TL;DR:
36M with 31F, together 6+ years. Relationship started strong, lived together since COVID, now in a rural rented house. Problems began ~18 months in:
Me: Direct, practical, conflict-solving style. Senior doctor, long hours, dislike small talk, not very sexual (ok with ~weekly). Prefer to avoid expensive impulsive purchases. Feel that not every infraction needs a long sitdown conversation – many things can, and should, be resolved within a few seconds. I don’t cheat, love her deeply, but wonder if love is enough.
Her: Warm, empathetic, sensitive, easily hurt, anxious (especially about me cheating), struggles with impulsive spending and reassurance-seeking, avoids solutions in favour of comfort. Wants me to recount each day with exhaustive detail, and wants me to apologise for everything that inconveniences her. Crippling anxiety leads to frequent accusations despite my transparency; refuses meds, hasn’t pursued therapy (she’s a trainee psychologist).
Together: Sex life poor (feeds her insecurity and my frustration). She feels trapped without a driving licence/public transport. I’m busy with career work but trying therapy, cutting back hours, sharing more. We still love each other but constant anxiety, bickering, and mismatched coping styles strain things.
What I’m asking:
What can I/we do to save our relationship?
What are some things that you, or people you know, have tried when confronted with a similar situation? Did it work?
I am 36M and she is 31F.
We met 7 years ago and got together 2 months after my previous relationship ended. We have been together for just over 6 years now. My breakup had nothing to do with her. In fact, she and I weren't even on eachothers radar at the time.
As usual, things were great at the start. We spent a lot of time together, went out for walks, bars, restaurants, performances etc. We were physical and intimate. COVID came along during this time she stayed with me. Once lockdown ended, we realised we got along really well, so we both gave up our flats and found a larger one together. This is all rented. Three years ago, we moved into a rented house in another city.
18 months into our relationship, the problems started. There was no trigger. Not that I can recall, anyway. Our personalities started to come through. There was less compromise from both sides.
ABOUT ME:
- I like to talk straight.
- If theres a problem, identify it and come up with a plan to deal with it.
- If something needs to be done, just do it.
- If theres something that I really want, and I can't afford it or I don't have the space or time or… or… or…, I simply can't have it; maybe soon/next time, but not right now. The exception is if its something I REALLY want, then I'll try and change things to accommodate that passion.
- I don't like to talk about work. I like leaving it there. If it matters, I'm a senior doctor at a hospital. My days are long, and my total weekly hours reflect that. When I leave work, I leave it all there. Work is simply work, and I don't want it to become anything more than that.
- I struggle to make small talk. I have no idea what to talk about. It's less of a problem with her, as our conversation flows easily, usually.
- If she, or anyone else for that matter, does little things that I don't like, I don't say/do anything about it. We all have our quirks after all, and I feel that little things need compromise.
- Sex. I'm not massively into sex. I enjoy it every now and then (once a week), but I definitely don't like it as much as the streotypical guy. Is it because I'm too awkward and reserved? Because I'm not adventurous / spontaneous enough? Because I've never found the right partner? Because…? Because…? Because…? I dont know. But currently, this is how I feel about it.
- My final point about me. I can say this with confidence, in full anonymity and knowing full well that she NEVER comes onto Reddit: I have never, presently or previously, cheated on her or any other partner / girlfriend / love intrest etc. By cheated, I mean physically, verbally, emotionally, digitally and so on. In every sense of the word, with regards to relationships / connections / people, I have never done this. I include things like flirting and other similar actions often seen by others as "innocent" or "harmless."
- I love her very much. More than anyone. I want us to work. But I'm not sure love is enough – I think this is what hurts the most.
ABOUT HER AND HOW THIS CONTRASTS WITH ME:
- She wears her heart on her sleeve. She is open, and honest, and kind, and sweet, and caring, and empathetic. She is an all round genuinely lovely person.
- She is extremely sensitive to others' feelings. She will meticulously craft her words and sentences to prevent offending anyone. She expects others to do the same for her.
