This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
27 comments
When you’re messaging someone, and they ignore the very specific part about your plans. They’ve just replied to everything except the plan. Like I’m hungry. Just say if you don’t want to do it anymore. I’ll cook at home. Frustrating. I just take it as lack of interest.
[removed]
Going through a break up now. 4 years. So scared to get back into dating.
NOW he wants to have his friends join us for a movie night out?! Now?!
Seeing each other for almost an entire year and he’s introduced me to anyone we’ve bumped into, but this is another thing entirely and WHY now if he’s moving and things are very likely ending like next weekend?
But at least he’s FINALLY having me over to his place this afternoon— maybe I’ll discover I don’t want him after all 😂
I’ve reached the end of Bumble and Hinge in my area, based on the filters / deal breakers I have. I live in the countryside and there are less people than a big city so it happens. It’s a good opportunity to take a break.
I met up with a group of friends today for a walk, and we talked about plans for Halloween and Xmas. I’m content with the good friendships I have in my life.
Are any 40+ women in mid sized cities having luck on the apps? Recently that is. I often end up at the “end” of all matches because I have swiped through them all. I am not finding guys that meet my filters (distance and age). I really don’t want to expand my distance because the further out of the city, the more conservative the men are.
Looking for validation I guess that it’s my city that is the issue?
Saw a couple on the bus with two young kids, all dressed up like tigers to try and win a costume contest at the zoo. Unspeakably cute, I want some of my own so badly
Why am I (34F) a nutcase? lol I am just crushing on him (40+M) so hard. I doubt he even knows I am interested, and I rarely see him. His “resume” checks all the boxes, and my heart is like “okay, it’s HIM. LIMERANCE NOW!” And I am obsessed that he views all of my Insta stories because that is basically our only interaction lol…. Maybe my guardian angels can get with his guardian angels to get him to pursue me. Send help 😂
Had a coffee date today, it was nice! Conversation flowed well and lots to talk about. VERY different backgrounds but I really enjoy learning from a prospective partner so it’s good.
I have so much anxiety about being judged or objectified. Not being good enough or being used. It’s really scary and can stop me from developing my own feelings. Just trying to take big deep breaths and take it a day at a time.
I had dinner with my recently engaged 28 y/o friend yesterday. She said something about how she gets so sad that no one ever liked her in high school or college and meanwhile the other girls at her school all had a bunch of guys who were pursuing them, saying this in a very “can you believe how bad that was??” kind of tone. I had to look at her and be like “well, I’m 32 and never been in a relationship haha” in my best “I’m totally not bothered by this” tone. She was like “oh, well, you’ve been on dates, people have liked you!!” and I’m like, are you referring to the disastrous dating app dates I’ve told you about? And she just doubled down and was like no but they liked you!! And then I just changed the focus back to her story instead.
The comforting thing I guess (??) is that I’ve always thought she was incredibly gorgeous so clearly it’s possible to be physically attractive and still get zero attention (meaning maybe I am not so ugly and just have a bad personality?).
I felt like I handled the conversation okay but I’m definitely cringing thinking back on it this morning. I really really hate having to share with people how unloved and undesired I am, it feels so embarrassing to have to admit. I *definitely* did not get any attention in high school or college or really anytime after that either.
(Also WHAT is the remedy to people who are like “people are interested in you, you just didn’t like them!!” when the “people” are random people on dating apps? Like in my experience, those people were not especially interested in me either, it was very much we are giving each other a shot but the conversation is lukewarm and I am getting no signal that they actually care or are into me at all. One guy told me he couldn’t meet because he was getting his carpets cleaned and then wanted to hang out with his coworkers. Like this is NOT a situation that makes me feel like I have experienced being wanted. And yet I feel like I end up in some kind of argument with people who basically tell me my feelings of being undesirable are not valid because I’ve been on some dates before.)
As a follow up to my last comment (I don’t know how to link it like you fancy people lol), on our 4th date we were discussing what kind of relationship we were hoping for etc, as well as his marijuana use. He essentially told me he was willing to stop using altogether to pursue a relationship with me. I was not ready to commit to a relationship, and I realized with his offer of that, I didn’t think I was going to be able to get there with him. So we ended things there because I didn’t want to string him along. It was the first time I’d ever had that kind of conversation in person, and it was harder than I expected!
I do think it ended that way because we weren’t the right match, but I am also developing big feelings for my other connection, and I think that was at play too. I really like this guy and I’m excited to see where it goes. OLD profile still on pause and not panning to make other connections…can’t wait to see him again next week!
The folks who are coming to the boardgames get-together tomorrow are mostly familiar ones, but I was itching to meet some new faces today. So I decided to join an event last minute. It’s a 45 minute drive, at someone’s place where I’ve never been and I don’t know the host. Perfect.
Guess who turns up 15 minutes after I arrive? 40-fucking-F. (Rant incoming).
