My wife and I are in our late 30's and have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have two amazing boys under 4 years old and live a good life by most standards. We both have our own mental health issues that we actively work on, we both came from parents who had significant marital issues and were poor role models for how to handle ourselves in our own relationship, and we see a couples therapist to help us work through it.
The early part of our relationship was exciting and fun and didn't have much conflict. I noticed quickly several differences in interests, energy levels, ways of socializing, etc., me being more active, socializing in larger groups, generally having more energy than her, where as she was more creative, introverted, preferred to hang 1:1 or in small groups. It was never quite enough to end things; there was still a budding connection there, an appreciation and understanding of each other that I enjoyed.
Unfortunately — and I say that because I know this is really a bad trait and makes me sound like a complete asshole — I went through several periods of judgment of many of her tastes / interests / ways of spending leisure time and her greater draw towards materialism and consumerism than me. I always managed to see through that and recognize it as superficial / immaterial, and although those moments caused a lot of tension, we stayed together.
Now we're in another rut, and it feels like the difference has gotten deeper. It feels sometimes like the material/consumerist aspect of her has gotten greater as we have both earned more money (she's actually far surpassed me in salary at this point, and given our respective career goals, it might stay that way for a while). I've felt incredibly disconnected lately, often feeling that I don't even know what we CAN connect over outside of our children and our house.
This has led me towards sinking back into analyzing all those past judgments and wondering if I missed something earlier on? It also has led me to being triggered by nearly every thing she brings up that feels like an example of how different we are, whether it's superficial things like referencing something she saw on Instagram or a reality TV show, or something more serious like our views and relationships with money.
I know that matters of taste or preferences in how to spend your leisure time aren't reasons to break up a marriage, let alone a family. Money is a more serious thing of course, but I think there's opportunity to work through it and align there.
I guess I just don't understand how I could marry someone and still be having all of these feelings. How is it that I'm 10 years in and don't know what we can do to feel connected? I look at friends who found partners who share at least one hobby or interest, and I get quite jealous. It's driven me to the point of tears and I can't tell if I'm doing it to myself or if this is a sign of a harsh truth about this relationship.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.