- She gets hurt very easily. If things aren't worded correctly, if actions aren't performed as she expects, she gets very upset. EXAMPLE [I'm in the kitchen cleaning out the fridge. She's next door in the living room finishing up some work stuff (she works from home, though her work day ended an hour ago). Me:"Love, do you still want this feta? Its two weeks old." This resulted in an hour of her telling me that all she needs is 10 minutes to get her work done, so why am I bothering her and asking her questions? Do I not respect her work? Is the feta really that important? etc etc. You could argue that if she wanted uninterrupted focus, she should be in the home office, or that a simple question really isnt such a big deal. She could have just said, "Still working babe. Will be done in 10 mins" etc etc. I could have not asked her anything, but I really didn't think it would be a problem. I know better now, obviously, but this is a recurring theme. Seemingly innocuous actions or questions or statements, that for some reason trigger her.]
- She has little self control. She is very impulsive and will often go into credit card debt to get what she wants. If she's out with friends or family, she would rather spend on her CC than tell others she can't afford it. Despite this, she always offers to pay for everyone. We have a shared account that we both contribute 50:50 to. We use it for joint expenses, groceries / house bills / takeaway etc. I earn roughly 8x her salary. So why is it 50:50? Because the difference in our incomes is going into a savers account so we can buy a house – which will be in both our names, of course. As such, I effectively have the same income as her for rent, bills, expenses and so on – all this to say, I don't think I'm being unreasonable with this judgement.
- When she has problems, she likes spending time being reassured and comforted about it and not actually dealing with the issue. She will eventually come around to thinking about how to deal with it, but not for hours or days. During which time, she wants constant reassurance and placating. I have no problems reassuring her, but she gets so upset during this time, made worse because she doesn't have a plan (her words, not mine) that I can't understand why she doesn't focus on the solution. She gets upset with me whenever I try to brainstorm ideas that may help her predicaement. I've stopped doing it now, but the result is that some of her issues persist for weeks/months when they could have been resolved in days. EXAMPLE: [She has been taking driving lessons, 2 hours a week, for almost two years now. She came home one day demoralised that she was taking so long. In the UK, the avergae learner takes 40 hours to pass, at the time, she'd had almost 70 (it's now closer to 100). She was understandably upset by this. I suggested she take her theory test as its dead easy and will give her the feeling of progress and will remove the barrier to sitting the practical test whenever she's ready. This didn't go down well. She ended up doing it 2 months later and then got upset at me for not pushing her enough to take the theory test sooner.]
- She tells me everything. And I mean everything. All the little interactions at work. The funny moments, the stressful ones, the sad ones, the awkward ones and so on. I genuinely love this. She gets so animated, I can see how much she enjoys it, and that makes me really happy. However, she wants the same from me, but I really don't like doing that. I don't have a 'team' at work – I work with different people everyday. Over the course of the week, I will interact a handful of times with 50-100 staff, and even more patients. I don't have the opportunity to bond with my colleagues at work, and I'm too antisocial to meet anyone outside of work. I've tried very hard over the last 4-5 years to talk more about work to her but the next points makes this really really hard for me.
- She is extremely anxious. It is crippling. The main focus of anxiety is me. Anything I do makes her suspicious that I'm cheating on her. She wants me to recount every conversation with every non-patient that I've interacted with that day. She wants to know the names of all the people I worked with that day, Whether I had lunch with any of them and, if so, exactly what did we talk about? 3 years ago, I was close with two colleagues (this was in a different city). A guy and a girl. Despite telling her about both of them, she became obsessed with the girl. Facebook stalking, looking up her details on the NHS system (she also works for the NHS) etc. Things got so bad, I let her go through my entire phone for an entire morning to look at anything she wanted, all of my messages/texts/whatsapp etc, emails, browser history and so on. I came back hours later to find her exhausted and, despite not finding anything on my phone, still anxious and suspicious. One time, she heard a sound which she thought was Facebook Messenger. I don't use it, but apparantly its very distinctive. We were both scrolling through our phones and she immeditely accused me of having messenger secretly installed. She looked at my phone and of course never found such an app, but then accused me of quickly uninstalling it. I have asked that she start anti-anxiety medications or go to therapy. She outright refused the first option and keeps saying she will do the second but has never made any move to pursue this despite 3-4 years passing. It's woth noting, she is a trainee psychologist, so therapy may be a sticking point for her. IMPORTANT#1: Once the anxiety flare settles down, she always apologises and always promises to be better. Outwith episodes of anxiety and sensitivity, she is amazing. IMPORTANT#2: For the first couple of years I was very patient. I would spend hours every 2-3 days breaking down her anxiety, picking it apart and getting to the root issue and showing her how that shouldn't apply to me for whatever reasons. But, the constant accusations, lack of trust and unrelenting episodes have taken a toll on me. I find myself being less patient and giving short answers and only engaging in drawn out conversations if necessary to settle down a flare. Currently, this means hours spent every 4-5 days. IMPORTANT#3: She doesn't do this on purpose. It is genuine anxiety. If she could click her fingers and get rid of it, should do it in a heartbeat.
