I (34F) have been with my husband (34M) since fall 2019. We got married in late 2023 and had our first baby in mid 2024.
The problem is intimacy and affection—or really, the absence of it unless I initiate. We haven’t made out in years. Even before marriage I brought this up, and since 2021 I’ve been raising it regularly. I’ve asked for longer hugs, real kisses, and more physical connection. Nothing changes.
When I bring it up, he usually sighs, rolls his eyes, or acts like I’m being dramatic. That leaves me feeling like my needs are “too big.” But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want physical connection with my spouse. He’ll respond with an action of my request (like a one armed hug, or peck on the lips—but no words of affirmation or reassurance that I’m sexy to him) but the precursor of dismissal makes it feel icky and forced.
For clarity: there are no medical issues. When we do have sex, he’s fully able to finish and be present in the moment. The issue is that he never initiates. Sometimes he’ll even agree when I ask, saying “later tonight”—but then the night comes and nothing happens. It feels humiliating to beg for intimacy and still be let down.
I’ve tried different ways of initiating—lingerie, spontaneous make-out attempts, even waking him up with oral sex. But even after that, there wasn’t any added affection or warmth the next day. I’ve told him gently, “I don’t need this right this second, but my love tank is empty and I need more physical affection.” Still nothing changes.
At this point I feel more like a roommate, nanny, or house manager than a partner. I’m drained from asking for the same thing over and over. Being dismissed hurts worse than staying silent. And I worry that if I stop asking altogether, it will mean I’ve stopped trying.
This lack of intimacy feels tied to a lack of emotional closeness too. The marriage I imagine for us is so much richer than this—laughing, exploring, desiring each other. I’ve always seen intimacy as a powerful, joyful part of connection, and I thought he would value that too.
For background: not to sound cocky, but I know I’m conventionally beautiful/hot. I’m confident in my body. I’m not perfect (size medium, hourglass with some belly) but I’ve always been comfortable in my skin. In past relationships, partners couldn’t keep their hands off me. I hate comparing, but the contrast makes me feel like I’ve lost a part of myself.
Right now, I just don’t feel desired. And that loss is taking a toll on me and on how I see our marriage.
How do I cope with feeling so unwanted despite voicing my needs?
At what point do I accept that this won’t change vs. keep trying to fix it? And how do you accept it?
Has anyone navigated this “roommate phase” successfully, and if so, how?
TLDR:
Together since 2019, married with a baby in 2024. My husband has no medical issues but never initiates intimacy or affection. Even when I ask, he sometimes backs out. I’ve raised this for years with no change. I feel more like a roommate than a partner, and I don’t know how to move forward.