We got married late March of this year. As of October 10th, we'll have been generally together for 4 years. I love this man. He's extremely well liked, doesnt have a single enemy. He's a hard worker, handsome, and a good care giver. But holy shit…. I feel like a dumb ass for marrying him.
He proposed twice. Once on our one year anniversary, which I said no to. He tried again about a year and a half later, which I said yes.
We nearly broke up because he cheated. He has a porn addiction, and when porn stopped doing it, he finds girls online to chat with. It started with cam girls, then 3 actual online girlfriends. His main topic of conversation was how ugly I am and how fat I am (I'm conventionally attractive and skinny, many people tell us I'm out of his league). He said he only said that to get pity nudes. I'm scared to know how old one girl was. I found out the week we moved in together and couldn't leave as I had no money left. We decided to pursue therapy, solo and together. I had already been going for about 2 years at that point (nearly 5 years total). Every therapist assured me it was a one time thing and he could get better.
I'm so fucking stupid for believing that. Basically, for the past year, he's been spending about $100 WEEKLY on online prostitutes. He would pay them to rate his…member and would get custom video chats. He mightve sent videos I made of myself but he denies it, the evidence I found wasn't proof enough.
We didnt take a honeymoon because we couldn't afford to….because he spent all the money on that. And the entire time this was happening, he was actively trying to get me PREGNANT. He started the month he started spending money on it. He literally only fucked me ONCE A MONTH to procreate. We had one chemical pregnancy but that was it.
I just feel awful. Some days I don't think about it. Some days I recoil at his touch. Some days him just speaking is enough for me to roll my eyes. Some days I love him more than anything. But he murdered my libido ages ago and I'm just now realizing how bad that is.
But I never feel the urge to kiss him, or even hug him. I used to BEG him to sleep with me. Now I crave the touch of other men. The thought of him touching me and using my body to get off makes me sick, but I also feel like if I dont it'll only make things worse. He's been 'sober' for a month now. But he hasn't even taken me on a date, or even done anything. When I found out, I planned a day all around his hobbies and he ended it by purposely pissing me off, so I stopped trying.
The issue? I'm 100% reliant on him. I lost my job (just got a new one but it's a major paycut) and shit spiraled, and he's the one pulling us out of debt and catching up on bills. My insurance is in his name. My life is in his name. And I'm thankful for it, he's working his ass off rn. But I wish it wasn't like this.
But I'm crying myself to sleep tonight wondering who I would be and how much I'd be getting laid if I left him earlier. Now…. I'm just sad. I'm only 26 and I have sex 11-16 times a year. I dont feel like I mean it when I shower him in 'I love you'. Everything feels performative.
I hate him. I love him. I hate my life. I hate what he's dragged me through. I hate celebrating his fucking porn sobriety. I hate just being the wife. A couple times I wished he was dead and felt so fucking guilty. But I don't get nervous when he's late anymore. I dont tiptoe around his feelings anymore. I just feel empty.
I want freedom. I want to fuck other people just to feel wanted and fucking enjoy life. I'm sick of sitting on the couch every night with someone I cant stand to make too much eye contact with, rotting away watching YouTube because he doesnt watch television.
I hate myself for getting this far. Sometimes I think just ending it all would be easiest. Then maybe he'd feel true guilt. But then I'd never get laid again, so who truly loses.
He forced me to cut off my best friend. We reconnected this week and while my husband is upset about it, idc. I dont fucking care. I'm done being the perfect working housewife he wants. Idk how much longer I can pretend. But I have nowhere to go, no money for myself. I'm stuck for a while and I cant stand it.
Honestly, if I mentioned everything he's done this post would be 5 times longer. But I feel guilty enough talking this much shit when he's taking care of me to this extent.