My wife and I are about to celebrate our 5 year marriage anniversary and 8 years since we first started dating
The first 3 years of our relationship were pretty solid. Not perfect, but I knew she was the one. We did not have physical intimacy/sex issues. We had sex regularly every week
A few months before getting married, her career had really taken a toll on her. She was working +70 hours in accounting during busy season. It was tough. I would try to cook, clean and hold down the fort. But my career is not a walk in the park. I work in tech/Software Engineering
Eventually she pivoted out of accounting. Right before this, her anxiety got really really bad. We didn’t have sex at all which I didn’t even try to push anything related to sex given that she got to the point where she would have a panic attack just for standing in a line in the grocery store. It was bad. Covid was really bad. We got officially married during that time. Nothing fancy, just a small elopement with people that matter the most
During the peak of her anxiety, just after getting married, she wanted to find herself. She didn’t know what decisions were actually hers vs influenced by her mom. I respected the separation and accepted that we may end up divorced shortly after getting married. I wanted to give her space so we split. That wasn’t easy on me at all. She thought she had to figure things out her own. She cut out everyone. We eventually ended up back together but I couldn’t proceed forward in the relationship without her going to therapy and her actually reaching out to friends/those closest to her instead of shutting them out. We also did couples therapy after that. This really helped and eventually, she switched out of accounting altogether
Her new job was a lot more chill. That coupled with therapy improved our relationship. Thus, our physical intimacy improved (though, it was more like once a month… if that)
That same job has become a living nightmare. It was nice for the first 1-2 years and has slowly started to tank. She ended up working the same workload as her accounting days. The layoffs, demand for billable hours,etc. has led to a rough 2-3 years. Last year in particular was rough: she had bad panic attacks, to the point where it was starting to become debilitating again. So, this year, her new therapist suggested SSRIs. Most recently, it was strongly suggested that she consider medical leave for mental health. So we’re in the process of that
My job is more demanding now so I wanted to offload cooking and cleaning. Thankfully I also earn more. So we have a meal plan and I hire cleaners on a bi-weekly basis. I wanted to offload that time so that we can spend some time together. Whether it’s going for a stroll holding hands, checking out a restaurant on the weekends,etc. But honestly, most of the weekend is spent with her playing video games or watching tv. I tried letting her know I don’t just want sex, I want to feel wanted. I want to feel connected. But it’s pulling teeth. It’s hard for me to get her to do things that actually make us feel alive not just survive
She holds my hand, cuddles, hugs me, we always eat dinner together. That is our ritual time where we get some connection. Sometimes we’ll cuddle while watching tv
Yesterday I prepared a bubble bath for her. Not because I want sex but I just want her to be okay and idk how to help beyond that and letting her know she will truly be okay. It hurts. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping with the medical leave I can get my wife back. We used to spontaneously go for a hike, go into the city, go to a comedy show, etc. I used to feel wanted from my wife. I don’t doubt she loves me but I get insecure about the lack of intimacy. It’s hard on my physical needs and mental confidence