Hi everyone,
I’ve known my friend “Maya” (30F) since I was in high school. She had already graduated, but we met through a mutual friend. We lost touch for a few years, especially after that mutual friend and I had a falling out. When my dad passed away, Maya reached back out to check on me, which I really appreciated. It felt kind and thoughtful during a time when I really needed support.
At first, it was nice to reconnect. But over time, I started realizing the friendship wasn’t a good fit for me. Every Friday she would message me asking if I was free or if I could come over. I almost always had to say no because I had other plans or just needed time to myself, but she kept asking week after week.
Something that added to my discomfort is that she doesn’t drive and is currently unemployed, so if we hung out, it always had to be at her house. It made me feel trapped in a way like the only option was to be in her space on her terms.
We did hang out once, and that’s when things crossed a line for me. I’m naturally kind and affectionate with my friends I love hyping people up and giving compliments but I think she mistook my kindness for flirting. During that hangout, she made moves on me. I told her I only wanted to go as far as kissing, but at one point she pulled me onto her bed and had me straddle her while we were kissing and cuddling. I froze. I’d already made my boundaries clear, and I didn’t know how to stop the situation without making it worse. We didn’t go further, but I left feeling uncomfortable and pressured.
After that, I told her I wasn’t in a place to be seeing anyone and needed space. I tried to quietly distance myself. But every time we’d start talking again, it would eventually circle back to her asking me to come over. She never wanted to meet halfway or do anything else just me at her place.
Then on her birthday, she told me that her friends had thrown her a party. I wasn’t invited (I don’t know her other friends), but she messaged me during it saying she was upset that I wasn’t there, that I was “the only person” she wanted there. That made me really uncomfortable.
When we reconnected again recently, she said she wanted to hang out before moving out of the country. Her messages started turning flirty again saying things like “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with you” or “as long as I’m doing something to you.” I had to restate, again, that I only wanted a platonic friendship.
A few weeks later, I woke up to a voice message from her that honestly just made me freeze. It was a half-asleep ramble about how she missed my face and voice, how she’d wake me up with pancakes and sausage, and then this odd monologue about me being “the best (my job title)", It was so personal and intimate that it made me deeply uncomfortable.
I haven’t replied since. It’s been a few weeks now, and she’s still messaging me. Every time I see her name pop up, I feel anxious, resentful, and guilty. She does struggle with PTSD, depression, and anxiety, so I know she’s not coming from a malicious place. But my boundaries have been crossed multiple times, and I just don’t feel emotionally safe or respected in this friendship anymore.
I’ve thought about just continuing to ghost her, but she doesn’t seem to take the hint. Would I be wrong for ending the friendship outright? And if I should end it, what’s a kind but firm way to do it? I don’t want to hurt her or make her spiral, but I also can’t keep feeling this way every time she reaches out.
TL;DR: My friend (30F) has repeatedly crossed boundaries and made flirty or intimate comments after I (25F) said I only want a platonic friendship. She can’t drive, so I can only hang out at her house. After a recent overly intimate voice message, I’ve stopped responding, but she keeps messaging. Would I be the asshole for ending the friendship, and how can I do it gently but clearly?