sometimes even cries just to seemingly avoid the conversation.
What could be causing Beth to act this way towards the both of us? How do we manage to start to build our lives together and keep the peace as much as possible? I don’t want to alienate Emma from her family but I don’t see how this situation could turn out any different. Any advice is very much appreciated!
TLDR: My girlfriend’s mom seems to hate the idea of our relationship and her daughter becoming independent. She’s had outbursts when it gets brought up. What could be causing this and how do we manage to build our life together while keeping the peace?