Sorry for the really long post. My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for over five years, lived together for almost two. I would say that overall it’s a very happy and healthy relationship and we’re probably going to get engaged/married within the near future now that we’re starting to settle into our careers. We’re sort of complete opposites when it comes to mental health/our feelings. I’ve struggled with my mental health, mainly anxiety, my whole life. I go to therapy regularly and take medication, and he’s always been very supportive of that. I’m also very open about how I’m feeling, sharing past experiences/traumas with him. On the other hand, he’s generally very guarded. He also has had a lot happen in his life, which I won’t get into too much since that’s not my information to share but it includes the sudden death of two close family members, including his dad. We got into a pretty big argument a couple of years ago about how he almost never shares his feelings with me but I can still that he’s upset, and that I want him to be more open with me for my own sake (my anxious brain will always assume that I did something wrong) and so that I can help/support him. Since then it has gotten a lot better and I think we’ve worked out a sort of good dynamic where he feels comfortable opening up to me but I also know when to back off.
This past year was a lot for both of us, his grandfather passed away after being ill for a long time and I’ve had some physical health issues. He would frequently travel 2+ hours to help his mom take care of his grandfather (doctors appointments, housekeeping etc.) before he passed away, and my health issues basically started I soon as that happened. While I have a lot of support from my parents that live close by and have gotten a lot better I feel like he swapped out being a caregiver for one person to another.
At this point I’m back to being independent and am working full time etc. I just sometimes need a little help every once in a while and some emotional support. He’s a nurse and works nights 3/4 days a week so I’m often home alone at nights. On top of that, he still frequently goes home to his mom/grandmother. I can tell he doesn’t want to and is doing it out of obligation since he never seems happy about it. I’ve always felt like he stepped into the role of his dad after he passed away, and he agreed with me when I brought that up. He deserves to be a (at least mostly) a care free 25 year old. Still his mom still constantly asks him to make the trip home even after his grandfather passed away almost a year ago for random stuff. She also calls him everyday, and while I don’t have any problem with him talking to his mom everyday seems like a lot, especially since he doesn’t always seem thrilled to get the phone call. If we’re together he’ll go into another room for a few minutes and apologize after if we were in the middle of something.
I can tell and my psychologist believes based on what I shared that he’s been a caregiver since he’s been a teenager, and he’ll probably suppress his own emotions for the sake of others. I’ve done my best not to put too much on his plate, and have gone to my family and friends when I need support but at the end of the day he’s the person Im closest with and I need him sometimes. It’s hard being alone on the weekends or when I get home from work half of the month. We got a cat, which helps but doesn’t replace my boyfriend.
He’s a few months out from switching to day shift which may make things better. But I’ve still tried to talk with him about how he needs to set boundaries with his mom. He agrees, but seems reluctant to do anything about it. I believe that everyone could use therapy, and I’ve recently started encouraging him to see a therapist to help navigate his relationship with and set boundaries with his mom, having a partner with a chronic illness and all of the other shit he’s been through. He hasn’t straight up rejected the idea but I don’t think he’s ever going to seek it out on his own. His job pays well and has good insurance so money isn’t an issue. I just want him to be happy and to not have so much on his plate. I think he was definitely raised with the boys don’t cry mentality and therapy is only for people that are mentally ill (this doesn’t bother me too much since I am mentally ill lol). I also just think it’s hard for him to talk about things that upset him.
TLDR: My boyfriend of five years could really benefit from/ needs therapy (I’m already in therapy) but is reluctant to start because of how he was raised and not wanting to talk about his feelings. How do I go about trying to convince him in a respectful/effective way