How do you know if you should stay or leave a long term relationship? I (26f) have been with my girlfriend (27f) for six years now. When things are good, they are SO good. I feel like a kid when I’m with her, and we just laugh and have so much fun. We make a great team, and we take care of each other. She’s my favorite person.
But recently, we had planned a weekend getaway to a nearby city to celebrate our six year anniversary. She actually had an event in that city anyway, but we decided together that I would come with and we would stay longer. Her event was early in the morning, so I got up early to go with her and waited while she was there. Then when she finished, I had multiple options of things I had researched that I thought we could do together. I started trying to give some ideas, and she seemed to have a problem with everything I suggested. So I asked her what she would like to do, and she said she thought we could go to Target. I said okay, and we went and shopped for a little bit (I don’t even like shopping, but she does so I was trying to be a team player). While we were there, I was making little jokes and trying to make conversation about items in the store, and she was being very cold and not responsive to me. We got back to the car, and I asked her what else she would like to do. She got upset and said that this weekend was not planned out enough and it was stressing her out. I said I was sorry, and I suggested one of the activities that I had written down that I thought would be fun. She didn’t want to do that, so I suggested another. She reluctantly agreed, so off we went. I was again trying to be bubbly and happy and have fun with her, and she was again being very cold to me. It didn’t seem like either of us were having fun at that point, so I asked her if I had done something to upset her (we were back in the car at this point). She said no, she was just tired from the early morning, and she was stressed out because we “didn’t have a plan”. I again told her that I had made a plan, and had even planned backup activities in case she didn’t like the original things I had planned, but I apologized that I didn’t communicate that plan to her in advance. She then started saying that she didn’t even want to go on this trip and that I had forced her into it. At this point I was bawling and told her she could have told me that at any point leading up to the trip, and I didn’t understand why she would wait until we were already here and had already paid for a hotel. She said she didn’t feel like she could tell me, but I said I didn’t get why she apparently couldn’t tell me before, but could tell me when we were there. This conversation went back and forth for awhile, and we ended up driving home (an over 2 hour drive). To be fair to her, she had brought up the idea of staying the weekend in the city about a week prior, but we hadn’t actually booked a hotel or anything until the day or two before. And I didn’t know that she was feeling anxious about not having a plan, but I do feel bad that I contributed to that by not telling her what I was thinking in advance. But I just felt like it was so hurtful for her to say that she didn’t even want to go and that I had forced her into it and she couldn’t talk to me. She later apologized for all of those things and said she DID want to go on the trip and was sad we didn’t end up doing anything.
There are other issues, too, and after that weekend they’ve seemed more and more alarming to me. Being in a queer relationship is hard sometimes, and we live in a conservative state. I am not big on PDA, but she won’t even hold my hand on a hike when no one is around because she’s scared someone will see. She has also never posted me on her social media. I definitely don’t think social media is everything, but I want to get married someday. Would she not even post our wedding pictures? Would she not tell anyone that she’s married and has a wife? I’m really concerned about that. When we first got together, she said she wanted kids. A few years ago we were talking about kids with someone, and she said she doesn’t want them. I was surprised and asked her about it, because she had said she does in the past. She then told me she lied about it at the time so I would like her. To be fair, we were both 20 when we met, so I can understand making a mistake and lying about something like that. But now she makes me feel guilty for thinking about kids, and for her the door is apparently completely closed on that. I’m not sure if I do or not anymore, but I told her I just needed the door to be open to having that conversation.
Last thing… with the holidays coming up, I asked her what she would like to do. We have never spent a major holiday together, and I told her that it was really important to me to be with her, and that when we’re apart on those days I just miss her so much and struggle to enjoy myself because I want to be with her. She said that it wasn’t as big of a priority for her, but that she would do it because she wanted me to be happy. This really hurt me. I don’t understand how we could be together for six years and she could still not prioritize being with me for holidays. It just makes me worried… because if she doesn’t at this point, will she ever?
I’m just really struggling on what to do. We moved to a new state together, and our families are both an over 12 hour away drive. I don’t know many people here, so I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about any of this. We live together, and I honestly probably couldn’t afford the rent if we broke up and she moved out. And beyond all of that, I do truly love and care for her so much. She’s my favorite person and my best friend, and I can’t picture what life would look like without her. Are things fixable? Should we try couples therapy, or is it too late? Does she even like me? How do you even let go of someone who you’ve planned a whole future with?
TL;DR: a ruined anniversary trip has me rethinking everything and fixating on other issues.