I mean, we’re part of the same singles community where tons of events are hosted so it wouldn’t be *that* unlikely that we’d never run into each other again. But had I known beforehand that she came, I would have passed.
It’s wild to run into someone who is actively stonewalling you. Back when the stonewalling first happened last month, I did try to open the doors to have a proper talk about if anything was bothering her so we could work things out. She ignored me (but never blocked, that’s the most puzzling thing to me). I’ve not made any effort to reach out since.
I could tell from her face when she saw me that she was shocked. The group was small enough so that we couldn’t really avoid one another, but I’ll be damned if she didn’t try her hardest to treat me like hot air. I decided to just focus on having fun with the others and just act cordial with her, because her stonewalling is her problem, not mine. In the end, I had a fun day! The host said I was welcome to join again next time, so that’s cool.
Yet on the drive home I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated. I just don’t understand why someone can be so warm, caring and friendly with you for three months straight and then apparently decide at the drop of a hat to treat you like you don’t even exist to them. Especially after complaining that people do this to her, too.
Well, good riddance. At least I’m hanging out with people tomorrow who don’t treat me like I’m invisible.
How do you know if it is a lack of chemistry, or could be something about you personally? I had my partner of almost 2 years end the relationship a month ago. I have grown up with social anxiety, and while it is for the most part gone, I have fears of being “boring” to conversate with in relationships. Before this last relationship, I had someone tell me that conversation with me was not stimulating, which has definitely made me even more self-conscious. When I was a kid, people would always ask “why are you so quiet”.
With my last relationship, especially towards the end, I noticed conversation felt very bland and forced, silences felt painful, etc. This has happened in every relationship I’ve had as it nears the end, although all the previous ones weren’t any longer than a month… but still the same thing happens; it’s like I get so in my head and I feel like I barely have anything to say…. At the beginning of the relationship, we were up till like 4 in the morning just talking in bed.
I am trying to figure out if this was a matter of me (32M) just choosing people I don’t have “chemistry” with, or if it’s a matter of my insecurities getting to me and eventually ruining the relationship and connection. Advice?
Been out with a guy a few times. He seems nice and decent but I think he is way more 420 friendly than he initially stated. We have met 4 times and he always seems under the influence. When I asked the last time he said he wasn’t, but he seemed a bit slow (if you know what I mean). Is this even worth having a conversation or just move on? I think if you say you are a once a month user, you aren’t on it every time we meet. I can’t prove it, but my ex became a stoner and this just seems too familiar.
[deleted]
11 dates and 7 weeks in. I told him twice I wanted to see him this weekend. He agreed but was waiting on friends in town. It’s Saturday at 1. He hasn’t responded to my last text on Thursday (he’s read it), where I tell him that I can’t wait to see him again.
Safe to say he’s ghosting. Bummed as I am kid free and wanted to let a little more loose with him.
I just broke up with him. I had to do it, he wasn’t ready to commit and I was feeling way too attached. He cried. I didn’t – then, but I cried when I left his place. I thought I’d just say my piece and leave, but instead we talked for over an hour, and he told me about his struggles with mental health and how he didn’t want to hurt me by becoming too enmeshed in a relationship. But we were already in a relationship – just this morning he had asked me to go with him on his research trip to Berlin.
I feel so extremely sad right now. I’m waiting for my train while I listen to sad songs on repeat. The other day we had a very intimate chat where he opened up about his depression and anxiety and I told him I’d love to meet him when he’s at his 100%, because if this is him at his 25%, that’s already amazing. I meant it. I keep thinking that, since his birthday is on Christmas Day, I could text him then and see if he still thinks about me.
I don’t know. We’ve only known each other for six weeks. Maybe I won’t remember him by Christmas. But it hurts so much right now.
She has a lot going on (mental health) and isn’t in a great place to date. We really clicked. Frustrating.
It was very satisfying to get two years of compost spread all over my beds today.
Had a first date on Thursday that ended up being 7 hours with a bit of a make out at the end. We obviously found it easy to talk to each other, played a board game at a cider bar, then walked to a place she likes, then to my usual haunt.
The thing is that she is right on the edge of being physically attractive to me, which in the past means I end up breaking up with them after three or so months. I told her where I was at the next morning (I knew she would want me to be honest here, I would have just said not feeling it to some other woman), and she wants to see me again. I’m a bit bemused, but I feel like I’ve done my part, and I do feel like we get along well and are looking for similar things in a relationship.
Part of her (perhaps slightly insane) response to my message was: “If I ever decided I wanted something with you & I came for you, I guarantee you’d feel something.” I do appreciate self-confidence in my partners, but this did make me go hmmm.
I’m taking a break from the apps after this, so I was more concerned with her time than mine. I’ve already unmatched or ended the rest of my chats.