- She wants me to apologise for everything. When I say for everything, I mean only things where she felt that (1) I am in the wrong or (2) should show empathy. I don't have a problem with this. But overtime, she now expects me to apologise for misunderstandings too. EXAMPLE1: [I came home from a really bad day at work – it doesnt happen often. She asked me about it and I explained my day. After which she comforted me and then I just siged and rest in her arms. She then asks "Well, are you going to ask about my day". I become alert immediately "Completely slipped my mind! How was your day, Darling?" She'd proceed to tell me about her day. A half hour later, she will come up to me and request that I apologise to her for not asking her about her day of my own accord.] Simple things that, in my opinion, don't warrant an apology, she demands them. I always found it odd, especially considering I never demand apologies from her, but lately I wonder if this is a mechansim of control? It is this very thought that made me want to post something on here becuase, fundamentally speaking, even thinking that seems like a really bad sign to me. EXAMPLE2: [We were in the bedroom. She was threw some freshly laundered clothes onto the bed and began putting them away in her wardrobe. I was changing the bedding. I tossed a pillow aside, it landed on some of her socks. That led to her demnading an apology, then a long conversation, at least 30 mins, about how my action hurt her feelings.]
- Currently, we aren't spending much time together. For the last four months, I have had to spend a lot of my time doing work at home for my career. Granted, this is due to come to an end in the next couple of weeks. But the end result is that we're only spending around 18 hours a week together. We have of course talked about this and she understands why this is happening and we both hate it. But it is tmeporary. And it is necessary for my career. While doing this extra work, I am at home. She can't drive and relies on me to take her places. She is currnetly learning, but has been having weekly 2 hour lessions for almost two years now and has yet to take a test. I'm not sure why shes taking so long. I suspect it has to do with her cautiousness resulting in slow progression. Being confined in the house, which is rurally located, with limited public trnasport options that take a long time to get to its destinations, gives her a feeling of entrapment. Prior to moving into this house, she researched the public transport and felt she would be fine with it, but in practice this hasn't been the case. The end result is less time together, and not being able to do much outside of the house either. I really do sympathise with her about this. I wish I could help more. Add to this, we have a (wonderful) dog who she primarily takes care of when I'm at work, which is both a blessing and a stressor.
- Sex. Currently, our sex life is bad. She wants us to be more intimate. I do to. We havent had regular/periodic sex in almost a year. We have times of intamacy randomly here and there. But not routine/regular. For her, it drives anxiety and insecurity. For me, the anxiety and constant bickering is a turn off. I'm not sure what the solution is.
- I know, without doubt, that she loves me as much as I love her.
WHAT I AM DOING
- I have started to engage in therapy. Work on myself to become a better person. Have more patience.
- I'm cutting back my work hours.
- I'm trying to be more conversive about work, even though I hate talking about it. Perhaps sharing more about work will help alleviate some of her anxieties? It hasn't made a huge difference in the past, but there was some benefit.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?
- I'm lost. I'm worried that this relationship is doomed to fail. Which is terrible and unfair, because we love each other dearly.
- How can I/we save this relationship?
- What are some things that you, or people you know, have tried when confronted with a similar situation? Did it work?
Thank you.