Me (32F) and my partner (36M) have built an amazing life together. All the cliches; We have 2 children, a gorgeous house and he’s one of the “good men” for sure.
However, (you knew there was a but…) his libido ebbs and flows so much and I don’t know how to navigate it without crushing my own self esteem.
When we have sex, it’s amazing – he’s considerate and we both have great pleasure. But there’s huge swathes of time when he’s not interested at all. This has been the case the entirety of our relationship and when I decided to commit my life to him I knew this would be the dynamic.
The cycle goes: all is fine, I’m my flirty authentic self, he meets me there, I start to drop my walls and feel like he does want me. Something happens (there is no consistent reason of what this may be) and he loses interest. My flirty-ness is met with rolled eyes and exasperation. I stop flirting, we still get on happily but I try not to pressure him and try to protect my self esteem from repeated rejection. I feel more and more despondent as moments where I think he may want to (child free nights etc.) nothing happens. Then, seemingly out of the blue, he’s enthused again. I am shut down by this point and feel uncomfortable, don’t know how to be with him. I spend time building myself up to trust he’s interested… and repeat…
I know I’ve made myself smaller. I would love to get to a point where I could spontaneously try it on with him, and he’d be receptive, but he never is. I constantly have to second guess, and hope, and wait until he’s available. It is EXHAUSTING.
After our latest bout of this cycle, I’m not sure I have the energy to dust myself off again. 10 years in, I know his level of desire isn’t going to change (it’s the first thing to go if he’s tired or stressed or preoccupied or the stars aren’t aligned). I want to know how I can not let it affect me so much? How I avoid putting walls up? How I break this cycle?
Any thoughts?