Hey fellow Redditors! I come to you today looking for some marriage advice. My wife and I (both mid 30s) have been married for 7.5 years and have two younger kids (between 4 and 7). Up until we had kids, our sex life was really solid, i.e. once or twice a week, adding some spice here and there, etc. We had talked about some extracurriculars with others (which did include a threesome with a woman once before we were engaged), but then kids came along and we had to table that for a bit.
Fast forward to late last year and we decided to finally take a trek to Canada to a sex club we had talked about going to off and on in the past. We went twice over one weekend, got over the nerves, and ended up having a great time despite not doing anything with anyone else. We had fantastic sex multiple times over the weekend and agreed it would be fun to go back. We ended up returning about 6 months later and same deal – multiple times, no others, amazing time. Since then though, she's had some minor-ish health issues come up, e.g. back and neck pain, infection (not STD), etc., and there's been multi-week gaps in any activity. After leaving the club the last time, she was rather enthusiastic about being willing to go back any time. Mind you, this is a lot more than just the club since we do an entire weekend the two of us exploring the city, getting fun food and drink, seeing the sights, and generally just bonding just the two of us away from the kiddos. It's a major stress reliever for both of us.
Now, I personally don't have a crazy sex drive, but I tend to start getting very grumpy if it's been over a week, regardless if it's sex, oral, whatever. It's something we had to deal a lot with during the pregnancies but got through it and we always get back to where we were. I was excited to be trying to get another trip slated for October or something before it got too cold, but she shot it down by saying we've got a lot of things going on, e.g. our son is starting winter sports on the weekends and she doesn't want him missing a single day, and that says she's good with not going back to the club just yet. That puts us out until at least March by that logic. On the other hand, she's doing a long weekend with some girlfriends (which she does 2 or 3 times a year) in a couple weeks and then a 5-day getaway with another friend in January, both of which are during said sports season and without the kids and I. She's said I'm welcome to go and do my own trip if I want to, but if I'm going to get away for a few days, I'd rather do it with my wife and strengthen our relationship, especially with as relatively tight as finances and time can be.
On top of that, the gaps in activity have had a cumulative toll on me and my view on our sex life over the years. I know a lot of that she can't control and I can't blame her, but then there are other times where she's just not in the mood and she flat out says she doesn't want to feel like she's forced into doing anything because it will cause resentment, so instead I'm forced to suffer on my own. We also got some new toys a couple months go, including a small item to start playing with the concept of anal a little, though we've yet to try out anything together, despite my allusion to it on several occasions. Because of a lot of instances over the years (like 80% of the time) of getting excited during the day only to have to wave off at the end of the day because of various reasons and being declined when spontaneity strikes, I've virtually given up on initiating because it's difficult for me to get myself all worked up and excited only to be left high and dry so frequently.
When we had a conversation about a lot this about a week ago (the recent stuff, not the longer term items that we've touched on numerous times over the years) she got pretty defensive and told me I need to "work on myself." Since this discussion, I've just felt so checked out and just don't know what to do to try and get things right again.
For some added wider context, I shoulder a LOT of responsibility – main bread winner (I make about twice as much as her, which allowed her to work part-time starting at the end of her first pregnancy to alleviate her anxiety that she has pretty bad sometimes, and I NEVER hold it over her head or even mention it since it doesn't really matter to me), I do 99% of the dishes (because her back bothers her if she stands at the sink too long), put away about 95% of both handwashed and dishwasher dishes, manage all the finances and taxes, do all the major house work and projects, gave the kids their baths/showers (they don't really do baths anymore and our daughter may or may not shower with my wife, depending on the day), work on the cars when broken, cook 99% of the meals (dinner most nights, breakfast and lunch on the weekends), etc. Her responsibilities are primarily doing the laundry, tending the garden in the summer, cleaning the (small) bathroom once a week, and cleaning the house (1100 sqft) maybe once a month.
All in all, it just feels like I give and give and give and then when I want something, particularly as it relates to the bedroom department, I'm met with dramatic inconsistencies and one-sidedness. She asks what I want in various contexts, I'll tell her, and then we just don't because she doesn't want to. I don't want to cause resentment, but I also feel like I deserve to have my needs and desires met once in a while. Divorce is absolutely NOT an option (I'll die miserable first). I feel like the easy answer is sex/relationship therapy so maybe an external party giving us advice would be better received than something coming directly from me. Any thoughts, advice, and/or feedback is IMMENSELY appreciated!
TIA!