My wife and I have been married for 12 years, together for 14. Things were really good for most of that time, but things started to change after we had our daughter in 2019.
To be clear, she is an amazing mother. Her entire focus has been on giving our daughter the best possible life, and I think together we’ve done a great job. But since becoming a mom, it feels like she’s lost touch with herself. Self-care just isn’t a priority anymore—hair, clothes, makeup—it’s all taken a back seat. She’s not interested in fitness, and her diet is mostly soda and sweets. I do all of the cooking in our house and almost all of the dishes (the only time she does them is if I’m away on detachment).
The clutter has also become a major issue. Her family lost everything in a house fire when she was little, and while it affected her mom the most (who definitely struggles with hoarding), over the last few years I’ve noticed it creeping into her life as well. We still have toys from when our daughter was a baby—our garage is full, our oversized upstairs closet (which could be an office) is stuffed, even our bedroom is packed. Anytime I bring up consolidating or decluttering, she gets defensive and the conversation shuts down.
When our daughter started school last year, I thought that might be the turning point where she’d want to reclaim some time for herself and take an interest in making our house feel more like a home, but nothing has really changed.
Our marriage now feels more like a partnership than a relationship. We’re not intimate—the last time we were together was in 2024 when we were trying for a second child. Most nights after bedtime, I’ll go downstairs to game or watch movies while she stays upstairs on her phone. The resentments I’ve built up have definitely affected my attraction to her.
I feel torn, because divorce seems like an emotional and financial disaster. I’ve been in the military for 14 years, and I know she’d likely be entitled to part of my retirement, plus there would be legal fees, alimony, etc. She left the Navy in 2021 with 100% disability, so she’s financially stable, but she has no plans to pursue another career.
So here’s where I need advice: How do I even approach these issues without her shutting down? I’ve tried bringing things up calmly, but it always turns into defensiveness or avoidance. I don’t want to just keep bottling this up, but I also don’t want every attempt to talk to feel like an attack.
Has anyone been in a similar spot? How did you bring up difficult conversations with your spouse in a way that actually led to progress?
Thanks for listening.