Hi all,
I’m trying to figure out if my ‘32F’ husband ‘33M’ of two years is a narcissist (I’m not even entirely sure I understand the term), and if so, whether this relationship is something that’s even worth working on.
We’ve been separated for a year now and have been living in different states. During that time, he’s gone through rehab and very quickly worked his way not only into sobriety but into a leadership role running a men’s program.
We hadn’t had any real conversations until just about a month ago. Up until then we were 100% set on divorcing but I wasn’t emotionally ready to start the process and once I was, paperwork kept getting lost in the mail.
When we finally had a real conversation we decided maybe we could give things another shot. The dynamic between us had often been painful due to his addiction and the deception and secrecy involved in maintaining it. But our marriage had some great moments and we undoubtedly feel like our connection is something special.
Now after talking casually for the past month (texts and phone calls here and there) I am noticing that my husband talks about himself a lot. Truthfully this has always been the case, but perhaps time away and healing has made me more perceptive to it.
To give you a sense of what I’m noticing, here are a few recurring patterns:
- He often goes into great detail about how he’s juggling many responsibilities at work, emphasizing how respected and admired he is by both his staff and the residents in the program he runs.
-He frequently brings up past jobs, especially ones where he held leadership roles.
-He mentions his "unique" life experiences as often was possible. Like living in New York City or working major sports events.
-He brags about how little he eats and how in shape he’s become.
I understand that some of these topics are normal things that come up. But the frequency and intensity of it all makes it feel less like healthy confidence and more like a need for constant validation.
I try to contribute to our conversations, whether it’s through banter, offering input, or even gently challenging or questioning him to keep the dialogue moving. I wait for opportunities to share about my life and he does comment, but it often feels one-sided like he’s just listening to respond and can’t wait to start talking about himself again. Truthfully, I’m a very sensitive person and I’ve experienced a lot of trauma, which gives me a deep need to feel heard in relationships.
It’s making me wonder if maybe we just can’t give each other what we each truly need. I’m trying to understand what this means and if it can be worked on, or if this is just who he is.
Below is a text I sent him last night that I think captures what I’ve been experiencing. Im hoping it provides context for our relationship for you all to understand what I mean.
He hasn’t responded yet, he said he needs time to process.
“Last night on the phone brought up some familiar feelings from our past relationship that I just couldn’t shake.
Sometimes during our talks, I come away feeling unheard or emotionally disconnected. It can feel like there’s not always space for me in the conversation, and that leaves me feeling insecure, like I’m not being engaged with as your partner, but more like a stranger, a co-worker, or someone you need to impress. I know I’ve joked before about you being long-winded, but honestly, there are times I feel like I’m mostly listening and not really being listened to in return.
That makes me question the intimacy in our dynamic, how we could talk for an hour and I still walk away feeling kind of invisible. Please forgive me if this sounds blunt because I don’t mean it harshly, but sometimes it ends up feeling like a bit of a pissing match, where we’re competing to be heard, to be right, or to be the best.
And I want to own something here too. I know that in the past, I’ve been guilty of taking up a lot of emotional space, which may have made you feel like you couldn’t fully be yourself. So maybe part of this is us still figuring out how to hold space for each other in a more balanced way.
From the very beginning of our relationship I’ve had concerns about how highly you speak of yourself and how often the conversation seems to circle back to your experiences, achievements, or skills. I remember even then praying that God would do a work in your heart in the area of pride. I recognize now that you genuinely give God the glory for where you’re at and who you are, and there’s no question about that. So don’t get me wrong.
Still, sometimes it feels like the focus stays heavily on how great you are, more than on shared dialogue or curiosity about me or my perspective.
When someone’s really into a person, they’re usually inquisitive about that person’s thoughts and feelings on things and I think that’s something I’ve missed at times. I know you care, but the way it shows up doesn’t always reflect that mutual curiosity or emotional investment I crave and I feel like I do have for you.
This dynamic has stood out in other settings like with family, friends, or people from church in the past too. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it can feel a bit imbalanced. Even my family mentioned it early on in our relationship. People outside of family hinted at you trying to outshine me or be in competition with me. Which I don’t believe to be true, but at the same time given your dialogue at times I can kind of see why it may have be perceived that way.
I do try to take into account that right now, you may not have a lot of close social supports, so maybe I get a more unfiltered or personal side of you. I’m trying to be sensitive to that.
Still sometimes it feels like you're trying to prove yourself to me, and I wonder if that comes from a place of insecurity or something else. Please know, I see your value. I don’t think you’re conceited. If anything, I wonder if this kind of self-focus overflows from a deeper need to feel seen or validated. I mean that as lovingly as possible. I am so proud of you, I have every confidence in you and I’m glad to talk about your work, experiences achievements etc and I’m not saying this in hopes that you’ll never talk about that stuff again. I don’t want our conversations to be inorganic or like they have to follow some script of format.
But I wanted to bring this up because I want to keep building something where we both feel heard and understood. You’ve mentioned before that something you’ve been working on is being slower to speak and quicker to listen, and that really stood out to me. It gave me hope that we can grow through this. But that’s only if you’re really willing to have these hard conversations and do so constructively.”