My husband is the absolute love of my life. We have both made mistakes in our marriage but my love of him is still deep. He is the best person I have ever met even with some flaws. I am 38 and he is 35. We have two young children, PreK and K. We are also a military family and over the past 6 years we have moved 3 times with two being within a year of each other because he was overseas for a year. After the birth of our first, I developed pretty bad anxiety but I have tried to keep it managed. After our second, I had gained a fair amount of weight that I have had a very difficult time getting off until this year. I was some uncomfortable in my own body and depressed because of it but between work, opposite schedules, and kids before, I was just never able to make it to the gym. All of these issues along with having no one else around for a long time really got to me and I am terrible with communication. Between these times, there were arguments but nothing super terrible. Unfortunately, I also had a huge decrease in my sex drive for a while. During all these personal struggles, I disconnected some because I felt like a disappointment to my husband. I felt disgusted in myself (he never contributed to it). As for my husband, I noticed anxiety in him as well. Especially being around large crowds but he doesn't feel like it is anxiety; however, I always felt that his frustration was directed at me and the children even when he was frustrated with other people.
Fast forwards to now, about 3 weeks ago he decided to let me know that he wants a divorce. This is after we talked some and agreed to work on ourselves first. I went to some therapy and he went twice during that 6 months. I was also in graduate school and had high stress added in but I have since decided it best to put that on hold for a while.Anyways- he tells me that he loves me, he is in love with me, but he is not happy and has not been in a while. He says that during all these stressful times and anxious times that I made him feel last and unwanted. It was never my intention. After he came back from overseas that year, he always seemed to be frustrated with me and the kids. To the point where he had anger as well and there were times of him raising his voice that even made me jump due to the loudness. I did talk with him about this. I told him I felt that his lack of patience, frustration, and anger was making him miss out on the important things here at home and that this part of his life was passing him by. He would somewhat get better but it's not really changed. I have started back to therapy because even with all this, I do not want our marriage to end. I know he is a good person but I just feel that the way I have made him feels along with stress has led to this frustration and anger.
Currently, we still live together. Some days it is as if nothing has changed but other days there is a disconnect and I feel very confused. He has agreed to discernement therapy after he saw his personal therapist and we have had one session so far. I felt like although it was tough, that something shifted a little in him. I have a problem with reading into things too much. Like last night when he asked what time I was going to the gym then if I wanted him to go with us. I, unfortunately, read into that maybe he was wanting to be around me because I have me majorly working on myself, communication, and trying to let him know things about how I feel about our marriage. This was not the case, because later he made it clear that was not his intentions and that I should not put so much emotions into everything. I just do not know what to expect or do. It's like everything I do is wrong. If I care, then I care too much and end up crying (which he comforts me) then if I try to backoff, he wants me to talk more. Why would I try to text a lot if I know he is not responding or going to take an hour to more to respond (which is not like him). Previously he has said he did not see himself changing his mind but last night said he was not sure what it would take to change his mind and still let me know that he loves me. He did admit that there was a part of him that still wanted to be with me but that he didn't see our marriage changing but is a little wild because I am putting in my work to change. I am not trying to make this one-sided. YES, we have both contributed to this situation but I am the one who is really not handling it well. I cry a lot. My children see it. I am often confused because I am so sad. He still hugs me and there is still a very intimate connection between us but I just do not even know how I am supposed to act and I know it takes time, but just a little hope from his end would be nice or even if he tells me to quit trying, which when asked, he has not told me that just said that is not his decision to make. I'm sorry this was long. I assure you that it could be longer but going to stop it here for now.