Some quick background: I (20F) come from a culture where, traditionally, when someone wants to get married, the man approaches your father first to ask for your hand before any direct contact. After that, it’s up to you whether you want to pursue the relationship.
So back in April, my uncle came to me saying that there’s a man (25M) from our home country who wants to come to America and is looking for a wife. I tried to tell him I wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, but I was kind of pressured into speaking with the guy anyway.
He started texting me at the beginning of June, and I quickly realized a few problems. The biggest one is the language barrier. I can speak our native language conversationally, but he knows no English at all. That means all our communication depends on translation apps; and I’m always the one doing the translating, never him. Then there’s the time difference; over 8 hours apart. The only time we can talk is at 2 a.m. my time, and it’s always me staying up late to make it work.
On top of that, his personality just doesn’t click with mine. He’s very serious, and I’m the type to joke around and be playful. Every conversation feels so dry… it’s like pulling teeth to keep it going. Another thing that made me uncomfortable was how quickly he started flirting. From the very first conversation, he was calling me “darling” and “sweetheart,” which felt weird because… you’re literally a stranger to me.
My uncles keep telling me what a great guy he is and how hard he works, but honestly, I haven’t seen much of that myself. It’s been months now, and I’ve told my uncle that I don’t want to keep talking to him. But they keep brushing it off, saying I should “give it more time” or “just talk to him a little longer.” Now I’ve started avoiding my uncles because every time I see them, they ask me why I don’t just marry this guy. I just don’t feel any connection to this man, and I hate feeling pressured into something I never wanted in the first place. Should I be doing something differently?
TL;DR: My uncle set me up with a guy from our home country who doesn’t speak English, lives 8 hours ahead, and has a totally different personality from mine. I’ve tried talking to him for months, but there’s no connection, and I feel pressured by my family to keep going or even marry him. I just want to stop talking to him without being made to feel guilty.
8 comments
Be frank. There is no connection there. “Your perfect guy is not making an effort and I’m no longer interested in getting to know this person. Please stop mentioning him.”
From then, just keep doing what your doing, limiting contact with your uncle or Grey Rocking him when he tries to talk about this guy. Don’t answer this guy’s calls and go back to living your life.
You don’t have to do anything differently. When there’s no connection and you don’t like the way he treats you, communicates, and need to use translator all the time then you have every right to say no to this man.
You need to be brave. Tell the suitor directly that you don’t feel the match is the right one and just stop talking to him. When your uncles try to make you feel guilty tell them the match isn’t the right one and tell yourself you are strong and brave and won’t be bullied into a life you don’t want. This man’s lifestyle doesn’t fit yours, please don’t spend your life unhappy for your uncles who clearly care more about this man’s ticket to America than they care about you. Your future daughter is relying on you to be brave. Good luck
You’ve told them you’re not interested. You have to stick with that. And no more set-ups with strangers you’re not interested in, who don’t even live in the US.
This is just going to be the start of it. You live in the US, you don’t have to date anyone just because it is the norm for your culture. And I won’t suggest that’ll be easy to deal with, considering your family, but you can decide who you want to date.
Choose your own life, OP. Don’t let anyone else choose it for you.
Just tell the guy you don’t think it’s working and stop talking to him. Tell your uncle Youre not interested and just use the same answer if he keeps asking. Maybe limit contact with your uncle for awhile too
Whenever they bring it up, just smile sweetly and keep your mouth shut. Completely shut. Whatever they say, stay silent.
Uncle 1: “You should give him a chance.”
You: silence.
Uncle 2: “Just talk to him a little longer.”
You: silence.
Uncle 3: “You are a terrible niece and a disgrace to your family.”
You: silence.
I would just tell the guy that you aren’t interested politely and let the chips fall where they may.
You always need to be true to your own heart.
Your uncles have clearly made a promise to this guy “sure, we’ll get you to America”, you’re just a means to an end. They don’t care about you, this guy doesn’t care about you. To them, this is just business, at your expense.
You have two options:
A) tell them that if this guy is so amazing, they should marry him.
B) treat it like a business deal. “Okay, I’ll marry your friend. My bride price is $1M, half upfront. I’ll accept his proposal once the money is in my account.”