I sometimes think about how unfortunate it is that it's so hard to meet people in person instead of on dating apps. Wouldn't it be nice if men approached me in day to day life, like while I'm at a cafe or the grocery store?
Today I was grocery shopping, standing in front of the celery while checking the shopping list on my phone. A man walked up to me and said, "Hey, how's it going?" I barely looked up and mumbled, "I'm good, how are you?" and then pushed my cart ahead a bit because I assumed I was blocking his access to the produce. Only minutes later did it occur to me that he might have been trying to get to know me. I immediately felt awful because I know how hard it is to approach a stranger, I didn't mean to ignore him, it just really didn't occur to me that he was interested.
When I was checking out I spotted him in the next lane and I could sense him trying to make eye contact with me, but it felt so vulnerable that I just focused on the cashier. I feel so sheepish, how do I get past this discomfort of being perceived? For the record, I'm comfortable talking to men when we meet through friends or at a hobby. It's just meeting strangers in the wild that seems to make me feel so exposed and like I want to run away and hide. I also wish I was able to approach men in public but that honestly feels inconceivable to me, but any advice is welcome.
12 comments
Salutations!
Right now you’re regretting this one off, rare occasion. Now imagine if every single time you went to the grocery store you had 2 or 3 guys hitting you up for your phone number. No matter how polite they might be about it you’d quickly get sick of it.
There’s a reason as a society we said, “Don’t do that.”
If you want to meet in public it’s mostly about repeat exposure. That’s how it has historically worked. Whether you work in the same building, visit the same locations, walk in the same park, whatever. You routinely put yourself in social space **that you otherwise enjoy being in** so you can keep bumping into the same people until one of you says something.
For you ultra-introverts this does work with online spaces if you’re that adamant about never leaving the house. I met a woman on an EverQuest fan site while talking about music pirating. And this was 20 years ago when people found meeting someone online weird. I’m engaged to someone [I met on Reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/jr6p15/deleted_by_user/gbryf6n/) after making a joke about my labelmaker.
Anyways…
That being said if you do want to be cold approached in public there is one thing you can try and it’s dumb how well it works. Wear clothes with a logo or design of whatever weird stuff you’re into that isn’t currently mainstream popular (Sports team or #1 Swifty shirts don’t count). That way they have something to comment on and it’s something you can instantly bond over.
The number of women who struck up conversations with me once I started wearing my stupid nerdy hoodies is insane. Wear a Gloomhaven shirt and there’s a 99% chance somebody is going to ask if you like Three Spears or Music Notes more.
Outrageous behaviour! I hope you reported him to the police
Don’t feel too bad, we’ve been taught to be uncomfortable with this and for every 5 people with good intentions, there is one who has bad intentions. What helps me is to try to assess who seems kind and interesting and then strike up friendly conversations with them. Take control of it yourself.
> it just really didn’t occur to me that he was interested
I don’t think you can even imagine how many guys default to this exact same logic. I think it’s a result of us all being trained to expect everyone to react to us the same way, which causes us to subconsciously send those signals, thus reinforcing those reactions.
Sometimes people just greet each other out of politeness. I won’t read much into it. Honestly, I don’t like being approached in supermarkets, in stores or at the gym because I feel like that’s my time and I got my headphones on, which is so obvious. It’s also because it’s happened a few times and I find the experience to be rather strange especially in countries where strangers don’t talk to each other such as Sweden. Giving the stalker vibes.
Bars and clubs etc, fair game. But I dunno. I can only speak for myself. As a woman living in this world, especially if the area is rather empty and dark, I would prefer to be left alone.
Hey, good on you for realizing it the sane day! It generally takes me five to ten years to work out that this or that odd interaction was a stranger trying to flirt with me!
Approach any guy you find attractive. It will make his day.
Meeting people in person is made so much more difficult if youre waiting around for men to approach you. Do you ever approach men or initiate conversation first?
Give the man a compliment. Say his clothes look nice or he smells nice or you like his hairstyle.
We get complimented so rarely so you will probably make the guys entire year.
I’d say just do it with the intention of trying to make someone feel good, don’t have any expectations or do it for personal gain. You can see it as practice to help build your confidence
Try something new, like, “Did you get the nice celery, or did you check the dates on that milk?” Men love humor and small talk from a stranger. Or, on a stormy day, “Beautiful weather, isn’t it?” Don’t think every comment is a marriage proposal. To men, it’s like looking at cars, sleek?, comfort? low maintenance? We’re all looking for the same thing, even men are looking for connection.
Don’t feel bad, your gut was probably trying to tell you something. More often than not a random man approaching you is not a good thing. I live in a big metro area so any man approaching me in the grocery store is most likely going to do something weird or ask me for money.
I personally hate being approached when I am out doing my business (grocery, cafe, gym, etc). At somewhere social like a bar or club it’s more acceptable but can still be annoying.
This is sort of the problem of trying to meet people outside of “bars”
We all sort of understand that being in a bar means you may get approached and we’re all mentally prepared for it to some degree.
Walking up to a stranger in a store can go so many different directions