Me (46F) Him (42M) Married 14 years / together for 18 years
We have 2 kids – both junior high aged
Prior to 2020 (and covid when he got sent to WFH like I was for years) – we were the best of friends. He always brought me out with his friends / their wives, we talked about our days, shared experiences. I felt safe, happy and loved.
Since then, he has started to plan more golf games weeks in advance with friends. He will plan out going to watch the UFC fight weeks in advance at the bar. He will spend all day Saturday and Sunday at the bar drinking, playing darts and generally just not being home. He also goes out with his friends and they bring their wives – and he comes home and compares me to them. “Why can’t you be more like so and so? She dresses so cool and has such a good attitude”.
I saw this all happening slowly, and would try to talk to him about it. He would get defensive and say that these were the things “he wanted to do with his time”. He makes significantly more money than I do – and says that he deserves this time to do what he wants so he can be less stressed. I did the typical woman thing when I felt him pulling away and sent him millions of long texts begging him for some attention or a scrap of his time for a date night… that only pushed him away further.
I ask him to help with kid activities (mainly driving or picking them up from various extra curriculars) – and the only way he will do anything for me is an exchange for sexual activity. It’s put such a damper on my libido – he’s made sex a transactional thing now for me. I no longer desire it, because I know it isn’t an emotional thing for him anymore, it’s just another thing “he wants and needs”.
I don’t want to divorce – he’s a product of a nasty divorce that still affects our extended family dynamic to this day – and I know it would ruin our children emotionally.
This is just exhausting. I take care of everything for the kids, all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, appts, vacation planning…
He has started to sense I am withdrawing now. I no longer sit next to him in the living room on our separate chairs while he scrolls tik tok, gambles online or chats / texts with his buddies all night. I go to our bedroom and read or watch what I want on TV instead. Now – he is angry because I am “distant and cold”. How else am I supposed to be after 5 years of this treatment?
I know I should suggest couples therapy. I have a therapist myself, he does not. I feel alone, heartbroken, and like I don’t matter to him at all. Wondering if anyone out there went through anything similar, and give any advice at all.
Thank you for reading … 😔