My partner and I (m,28) have been together for 2.5yrs. I have an Asian background but grew up in America and Europe. While he is fully European. Although I can speak the language where we live and work in that language, I don't like it at all, I hate it to my guts even. The only reason I chose being here is still because of my niche job content and the role of responsibility , and my family lives here. It drains me everyday after work. So we speak English to each other.
I myself find it difficult to be knit tight with family and like my own space and being independent. I like my family, I get along with them fine, but it's too much if I were to spend more than a week with them. I don't see them often (max 4 times a year), so when do have the chance to spend time together it's good. Meanwhile, my partner like to spend time with his fam, visits them often-ish. I see them more than my own fam. Honestly I find it hard needing to speak the language. It is the last thing i wanna do when i am not working. As time goes on, I expressed that I prefer not going to every single meet up with him fam because it sucks my soul out. He took it very personal, rightfully so. I mean it's just hard when it's not my native language and I hate speaking it already, needing to use it when I don't want to , is unbearable. But for him is like these small events it is important. He feels that me being there is like being part of family and shares the moment. He wants me to be closer to his family. The thing is, I feel it's already alot for me, in the sense his family text me and so on… Even his mom already calls me her daughter-in-law (yikes…no offense, I like her alot but I don't like that label, I don't feel that unless we are married). And she recently did something that I didn't like. I just dont know how to navigate it. Everytime he mentions about his fam visit us or there are family events, it makes me shake. Like within this month we are seeing them three times…no amount of talking about this, it is just we don't have the same way connecting to family
TL;DR: been together for 2.5yrs, with different cultural background. I genuinely wholeheartedly hate the lanaguge in the country we live in. I get tired and drained. He is from that country and have a different pov of connecting with family. He wishes that in the long road ahead I would be more and more part of his fam, aka more meeting up with his fam. I myself don't have to always see my family to be close, while my bf does. He wishes that I am more family oriented. I dont know what to do cuz we talk about it endless. Its a sensitive topic
30 comments
It sounds like you want your lives to be quite different. The country to live in, the closeness of family, time spent with others, etc.
Is there a reason you’re pushing this hard to find a middle ground vs finding someone who wants the same things you do?
How can someone hate a language?!?
“It makes me shake and cry”
A relationship should not cause that
He wishes you be something you do not want to be.
It will always be a point on contention between you and him.
Think of your wellbeing.
This relationship isn’t going to work long term if you hate speaking the language. If you have children his family is going to want to be involved and if you raise your children this language will be their native language also. If you want to try anyway I’d maybe think about getting some therapy to help you manage how you are feeling and reacting to it – hating something so much that you shake and cry isnt healthy.
Why on earth would you live in a country where you despise the language so much? You are making it other people’s problem by being offended that your boyfriend’s family speak the language of their own country. The horror! This is entirely a you problem and don’t be surprised if your boyfriend gets so fed up with this nonsense that he decides to bail. You don’t mention that you have any personal problems with the family; they are not unkind, rude or anything. You need to get a grip.
> Everytime he mentions about his fam visit us or there are family events, it makes me shake and cry alot.
This is an extreme reaction. Something here is not right. I’m not sure what it is, but something is wrong, an I think you need to figure out what that is and address it. There are people who hate spending time with their in-laws, but they don’t tremble and cry at the prospect. They either suck it up and go, or they don’t go.
I think you should work with a professional to try to get to the bottom of your strong emotional reactions. You’re not a bad person for wanting less family interaction. But I’m worried that there’s something else going on here.
If you two can’t agree on a compromise then you are simply incompatible.
You navigate it by amicably breaking up before you get any deeper
Why do you hate the language?
OP, this is not a fixable situation. You want very different lives and you are causing yourself an untenable amount of distress trying to fix it.
Like your relationship sounds like it truly exhausts you and I’m just not sure what you think can be changed about it.
You’ve been together for 2.5 years. I’m assuming this isn’t a fun fling and you’re in it for the long haul? Meaning potentially marriage and/or kids? If so, keep in mind that as your lives grow more and more intertwined, meaning these cross cultural issues will only become more prominent in your life. This is part of him and this is where you live. It sounds like it stresses you out and drains your energy. You hate the language and the simple presence of his family causes you to break down. So…why are you together…?
You kinda sound like my grandfather who forbade my Halmeoni from speaking Korean to my mom and aunts because he didnt like it. Every single one of us feels a disconnect to our heritage because of that and resent him for it.
Food for thought, if you want this to be long term.
