My wife and I have been together for over 10 years. 3 kids. When dating, she was the most supportive and optimistic person but still had some anxiety and stress due to trauma in her youth. As we had kids, post-partum made those levels rise but I have always been able to manage the outbursts or mood swings by helping her calm down. Over the past 2 years or so, it's just reached new levels. We have had talks before about her seeking help either medical or therapy, but it never went anywhere. Shes been having stress with work and she has a habit of bringing that home with her and I am usually the "emotional punching bag" but I am usually supportive and just try to let her vent. Our sex life has also hit a wall. She was never a very sexual person to begin with but now its almost non-existant or when it does happen, it seems almost transactional or she does it just cause she knows I want to. She rarely seems even interested in the middle of it and its usually me getting her off first and then her just getting on top to get it over with. I initiate sex 99% of the time and its always the same 2 positions. She has no desire to do oral (giving or receiving) and weve tried doggy twice and just isnt for her. I can probably count on one hand when she initiated sex that wasn't around trying for kids. She swears she is attracted to me, and she knows it's her, but I really can't help but feel that my wife has no interest in sleeping with anyone, including me. Ive lost 50lbs this year and still hasn't really helped her interest. I am probably not the best at sex but I try to be communicative on what she likes/needs but she just says "I want to make you happy" but yet we do the same boring positions and oral isn't an option despite I love doing it.
I am very aware that post-partum hits women differently but our youngest is 2 years old and it seems things are getting worse. We try talking about the issues and she is fully aware her sexual drive is non-existent but she just won't go see a doctor and get her stuff checked out. After a fight the other night, I just felt mentally checked out and I feel I am at the point that she needs to go see a doctor to have her hormones, stress and anxiety levels checked or see a therapist to help her with her issues or I'm out. I absolutely love my kids and I think deep down, I know they are the reason I'm still here but at some point, I need to worry about my happiness as well. The other thing that scares me is I truly fear she would do something to herself if I filed for divorce as she has taken a knife a few times earlier in our marriage when fights got really intense (she didnt actually do anything but it was in her hand). She has gotten better because I told her straight up I would not be with someone that weaponizes suicide but the thought of her doing it because I left would destroy me.
I 100% know I have my own issues, I dont always pay attention as I should. I do have a bad habit of zoning out when on my phone and she feels ignored and not valued. I have been trying to work on that. I am trying hard to make sure she feels valued and seen as an equal but it is a work in progress.
How can I get her the help she really needs?