I, the male, have been with this girl for 4 years. We were constantly stressed due to work, school, and low income. We were strong for 2.5 years, and after counseling, therapy, and trying to make it work, she decided to stop seeing me. This was due to my lack of help around the apartment. We had other serious problems but this was the biggest. The 6 months we were apart, we were both grieving our best moments, our values, and our future. We understood we still loved each other and it was most likely the situation we were in. I promised to meet her expectations of helping her when she needed it and to try to meet her "team mentality".
We reunited, and after that, everything improved dramatically over the months. All serious problems dissolved. My high intimacy wants, retroactive jealousy, and jealousy were gone. Her constant need for reassurance, anxiety, and anger management was improved as well. We learned how to meet each one of these needs equally. The final months were bliss. She told me constantly that she loved me and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her. I reciprocated how she made me feel and would thank her. At this time, I was hinting that I would propose in October with the ring I custom-built that she wanted exactly. I just need to ask her dad first.
After a trip, we decided to go on a diet for a future trip to Cancun. It was a few months away, so I said I would take all responsibility for the logistics and cooking. I cooked and made meal plans based on a caloric deficit. 5 days in we got into a fight.
This morning I was grumpy and noticed myself drifting gradually each day. This is how the argument went. She woke up
F: Can you clean the dog pad(I've had a history of her asking that too many times in a day, and she knew it was a boundary I told her not to say). I told you last night as well, and I had to pick it up.
M: Please don't ask me to pick up the pads, you know how I feel about it. When I see it I will pick it up. I was going to last night then you just picked it up immediately after I said one sec.
F: It's not just last night, you haven't been picking it up for a while.
M: Yes, and I admit I haven't been doing it well. I've been stressed this whole week because of the diet.
F: That's no excuse, I'm hungry also. And you have been doing it before the diet.
M: That's not true, just a couple of weeks ago you complimented me, saying how well I've been cleaning. We haven't argued about this for a long time. So stop asking me to clean the pads I am trying my best.
F: I wouldn't have to ask you if you would just clean it in the first place.
It gets heated, and for the first time, I say an indirect insult by calling her dumb. And we keep escalating.
In the end, she said, " I'm going to my friend's house. She was there for 2 hours, and after I walked the dogs, she was there waiting for me.
She went first and said I will not be disrespected like that and I thought you had changed. I need somone who I can rely on and help me. You don't have that team mindset. I'm done. I don't want to talk ever unless it's about the lease.
I said I'm sorry it was a mistake for me to insult you; no one deserves that. I'm hungry and not in the correct mindset. She replied You are sorry.
She had a suitcase, grabbed one of the dogs, and left for her parents.
In one morning she had left me
The next day I felt abandoned and confused. I knew why she left, but why didn't she try to stick around and try to resolve it together? Did our years mean that little? I deeply regret what I said. Why won't she hear me? I faulted yes, but couldn't she see my growth in helping her?
She came back saying Here is the lease agreement, let's go to the office and sign. She also said that she doesn't hate me, but thinks we are not compatible. I said it's better if I go back home. I need a safe mental place to grieve. We said goodbye, thank you, and love you. Then hugged.
The next day, I went back home to my family two states away, since I knew no one here besides her and her family. And we have been in no contact unless it's about the lease.
What can we do now if we want it to work? How does each of us learn to let go if we can't?
This pain, I don't wish on any human being, we were so close to building the future we always wanted. There was genuine love, but were we really incompatible? I know she's mourning I can hear it in her voice and subtle crying when she came back to get her stuff.