I’ve noticed as a lot of men get older it’s easy to become miserable. Even just going about day to day activities it’s like there’s underlying bitterness they carry that feeds into everything they do. Like repressed anger/sadness that’s misdirected and not processed.
I ask as I feel like this is me these days. I’m only 30 and have had mental health struggles over the years (was in therapy for 2.5 years). But I’d say overall I’m no longer depressed and I’m quite functional, I can face the day and do the life tasks I need to do etc.
But I feel like I’m carrying underlying misery, resentment and bitterness. I don’t feel angry, just not actually happy to be doing what I’m doing. I rarely want to go to social events, everything (whether it’s fun or not) feels a bit like an obligation at the end of the day.
I’m not even a parent or someone with heavy responsibilities but I feel like my time and space isn’t my own. There’s always something being imposed onto me. Someone else’s opinions/suggestions, someone else’s needs, someone else’s social plans, work and going to the office etc.
It feels like I’m constantly fighting for my own time and space, and it’s never enough.
I will say it’s been a long year of big transformations, chapters ending and quite difficult life changes. I haven’t really felt settled and happy for most of the year because of this. I’ve felt frustration over my living situation (which has thankfully changed recently).
I guess I need to find a way to release these trapped emotions but I haven’t felt “happy” for a lot of this year. Is there a way you got yourself back?
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As you get older you care less what other people think.
I feel I’m only just getting to know who I actually am at 40.
All the insecurities that made me a bit of a douche when I was younger have mostly gone.
What you’re describing is a rut. You need to make major changes. That’s what worked for me at 35 in 2013. I stopped drinking, split with the toxic gf, moved house and changed career. Fixed basically everything.
Do you have any hobbies?
It’s extremely important you take time to yourself rather than just grind the day away with work and fighting your own internal battles. I know it’s obviously easier said than done, but finding a thing you can do that allows you to put all the noise aside whilst you’re doing it can do wonders.
For me, it’s riding a motorcycle. When I get on, it doesn’t matter what kind of day I’m having, or had, I get on that bike and I’m almost emotionless. It’s just me, and the road. It’s a fucking fantastic kind of buffer, or mental reset and helps my head from being overloaded. When I get off, I have a little more mental freedom to process what has been going on. I’m suddenly not as over stimulated. If any of that makes sense.
For other people this could be drawing, woodworking, knitting, reading. It may take time to find something that fits the bill. But something you can just get lost in from time to time.
43 years old and had mental health issues struggles since I was 11. It’s important to unashamedly feel joy in the things you love. If you can find unironic joy in anything it’s a way to stave off the grumpiness.
It won’t go away, it’s always there, but I find unabashed joy in things I like keeps it at bay.
Don’t look at me, I’ve hated the world since before I was a teen. Getting old just gave me the money and the option to not have anything to do with it any longer. I bought a house in the middle of nowhere, no neighbors, surrounded by fields, retired early, and don’t leave my property unless I just absolutely have to. The only humans that I interact with are my family. However, I’m not miserable, I’m very happy that I’ve arrived at this point. I don’t even watch the news or read newspapers, so the world can burn without me watching it.
I would suggest that learning to be comfortable with uncertainty is an important first step.
Honestly, it’s a choice.
I used to struggle with being negative, unhappy with how I looked/felt, and life in general. I’ve been through periods of depression… I think all of that stuff is kind of normal for a lot of people in this day and age.
And then one day, I was just tired of feeling sick and tired and decided I was going to work on myself and my attitude. I started going to the gym, which was immensely helpful to both my physical and mental health, and tried working on being more positive and doing things that brought me joy and happiness. And I started feeling better as a result.
Life is not easy and it doesn’t help that we are bombarded with crap 24/7 that is depressing most of the time. But I recommend that you get off social media, go for a walk, spend some time by yourself (or with others) and start thinking of small things you can do to make yourself feel better. And then just stop making excuses and start doing them. That’s really all there is to it. One foot in front of the other, my friend.
As you get older you stop giving a shit about what people think and learn to be more honest and direct.
It can also have to do with hormones and mental health. Many men suffer from low testosterone and don’t realize it. This can cause a whole bunch of physical and mental issues.
I’m in my mid-50s, I feel this OP.
My Grandfather, Dad and Father in law were all three very bitter and miserable dudes. I worry about turning into them.
But I am open about my fear with my wife, we talk about it. Its not daily conversation by any stretch.
I am making healthier choices than they did. We are both physically active. We have a solid friendship and relationship at the core of our daily lives. I stay mentally active as well, especially outside of work.
They didn’t. They all lived sedentary, dull, solitary lives once they stopped working. Sitting in a recliner all day watching tv just melted their brains I think.
