Sorry for long post. And typos english isn't my native language.
Me and my BF met 5 years ago. First year was great, lot of attention etc. There were things that l worried me a little but nothing big (like him being annoyed that my dog leaves hair everywhere). Also he asked me like 8 months in relationship to move together to which I told him that it's too soon. But otherwise everything was ok. Since he lived with his mum we spent time together at my flat mostly. He even lived a while with me when covid hit in second wave.
Fast forward year and half, my lease got raised so I decide to move. I asked him if he wants to move with me somewhere else. First he came with solutions like we can live with his grandma, since her second floor is empty which I refused bcs I didn't want to live with his grandma and didn't wanted to engage in possible future conflicts (like us being loud etc). I tried to explain but he took it badly. I waited like 3 months for him to tell me if he wants to move in with me and I really had to move since I terminated my lease. I asked again and he told me he isn't sure if he wants to move with me. Since I run off the time I took his offer that his boss is looking for tenant in her flat and I moved to another city. Rent was great, his work was in same city and I went telling myself that I'll be closer to him (I lived like 40 km away from his home before). He even told me that now that he doesn't have to travel to another city he can come more often and see me more.
Well I live in that flat till today. When I moved I saw him even less. I broke up with him around March like 4 months after I moved. I was fed up. No communication, no commitment, no attention nothing. He rode every working day around my flat to work and back and never even stopped for visit unless I basically guilted him to do it. So I ended it.
Fast forward to july, he came back. And I let him. I missed him and I said to myself, that I'll give him another chance. Well he reversed back to his old self in like 3 weeks after reconciliation. After like month I asked him why is he cold towards me. His answer? Bcs I had profile on dating app when we were broken up and he found out. I was shocked but he didn't even wanted to hear reason.
Come December and I was fed up again. I was done being invisible and be always blamed for lack of effort (and I tried like crazy, I always planned dates, I was only one who did, it was always me to ask him if he's free, took vacation days at work to be with him, I was always interested in his day and what he does) and I broke it up again.
He came back around June. And I let myself to get entangled again. However in those 6 months we were separated he started to build house to finally move from his mum's house. I was happy for him, when he asked me I was always there. To discuss house layout, plans, kitchen etc. End of July real building started and again, I was there when he asked me, when they laid foundation etc. But our relationship was cold. I again felt like I pull all the weight, planning all our time together, taking days off in work to be with him. And this September I called him out. That I don't feel loved, cherished or anything. And that I don't even feel like couple. And he told me that he has so much work around construction of house and his job that he just emotionally shut down bcs he doesn't have time to deal with this. I asked what, and he told me that I never took interest in house he builds for us (he never called it our house. It was always his house). I told him that I don't feel like he wants me there. That he not even once invited me or mentioned that he wants me part of processes and I just assumed that I will not be moving in with me bce he didn't ask me. Also his actions towards me basically told me same. I asked there and there how's it going and I helped with specific things when he asked but I never truly felt welcomed. And he kinda blew up. That he should have to ask, that these things should be automatic and that he felt alone when they were building walls etc and he was there alone and I wasn't there. I didn't know about any of this bcs he didn't tell me.
Since then it's even worse. He blamed me that we are together basically 5 years and not living together. That I took no interest in his house, our future. And that he isn't sure that he even wants me there. He was also mad that even if he wanted me there I suggested kinda half living together. Like I would come for week so we can get used to being in one house and he accused me of having back door.
Well after all those years where he constantly blamed me for everything not working with us, not seeing me or making time for me for months, refusing to see me when I invited him bcs he had diffirent plans even when we didn't see each other for like 3 weeks, shutting me out emotionally, he just wants me to toss everything and move in happily. Well I don't trust him. Even if I wanted to move in all I can see are years of me waiting for him doing all the heavy lifting with out relationship and him blaming me at the end why it doesn't work. And I just don't trust him. He only sees his goal. Living with loving partner. But can't see all the work that must be done before such thing can happen. And for love of god I can't explain it to him.
He told me that visiting me on weekends always disturbed his routine and his comfort. That he felt like guest in my home. So after some time he just didn't wanted to come. But he wants somebody live with him? Without those things first? I just don't get what, where and how did I things wrong. Why do I always get blamed and end up as biggest problem. I'm thinking of ending things with him. I'm so tired, emotionally drained and done. I asked him yesterday how does he feels about this. He told me that he isn't sure. But I feel like I waited already for too long for him to change. I always communicated my feelings, needs. I was always respectful, never blamed him. And all I get from him is he need to think about it. But on other hand he told me he is too busy and emotionally shut to deal with this now. So what do I do? Do I wait another month? 2? Or do I end it? I'm at the end of my rope here.
TL;DR; BF blames me for our relationship failing and me not wanting to move in with him but he never did any real emotional or relationship work for me to want live with him.