I went out dancing last night after trivia and a woman approached me to ask if I was interested in being an instructor at her dance studio. I’m really not a great dancer, but she said it was about the confidence since the dance steps can be taught. I’m considering seeing if I can do just one day a week as a social outlet, plus it could be fun. I already have a career, but flattering nonetheless.
Unsure of how I feel about Hinge so far. I like that I dont feel pressured to swipe a bunch because of the limited likes per day. I also like being able to like a specific part of someone’s profile.
What i dont like is trying to think of what to say to any particular prompt. It’s very draining. A lot of effort comparatively for likely similar results.
Not getting much luck with the apps, barely any dates this year. Been going to cafe sometimes just to hang and draw, I wanna try appreaching people but I’m shy
I flew out of state for a wedding. The only person I know is the groom. So I go on the apps to secure a plus one. Connected with a guy. We talked for several days before I actually flew out. The day we were supposed to meet, he ghosts me. No problem. I had back ups for this specific possibility. Connected with another guy. We had plans to meet early to get a drink and chat. This one also ghosted me. The wedding is in two hours. I’m so sad and don’t even feel like going anymore. The men in this city are so unkind. Ridiculous behavior coming from people in their late 30s/40s.
Re: Jane Eyre quote from yesterday that someone posted:
I could probably get used to a quiet, unpartnered life, watching my kids grow up and just tending to the space I’ve created for myself and them, growing older with my books and plants and cozy furniture that I’ve picked just for me. It would be a version of life that wouldn’t be bad, and might even be peaceful. I could live that way.
But I know I would regret not having the companionship of someone that, through the years, would become my soulmate, my best friend, the person I would spend quiet moments with and laugh with, and who would challenge me to be better (I hope).
But I don’t know how to settle into the former without constantly looking over my shoulder for the latter, and I don’t want to become a pillar of salt as the years pass me by.
There could be someone for me, there could be no one that I ever get to meet, but I feel stuck between the two futures.
Just turned on Hinge to try dating again (in a new city!) after a hiatus. It’s easier to get dates here, but similar nonsense. I’m definitely a leftover digging through the leftovers bin lol
Just chronicling my misadventures here:
– Every guy here is lying about his height egregiously. A 5’11” man who is shorter than me (5’5”) is too much. I’m locking down the first 5’8” man I meet who is actually 5’6”.
– Three dudes took off their watches and handed them to me unprompted. Is this some new pick up artist sh*t? An excuse to touch her hand and also brag about your expensive watch?
– Went out with a seemingly nice, stable, blue-collar dude. He seems promising. Fingers crossed that I don’t botch this / the other shoe doesn’t drop.
– Met a single dad. From my internet stalking, I really dislike his exwife. This feels like a dealbreaker – I’d rather have kids solo than a blended family involving this woman.
– Went out with a couple academics (post doc, assistant professor). They were so jaded about life, it was very unattractive. Academia broke them.
– Went out with a doctor who was 45 mins late. When he arrived, he apologized and expected me to be nice about it. I said to his face that I was unimpressed. The date went fine, we got along well after that. But he did mention towards the end of the night that he was really surprised that I called him on it. I’m proud of myself. I’m done with people pleasing and tolerating bad behaviour.
I also had a dating app photographer take professional pics of me. Probably worth it, but overpriced.
Ironically, I posted yesterday about when one could expect emotional support from someone they’re seeing and I had a coffee date this morning with someone who confided in me they’d had a really bad week.
I was sort of taken aback even though he didn’t go into detail.
I’m the sort of person who likes to keep things light and fun early on. Probably in general if I’m being honest.
I mask a lot and downplay things. I do think those are behaviors I need to modify. So this is probably a me issue.
Still don’t know what to think of coffee guy though. Maybe it’s just because he’s had a rough week, but he just seemed sort of unhappy? Like not with me or the date, but in general.
Where do I meet woo-woo girls? I like the carefree hippie types, even though I appear to be the opposite. They don’t seem to be on the apps.
I shared a “diary” thing a while ago where I’d said I hadn’t had any luck getting dates across the entirety of August and most of July. It seems like I just need to keep up a fair amount of momentum in terms of sending likes to girls on Hinge because eventually this did build up into having consistently had one date per week since the start of September. Unfortunately, most of them were damp squibs and didn’t really go anywhere, but things have slightly improved lately and I MAY even have the beginnings of an honest-to-goodness crush again now.
I had my first date with Em yesterday. She was definitely attractive, the conversation felt like we clicked fairly well, and we had a kiss at the end. So, I’m feeling pretty positive about it. But of course, as I have the beginnings of a crush I’m already starting to panic a little bit. She texted pretty consistently every day on the apps in the lead-up to the date and like I say, the date itself went pretty well. And now she hasn’t texted me back all day today.
I’m gonna try and not spiral over absolutely nothing, but if it turns out she wasn’t really feeling it that’s gonna be a heck of a blow.