Sorry that this is long and if it’s incoherent, sometimes typing my feelings out isn’t my strong suit. But please do give me advice if you got the time to read all this
I M19 started dating my gf F19 around March of 2024, it was our senior year of hs and we instantly clicked. We did all the big senior year milestones together including going to my prom and her prom together and both going to each others graduation and subsequent graduation parties. We spent most of the summer together and for that time everything was absolutely peaches and rainbows. It’s also worth noting I have a group of friends I am VERY close with and I am VERY close with my family. It’s also worth noting that my gf lives about an hour away and she doesn’t have a license, so usually I’m driving 2 hours round trip to pick her up. And one more thing too note is that when my gf gets mad she doesn’t talk to me and goes quiet and doesn’t say anything too anyone for fear of her saying something she’ll regret. And one more thing her parents are not together and are both really shitty too her
Things started to take a turn when I started my first semester of community college in September 2024. My gf had also started her first semester at a commuter school near her at this time. And this is where we started to spend too much time together. I would pick her up Tuesday nights from work and after I had class and then drop her off at the BART station Wednesday before we had classes, I would then pick her up from work Thursday nights after my classes and drop her off at home Sunday night. All in all we spent a lot of time together, and after a while i realized o wasn’t hanging out with my friends as much because i was with my girlfriend so I decided too invite them over to my house to spend the night on a Thursday after I got out of class. I told my gf this on Monday and that I would just pick her up Friday too stay the weekend. (another side note we worked at the same mall but I worked at a kiosk with no one else so she was allowed too hang out there with me when she wasn’t working, and this night I was working and she was hanging out in the kiosk with me, bc I was gonna drive her too the BART station after work) so I told her the plan and she gets all quiet and mad, she then says it’s unfair bc she planned out her time for me picking her up on Thursday, mind you it’s Monday. She then doesn’t say another word too me no matter how hard I try to get her too talk and says that she’s just gonna take the bus and then she walked away. I thought I was in the wrong and that night we talked on the phone and she told me she could’ve handled that better but it is unfair too her. We then spoke again in person that Tuesday night about it and she said that she was sorry for acting like that but she just wants to hang out with me. I said it was ok. That Thursday rolls around and my friends didn’t end up staying the night but they did come over, when I told her she got a lil upset and said that she could’ve came over but I just brushed it off as her kidding.
Around this time we also had our first pregnancy scare and this lowkey scarred me, it made it so I never wanted too have sex again. And she didn’t like this, and would constantly beg me too have sex, but when I would do it I didn’t really look that into it, and she started to get upset about that.
One Thursday my friends asked me too hang out and I said sure, but I knew my gf would not be happy if I pushed the day back on such short notice, so I just brought her with me. She’s already a really clingy person but this time She felt overly clingy, like she wanted to make out every 30 seconds, mind you we’re in public. During our 40th session I asked if we can catch up too everyone else and she said “oh so you don’t want too kiss me” and then she went silent” later on she said “it’s cool just go hang out with your friends” and then she sulked no matter how much I tried to talk to her or get her too hang with everyone else. At that time it felt like my friends were off having fun together and I couldn’t bc I had to stay with my gf and make her feel better.
As the semester went on I started too get stressed about this one class and I started to just pick her up on Fridays on some weeks, and this REALLY PISSED HER OFF, she was kinda ok at first but as time went on, she would get so mad. She started too text me at night about how mad she was about it and everything, but one night she texted me how I make her so mad and upset. She was fucking pissed and towards the end of the night she said something along the lines of “I’m just gonna kms” this immediately took me back and felt like a punch in the mouth, I think she knew that bc she then apologized, said she didn’t mean it, and went to bed. As more weeks went on and the end of the semester rolled around I told her I was gonna pick her up Saturday morning because I still really needed to study. She was once again not fucking happy and this time she came to my job to hang out for a bit and I could see she was not happy, she had this angry tone and when I hugged her she was stone face and didn’t say anything. She was just mad as hell, finally she started to open up and started begging me to let her come home with me. Like full on begging, but I couldn’t bc I had to study. She then started almost crying telling me how her mind goes to dark places when she’s not with me, I told her how sorry i was and how much I loved her but I needed to study. I then drove her to the bart station where she started crying HARD and begging me. But I couldn’t so she just went home. This become a lot more common
Finally the semester ended and that Saturday the semester ended happened to be her birthday. So I took her to the aquarium and we had a GREAT time. Then as the weekend came too a close she asked me if she could stay the night that Sunday night. But that Monday my friend (whom I’m really close with) was coming home from college and wanted to hang out. So I told her I couldn’t. Once again she got all quiet and mad, but as we were driving her home I started too see a completely different being. She started crying hard. I’m talking FULL ON SOBBING. Bc she said she feels so stupid bc she thought when my semester ended we were gonna be spending more time together and such. (Mind you I was still on the same schedule with her I’ve been on.) but she still is losing it, no matter how hard I apologized. She then started to hit herself on the head. And I realized just how out of my depth I was. This was the first time I’ve ever encountered any thing like this and I had no idea what to do. When we got to her house I tried to hug her goodbye but she just sat there stone faced and went inside. I drove home in complete silence. When I got back I texted her that I made it home safe and she texted me that her head hurt, i said “try drinking some water” she said “it’s not that kinda hurt”, i asked what she meant and she informed me that after she left she slammed her head into the door frame. Again this is the first time I’ve had this happen to me and I felt just so terrible with myself.