When I was your age I decided to start bucket listing things, which is my dumb way of saying, “Do and try things you’ve never done and tried before.” I figured since I wasn’t in love with life, I might as well keep it casual, ha.
So. I flew airplanes, scuba dived, climbed mountains, mountain biked, ran long distances, hiked even longer distances, shot guns, rc’d toys, painted, learned Spanish and a bit of Hangul, lived abroad, took off-road driving courses, bicycled further than I ever wanted to, jumped off cliffs (into water), bungeed, sky dived, learned and forgot how to play the piano, dirt biked, jet skied, golfed, and so forth. Even now, we just picked up and moved to Brazil because I’m on the back nine of my life and was feeling stagnant. Every day I’m learning and getting better at Portuguese, and in fact, in about five minutes imma go take a walk along the beach.
Make your life your own craft, your work of art. Don’t go to your grave wjshjng you had done this or that. Now THAT would be a tragedy.
Get a dog.
A lot of older people now grew up around lead sources, which is now seeping back out of their bones. Irritability is one of the symptoms. So you may not get that.
I am 54 and I have almost no social obligations. I just spend time with people I like. Who already live in my house. It’s lovely.
Sleep well, eat well… exercise and keep fit.
Don’t dwell on things and regrets you may have you cannot change the past.
I still play football at 45..golf with mates.
Gym and running with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I are willing to try new things, we are going to Italy for a windsurfing course next summer.
I helped that I divorced my wife.
Live in the moment as you are a long time dead.
As Nike says….just do it…
47yo male. There’s a bunch of stuff… Some things that helped me the most –
– Not comparing myself to anyone else.
– Not expecting life to be perfect. On the contrary – expecting a flat tire when you’re already late to work and while you’re trying to figure that out, your wife calls to yell at you.
– Speak up diplomatically, or let it go. That’s the cure for resentment. Resentment will destroy your life and will kill you. Also – learn to say no to things you don’t want to do.
Avoid – casual dating/sex, social media, porn, masturbation, binge watching TV, alcohol, junk food, drugs, materialism.
Do more of – things you enjoy (hobbies), lift weights (proven to improve mental health), read books, eat right, take PTO from work and don’t feel guilty about it.
It will be painful to stop the “avoids”, but if you’re already miserable you have nothing to lose.
We become sexually and materially invisible
TRT
Volunteering with kids is what works for me (in my case a local HS robotics team). Their enthusiasm and joy is infectious.
You need to find something that reliably makes you feel better. For me it’s watching birds in the park.
Would you say your career is a large part of what shapes your identity?
For some people, they couldn’t be happier working to survive in a less demanding vocation while they enjoy other personal pursuits that enrich their lives, such as a good hobby, or a busy social life.
Identify what in your current life is an authentic expression of yourself and what is more performative.
Learn to love your life as it is. You love people for who they are, and forgive them for who they aren’t, including yourself. You accept that the choices you made, while right seeming at the time, may not have aged as well as you’d hoped, but there’s good in them.
There’s a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.
I’m still trying to take the first step.
Maintain strong relationships with your family and friends. That’s what it’s all about.
Learn about re-parenting yourself with the 4 Agreements.
I can relate to what you’re feeling and can tell you it made a huge positive impact in my enjoyment of life.
You need therapy, plain and simple. Its not an easy hill to climb out of but worth it for yourself and everyone around you.
I was friends with a guy who turned out to be a miserable prick as the years went by. You can tell he had underlying bitterness that was left unchecked for so long that he became that misery. I worked with him also and he’d start fights with clients, then when we’d go out he’d start fighting with randoms. All that happens is people stop tolerating your shit and move on. I dont wonder how that guy is doing, good riddance, dont be that guy.
I think there are two components to it. One is finding a healthy outlet for your negative feelings. And the second is finding something that brings you joy. That’s really it IMO.
I feel marriage and parenting put a lot in my plate so I’m juggling with too many than I can handle.
You need religion. As most of us do. It gives you hope and a compass of truth and good to guide you
It’s perspective. Some would complain, “I fell down” while others would say “I fell but was lucky and wasn’t injured.”
I’ve been divorced twice and broke up from a relationship that was better than either marriage.
Something that could make a guy bitter but…… I’m in good health, I’m casually dating (numerous matches on dating apps), more money than I’ve ever had, take trips often, have a house, plenty of hobbies, about to retire comfortably……
After waking on eggshells my whole life I’d like to report my house is eggshell free and it’s great.
Really no reason to be angry.
The other day came home to kids climbing in my tree. Thought of getting sued if they got injured but refused to be the old “get off my lawn” guy. Thought, “i have insurance” and disappeared into the house like Homer into the bushes.