I've been reflecting on my adult relationships, and in hindsight most of them were pretty awful in obvious ways – being emotionally abused, treated like an afterthought, giving way more than I was taking, being cheated on, etc. Basically they had all the hallmarks of 'bad' relationships outside of physical abuse.
It took me a long time to kind of understand those relationships and why I was so miserable and what had done such a number on my self-esteem, and now looking back I realize that when it came to being a boyfriend or husband, I got a ton of advice – from men and women alike, for whatever it's worth – on how to be a good one, but very little advice for my own happiness. For that matter, almost nobody showed an interest in it.
I'm guilty of this, too. Looking back it never occurred to me to ask my guy friends about their relationships beyond, "How's (wife/girlfriend) doing?" To ask if they were happy with the relationship felt almost alien.
Bizarrely, the first person to ever speak to me about my own happiness was my best friend's now wife at their wedding – when I was 38-years-old. I felt so weirdly seen by a woman I'd only met a handful of times in a way I'd never been by close friends or family. (To cut off any potential speculation – my best friend is a woman, and her wife is an extremely butch lesbian.)
I'm just wondering if I was unlucky in my socialization that way or if this is common for most men? Did anyone else have to identify this and learn how to provide it late in life?