As Christmas approached we had spent like a whole week together, bc that Christmas I was going away too Arizona with one side of the family, so I celebrated Christmas with my other side of the family early (divorced parents) as I was dropping her off she starts crying again and begging me to let her stay another night, but I couldn’t. When she got home her mom started to be kinda mean to her. This made my gf really sad and she wanted to talk to me otp to feel better. While my whole family was doing Christmas festivities I was otp with my gf trying to console her through these times. Even on what was my Christmas with one side of the family I was opening presents and still texting her tryna make her feel better. The next day I left for Arizona with my other side of the family and it felt like things were finally lighting up with my gf and her mom.
fast forward again, my gf quit her job and got another one still near my house. But this meant I wasn’t picking her up Tuesday nights anymore, and she started to only stay with my from Friday too Sunday. The new semester had also started and I was taking on a lot heavier of a course load. This meant that sometimes I would have to not see my gf until Saturday and drop her off Sunday. I had also picked up volunteering to coach a little league flag football team on Sunday mornings.
One day it’s a Thursday night and I’m working on an essay midterm due the following Monday. I was really stressed and told my gf I would probably have to pick her up Saturday morning because I was so swamped. SHE GOT PISSED, she starts saying how she feel like a burden to me and all this. I kept reassuring her she was no such thing and that I love her. But she wouldn’t stop. Eventually she told me she was gonna break up with me. This terrified me, and immediately I begged to talk this out in person. She said if I wanted to do that I would have to pick her up from work. Once I got there she was crying and said she didn’t mean it. I said it’s ok and offered to driver her home. She then asked if she could spend the night just for tn. I looked at her all crying and sad and I just felt so bad this time. So I let her. The next morning I told her I was gonna drop her off at the bart station bc I still had to work on my essay. ONCE AGAIN SHE GOT ALL MAD AND QUIET. When I dropped her off I offered to walk her to the platform. But she just immediately got out the car and walked. I decided to get out and walk her to the platform bc I didn’t want her to be so mad at me, once we got to the platform she got PISSED and started begging me to let her come home with me. I kept saying I couldn’t and eventually she got so mad she lightly slapped me on the chest. This made me feel so horrible. I backed up but then I saw her face and how sad she was I’m talking tears streaming down her face and I caved. I let come back with me like a fucking idiot. She apologized a bunch and I forgave her bc I felt like she didn’t mean it and just got caught up in emotion. Ik hindsight is 20/20 but at the time I really felt just terrible. For lack of a better term she looked pathetic, tear lines staining her eyes and all and I just felt so terrible I just tried to forget about all of this. I think I even deleted the original “breakup” messages bc I just didn’t want to ever think of that weekend again.
About two weeks later I’m supposed to pick her up Saturday and drop her off Sunday the usual. But that Friday we were talking and the subject of her friend came up. For reference her friend couldn’t graduate hs on time bc she transferred schools and her old school messed up her credit transfer or whatever, so she was taking classes online, but I had thought she had gotten all of that taken care of and was now graduated. At this time my gf was complaining about not having any friends to hang out with and how lonely she is without me. And I said she should hang out with her that friend, to which she said “oh she’s gotta finish a project to be able to graduate hs” I then said “oh I thought she graduated, she’s literally dragging her graduation like the low taper fade meme” I know it wasn’t the best thing to say but I have a bad habit of making jokes in serious situations. And this joke pissed my girlfriend THE FUCK OFF. I’m talking she didn’t talk to me for like 7 hours no matter how much I apologized and everything. I really did feel bad about what I said. After a while she called me and started yelling at me about how fucked up it was that I said that and how I never respect her or her friends and family (not true btw) after a while on the phone she calmed down and asked me if I was gonna do anything to make up for my actions, I then offered to take her to dinner and a movie the next day. She agreed and I felt like she was finally done being mad at me.