You don’t have to stay in the relationship, or the country, if it’s causing you this much distress.
You can also hold a boundary – “I’m willing to attend a family event with you once every 6 weeks. If that is not enough for you then it feels like we have reached a point of incompatibility in this relationship.”
No one else will draw boundaries for you, you have to do it yourself. He can choose to accept or leave. It is that simple.
You’re in a situation which makes you shake and cry. He doesn’t care to find a way to help you and just expects you to deal with it.
I think there are many options for compromises but really the problem is he doesn’t care and you’re just not really happy in this relationship.
Why are you dating someone whose language and culture you resent and don’t respect? Break up so you can find partners that better suit the both of you.
Yeah, this isn’t different cultural backgrounds – this is a personality mismatch. He wants a partner who enjoys spending a lot of time with extended family and wants to be close to them. You’re not that person, and I suspect you wouldn’t be even if they all spoke flawless English. And that’s okay! It just means you’re not right for each other in the long run.
If this is a deal breaker for you and you are prepared to break your over this, figure out a tolerable schedule of how often you are willing to see his family (ex: once a month) and tell him that this is how often you’re willing to see his family, that’s the limit. You could arrange it so that they all know you’re going to be having dinner every first Saturday of each month for example. Explain him why it’s so important to you.
Make it very clear that you can’t do more than that and you don’t want any pressure or guilt trips because of that decision and just tell him if he can’t accept that then you guys should break up. If he says yes, but then after a few days/weeks/months he tries to pressure you again, you tell him “this is the last time I’m going to say it, if you can’t accept this we’re going to have to break up” and then if he does it again, just break off the relationship.
When people talk about sharing values or not having the same values as a partner or prospective partner, this is what that looks like.
He wants to see his family multiple times a month, and he’d want to do that if you were in the picture or not. He envisions a future where his SO integrates with his existing family. You do not. On his list of priorities and values, “spending time with family” ranks very high. On your list of priorities and values, “spending time with family” falls much lower. That discrepancy alone will likely make you incompatible. The distance you’d each have to go in order to compromise would likely be too much and not enough. Even if you both agreed you could skip many of the meetings, my guess is that at some point you’d become annoyed and resentful when a conflict inevitably arose and he chose them. (And of course, he’d likely grow increasingly dissatisfied that you can’t just come along and do what he’s doing.)
As a side note, speaking a non-native language every day, all day is exhausting! And if, for whatever reason, you hate doing it, the exhaustion is compounded. Regardless of what happens in the relationship, if I were you I’d consider whether I’m happy with the kind of life I’m living and whether some changes were in order.
Find sb else who is compatible with you, because now your relationship is not.
I don’t think you guys are right for each other. This is a pretty fundamental incompatibility.
I’m an introvert and am not that into family time, and I when I was single I wouldn’t have kept dating someone from a super close knit family, especially one I actively don’t enjoy spending time with for whatever reason. There’s just no real future there where you can find a compromise that makes both people feel good about how things are.
I ended up marrying someone whose family lives across the country. He talks to them way more than I talk to my family who lives close by, but I don’t have to regularly see them. I also wouldn’t insist on him coming to all my family events. There are some big ones that are required, but I can’t imagine insisting he attend every little family day.
Okay the title had me worried ngl. Turns out I was right to be worried. Fair warning, I’m dissecting this with no sugarcoating. You’ll thank me later.
You expressed (I’m going to assume civilly) that you need to sit some family events out for your mental health. He still insists on you going even though it’s causing you serious mental harm. You’re trying to set a healthy, *necessary* boundary here and he’s basically telling you no. Cultural norms are no excuse to cross boundaries like this. Ngl this takes a LOT of audacity imho. I’ve been in relationships where this happened; trust me, it’s not fun, and I’m still healing from it.
His mother is crossing a line. You two are NOT engaged and she’s calling you her daughter-in-law? There’s a reason this label is giving you the ick, OP. It’s because his mother is trying to assume a parental role with you, without your consent, essentially asserting herself as your actual mother. It’s a manipulative tactic meant to isolate you and control your decisions. If you let this continue, she’s going to continue being overbearing and trying to control your life. Tell her you don’t like her calling you her daughter-in-law just yet and watch how she reacts. If she starts throwing a fit, let that be the confirmation you might need to get out of this relationship.
Mentioning triggers (in this case, the triggers are visiting his family and the language you’re speaking) will inevitably cause high levels of anxiety and stress. What you’re experiencing is an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are symptoms of unhealthy relationships. Your body is telling you that you’re not safe and you need to run. How do I know? I also get anxiety attacks. They genuinely suck.
