As the title says my wife (28f) wants to take a break because she can't be happy when I (30m) am around. About a month ago she had brought this up and had gone as far as a full break up plan, not just a break. She had said she wasn't happy, so naturally I asked her if her unhappiness was with me and our relationship and she had said yes but made it out to seem that it was due to me not doing enough stuff around the house and that it felt like she was the only one building this home (we bought our first home in April). So I promised her that I would do more, and do the things that she wouldn't have to ask for, and everything she would want, and I did.
Things got better, we started to see a couples councilor because during that first conversation it felt like a lot of things can be resolved with counseling. We had our first sessions a couple weeks later but didn't get into anything deep. Things seemed good though and we worked on the things the councilor suggested.
That brings us to yesterday. I got home from work and she was on the couch and she had tears in her eyes and said it was a hard day. I asked what happened, if it was work related etc. and she said not really. She then began to read a definition. It was the definition for people pleasing and at the time I didn't know that. She then went on to say though things had been better than they ever lately after our last talk she was still unhappiness and it's because when I am around all she can do and think about is making sure that I am happy (the people pleasing) and that she neglects herself and her needs because of it. This caught me off guard because of two things I don't really ask for things from her except to be present and communicate (she was diagnosed with BPD both of which are tough for but she really tries to do them) and the things that she said she does for me as people pleasing I thought were just things partners do for each other like if one person has a bad day you try to cheer them up, doing just acts of kindness for the other etc. She then said that the biggest people pleasing thing she did for me was marrying me in the hospital room so my dying mother could be there. She said prior to that she started to have doubts about wanting to get married but thought it was just because she was struggling with her own mental health.
She then went into about how my presence annoys her because she feels she can't put herself first, once again I said that I have never asked her to put me above her. She said she feels this ball in her chest that just feels awful but she doesn't know how to deal with it while I am around. She said she wishes that she had something stable and reliable in her life and I said that I am here but that wasn't enough…
We kept talking all through the evening, I told her that obviously I want to be with her but I am no longer scared to lose her because the last time this conversation happened she hurt me pretty badly, she admitted that maybe this is some kind of self sabotage, and that maybe because she is actually at a stable point in life (we have a house, marriage, two cars, both have careers) that she needs the next "high" to chase (she had addiction problems in her teens) in life. Lots of tears were had and more word said.
This morning we wake up and talk a bit more and she asks me to go stay with my dad for a while. This kinda broke me because I on a personal level don't believe breaks work. But I want her to feel better and if I can't be around for that then I guess I have to go. We still have to lay out the ground the ground rules but so far we have no contact, and that she has to accept that I may not want to come back to us. I am picking up my stuff after work tonight and I will bring up more stuff. We have another counseling session on Tuesday so maybe that will help.
Has anyone been through a break in marriage before? Has anyone else experienced this in a relationship with a BPD person?
I think I really needed to vent, but any advice is welcome.
TLDR, my BPD wife is unhappy because she puts my happiness above herself and has asked me to move in with my dad so she can see if she can figure out her unhappiness without me around.
I love her with all my heart and I don't want to lose her but I know that this is something she needs and even though I am begging her to let me in I don't know if she ever will.