But that Saturday morning I got a call from my mom’s friend asking if me and my gf could watch her 4 small kids for the evening. This coincided with my dinner and movie plans and originally said I couldn’t until my mom called and begged me to do them this favor. I then agreed as long as they were home by 9:00pm so I can still do my dinner/movie. But when I told my gf about my plan she was so PISSED, (I also told her she could go home and I can pick her up later after I watched the kids, but that’s wasn’t why she was mad) I then picked her up from work she was MAD AS FUCK she started screaming and crying about how I never put her first and all this. She then asked me to pull over and let her walk home (she’s talking about my house btw) she was fucking mad, but I didn’t get why bc I told her we still would be doing our date just a little later. But she was just still hella mad. Eventually she calmed down and agreed
After we watched the kids and went to dinner I could tell her vibe was off. She was quiet and didn’t really feel into the date, but she said she was just tired. It wasn’t until halfway through where she finally felt like she was semi enjoying herself. One long argument later that felt like it was just a sequel to her argument from earlier and I told her I would do a better job of prioritizing her. Even much so that I started picking her up on Fridays and dropping her off Sundays. Even though I preferred it otherwise I just wanted to make her happy.
As time went on I would reject a lot of invites to do things so I could make my gf happy but it felt like we came back to that same argument. Mainly bc I joined a club rugby team and she didn’t like that I’d have games on Saturdays, even though she came with me to my games. But this only lasted like a month and a half, then it was only school and this girl. Since I didn’t have my Fridays to study anymore my grades also started to slip, and that’s a really big deal to me bc I’m trying to transfer. It felt like my life was just school, work, and being with my gf. No studying, no friends, no video games, nothing. It really sucked but I’ll once again reiterate that I really wanted to just make her happy. (She also still was complaining and started to say how she couldn’t wait for summer bc we were gonna spend more time together)
Fast forward again and school finally lets out for the summer and I started to want to get firm on my boundaries bc I was tired of living like this. I started to see my friends more while still seeing my gf at our usual Friday-Sunday schedule. I thought things were finally looking up. One day like at the very start of summer my mom asked if I could come with her to go to my cousins graduation party out in Arizona. I ofc said yes, but my gf didn’t like that’d I be gone for a week. On the second to last day before I left I was dropping her off at home and she was crying so fucking hard, but this time there was nothing I could do. The next day I was hanging with my friends before I left and my gf was blowing my fucking phone up bc she was mad I could see my friends before I left but not her. I kept apologizing before she just stopped responding. It wouldn’t be till later that she texted me saying she was in the hospital bc she slammed her head into the fridge bc her mom was being a bitch. She then was telling me that she wanted to die. I still remember leaving the movie theatre I was watching with my friends to call her to beg her not to go through with this. TBH she said the reason she had this breakdown was bc of her mom but looking back now I feel like it was bc she was distraught about me leaving. In the end she wouldn’t go through with it. And things went back to normal again.
Ok so now we in the summer and I’m spending a considerable amount of time with my friends. And this pisses my gf off a lot. I’m still seeing her from Friday till Sunday but she wanted more time with me. She constantly was crying and arguing with me bc she said I was not prioritizing her and only wanted to hang out with my friends. Again, I only saw my friends like once or twice a week and I saw my gf three days a fucking week.