Tl;dr: Break it off, OP. Your boyfriend is neglecting your mental health, which is abuse whether you think of it that way or not. You’ll find better people, but this man is definitely not going to be a loss. 🫂
The 2 year mark is when you have a better understanding if you are compatible, if things that you aren’t compatible you both have a good compromise, or if you shouldn’t be together.
It sounds like family – spending time with them and connecting – is very important. It’s likely in the ‘dealbreaker’ category.
While you value more alone time or time with your partner.
Both are valid ways to live but if he requires his partner to have the same values when it comes to family – and it very much sounds like he does – then this relationship won’t work.
Either you will be miserable and feel forced – allowing resentment to build. Or, he will feel abandoned and like you don’t value his family in the way he wants – which will lead to resentment on his end for you.
It’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation about what your life together looks like for each of you. If you think doing this with a neutral third party – like a couples therapist – would help, then do that.
Both of you need to go in with the intention of listening to the other person. That means, when they are speaking, neither of you are coming up with rebuttals in your head. You are both simply listening to what the other wants.
You each take turns doing this and at the end you will both have your answer on if you are compatible and should stay together.
Neither of you should have to fully give up what you want, compromise can be found but only if both parties are willing. If he won’t bend and you can’t either – walk away.
You need to find a compromise. You would be ok with going to family meetings although they would have to be less often.
Now. Would you be ok if he goes on his own? From the next 3 planned visits id you go only to one and he goes by himself to the other 2 you’ll be ok? Is he willing to try?
Family seems to be very important for him and he wants you t one a part of it. Do you want the same?
Now. Language. In my language, daughter in law is just the way to refer to the girlfriend of the son. Doesn’t mean any official status. Like nephew or niece, you start a relationship you become the “daughter in law” because in our language it doesn’t have that official connotation, just we don’t use son’s girlfriend. We have a special word
Now, like religious differences. If you have kids, what language would they speak? If that’s their country, English or your language would be their second language used only sparingly. Are you ok with that? Are you ok with your kids visiting their grandparents as often as they feel like?
From my side I don’t think you two are compatible anymore. You might be ok as just a couple, but as a family I think your differences are too big …
Uh wtf. You shake and cry because he wants to include you in family events?
If you hate speaking this language perhaps you should move somewhere where you can speak your preferred language?
It doesn’t sound like you and your boyfriend share the same lifestyle.
It seems like you’re focusing on bf problem when the problem seems to be your own wellbeing. Sounds like you have a bad reaction to the language. I’ve been turned off by languages I speak and learned before. It’s usually some underlying thing that’s related to the country I moved to or bad experiences I want to forget. And it’s like I feel absolute disgust when I hear it. It’s never truly about the language for me because in the end I came around to being okay with the language, even missing it since it’s been a decade since I lived and worked there. To weigh in on the bf thing you guys are def not compatible
I am someone who is very close to my family and sees them often. My husband doesn’t see his as much, but he knew the deal when it came to how our social life would look before he married me, and he was okay with that. You and your bf are fundamentally incompatible right now, so you either need to wrap your head around seeing his family and speaking the language on a regular basis, or you should break up and find someone who has similar values around family to you. It’s not going to change, and if you keep on the trajectory you are now, you will either both be miserable, or he will break up with you instead. Family is something a couple needs to be aligned on 100%.
Hey, you actually hate your life. You seriously need to restructure it. And you don’t have a future with this man.
i dont have advice, I jujst want to say you sound exactly like me esp the part about not wanting to speak the language when not working. I even threw a tantrum in my earlier days because the Ace Attorney DS3 game I downloaded was in German.
You might not like to hear this, but for myself I never had, dont have and dont plan to have a boyfriend, German or otherwise. I migrated to Europe with that in mind.
I don’t think it’s about his family specifically. I think it’s you having PTSD from being immersed in a culture that’s not yours with no escape. And maybe a little bit about the frequency.
Do you have friends, community members, and social outlets reflective of your culture in your regular life?
How do you feel about your SO? It sounds like he and his family adore you. If you can’t respond in kind, then leave these seemingly kind and loving people alone. It sounds like they have done nothing to deserve your disgust or indifference. And you don’t deserve to feel the way you do either. Do yourself a favor and go somewhere where existence feels easier. It sounds like you’re miserable there.
It’s definitely time to bite the bullet and end the relationship. It’s never going to work and you’re both going to make eachother bitter and miserable and resent eachother.