There’s like two more anecdotes of things I wanna say before I wrap this up bc it’s getting really long
The Fourth of July rolled around and my mom asked me if me and my gf wanted to go camping with her. I was hesitant at first bc I knew my gf would be mad that I wasn’t gonna do something with her and just her. But to my surprise my gf actually really wanted to go. So we ended up going, on the drive back I had planned to drop her off at home bc it was on the way, but then she started to beg me to stay one more night. I told her I couldn’t bc I had plans with my friends the next morning. This per the norm pissed her the fuck off, and she started to say how I only cared about my friends and not her and all that bullshit. She then even said that I didn’t spend any one on one time with why that weekend bc my family was with us (she petitioned to go on this trip btw) I was holding strong until she started to cry, but then she started to ugly cry, I’m talking hyperventilating and curling up into a ball and everything. I felt so terrible and just caved in again. There was nothing else that happened before this by the way I’m seriously not leaving anything out. She would get like this just bc it was time for her to go home. But I really started to feel like this was all my fault. The next morning the plan was for me to drop her off at work and she’d just go home from there, but that’s morning she woke up in a bad mood. So while I’m driving her to work she just picks up her phone and calls out for work. She then tells me to just drop her off on the side of the road. Obviously I’m not doing that, so i offered a million times to just take her home. But she kept saying no. I had no idea what to do so I pulled over into a random parking lot to figure this out. It was there she then asked to go back to my place to which I said no. And then she started to cry, but then she started to say just how unhappy she is, and how she wants nothing more than to die. But it was just the way she was saying it, it sounded so serious and scary and I didn’t know what to do. So after three hours in that fucking parking lot, and me begging her not to kill herself I finally agreed to take her back to my place and her mood changed like that. It felt like she was back to her normal self.
The. Towards the end of the summer I planned this road trip to Arizona out with my friends. And it required me to be gone for a weekend. (That’s usually my gfs time I guess) and it pissed her the fuck off. I felt her tone towards me be annoyed and distant as the trip got closer and once I was on the trip it just felt like she was always so fucking mad. I really thought I was a piece of shit just bc I wanted to go on this trip. So as I’m driving back (like a 10 hour trip btw) she starts blowing my phone up begging to see me that night, but I was too tired and said I’d prefer to see her that weekend, she starts getting all pissed and then she said that I purposely scheduled this trip during “her weekend” like she owns me or sum, just kinda annoying tbh. As I get closer she stops being mad at me and starts to get sad, she starts saying how her life is terrible and how she wants to die and everything. She then called me crying and I guess she left her house bc she said she was in my city and was depressed crying on the side of the road. I heard this and had no fucking clue what to do. I couldn’t just let her be all depressed like that. So once I got home, after 10 straight hours of driving before I even saw my family I went to pick her up. She spends the night and the next day I’m going to drop her off at home. But she starts begging to stay a lot longer but I told her I couldn’t bc I really just wanted to have a little bit of alone time since being on this trip. She doesn’t like this and as I’m driving her home she starts screaming and crying saying how terrible I am and how I don’t care about her or nothing. She then says how if I drop her off she was going to break up with me. Looking back I shoulda called her bluff and dropped her off but I was too scared so I turned around and drove all the way back to my home. She ended up staying with me for a whole fucking week bc every day she begged me and cried and said how her mind goes to a super dark place when she’s not with me. And I wanted her to be ok so I let her stay. She didn’t leave until I asked my mom to say that I had a family thing and had to take her home. Bc I know she wasn’t gonna pull this shit if my mom said I had to drop her off.
Things like this went on for a few months until this past weekend. Next week I’m supposed to go to my sister’s for the weekend. And I was gonna have my gf come over from Friday night to Saturday night. And she was cool with this, come Saturday it’s getting closer for her to go and she’s begging me to stay at my house, I kept saying I couldn’t bc I promised my mom I would do something with her that evening, she then told me to cancel and I said I couldn’t. She then goes dead quiet all mad and shit. I tried to keep spirits up but she just wouldn’t talk to me. As I’m driving her home I’m trying to get her to talk or in some way make this right but she just was silent and rolled her eyes. She then said she wasn’t mad at me she was just noticing that she takes so much shit for me and lets me get away with it. I just said I understood and tried to keep driving she then gets all pissed and screams hella loud and starts banging her head on my dash board. I tried to get her to stop and in turn almost crashed my fucking car, she starts crying about how she wants to die and I’m this terrible person and everything. I was just begging her not to kill herself but she wasn’t hearing it. It took the whole rest of the car ride and an extra 20 minutes parked out front her house (hour and a half in total) of me begging her not to do this for her to agree not to hurt herself. She then apologized for what she said and that I’m not a terrible person and everything like that. I said it was fine and I don’t think different of her and all that and then I drove home. Also I threatened to take her to the hospital when she was saying this but she lowkey called my bluff and told me that no matter what I say she was gonna deny it.
As of now I’m starting to really internalize how unhappy I am but I don’t know what to do, I don’t want her to hurt herself, but I don’t think I deserve any of this. I really just want some insite on what to do next or if I am in the wrong I want someone to tell me. Thanks for reading all the way through and please lmk.