Hi yall, I'm literally crying in the washroom while typing this rn, but first off, forgive my English as I'm not a native speaker. Long story short: I (19F) am thinking of a break-up with my BF (24M), or to find ways to fix this — because he has been absolutely mean (for the longest time) since I've started putting on muscle weight, due to my sport that I compete in.
As background, we have been dating for 1 year and 8 months, and have been chill for the most part. I was already a competitive swimmer then (I started as a kid), but when I shifted schools, I was put on this new competitive program that had way more training, and I also switched strokes. I've always been rather broad-shouldered, but as a result, I got much more muscular than before (this was not immediate, this was across the span of more than a year). I grew stuff like abs and arm muscles, and got much leaner, but it's been super helpful for our timings.
My BF is gradually and increasingly more mean about it (even though he passes it off as harmless "jokes"), and even though I've told him before – that his words sting. There have been times when – because I'm noticeably buff(er) than before – our friends or at parties, would make comments about it (in a good-natured or friendly manner), like stuff like poking my skin/body or asking about it, but in a good-hearted way.
And my BF would, especially these few months, turn down the vibe, by saying stuff like "Yeah, doesn't she look like a man?", or "So gross, right?". And the mood would noticeably take a turn for the down, but it helps in that it changes the topic, though I know that he does mean what he say. He even does obvious stuff like, make disgusted faces in front of everyone about it, or pretending to vomit whenever my muscles somehow become "visible" (his words), like when I'm doing just simple everyday things like tying my hair, which I completely don't understand (and I've asked about it, he just doesn't want to communicate – he just says unhelpful stuff like "Your body fat level is so low now, that's so unattractive now"
All of this is super super hurtful (esp bc I don't have a choice). The breaking point for this was when we were alone earlier, he was just obviously not interested. During intimacy, he took one look at me and he said that I was now unfeminine and too muscular, and that he got "scammed" because I wasn't like this (and used terrible words like "disgusting" with six packs to describe me) when we first got together. I don't think I look all that different from previously, though I have some changes, I definitely still look like me. He asked if I could stop training (I can't lol). Our intimacy has been worsening over the past year and this was just the last straw, which makes me want to either end the relationship, or stop whatever is worsening it/find a solution. And I do want to find a solution because I'm not someone who just gives up like this, but his actions and words have made me feel really shitty and dirty, esp because none of this is my fault
TL;DR: I had to put on muscle weight for sport, my BF reacts horribly to it over time, and constantly demeans me (even in public, in front of our friends).
Thanks in advance for any input or advice.
43 comments
There’s a reason he started dating you when you were barely legal hun. He’s an immature creep.
Don’t stay with someone who treats you like crap.
There aren’t any magic words that will give your boyfriend a good personality. Kick him to the curb with the rest of the trash.
Leave him. You don’t deserve to be put down like this
There are plenty of men who don’t body shame their partner . Dump this loser asap
Sounds like he is intimidated or insecure. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely out of line and acting like a complete arsehole.
Dump his ass, keep doing what you love, and wait for the right person to come along that loves you for who you are.
You’re too young to be settling for twats like this. If he is saying stuff like this now, can you imagine the type of person he is going to become as he gets older?
Your BF is supposed to lift you up and support you! He should be your number 1 supporter!
It is not worth being in a relationship when your number one person is bringing you down!
Trust me, there will be a lot of guys out there that will love you and support you! They would love to have a sporty gf.
Personally, I have always been a swimmer in school sport and the swimming girls always looked really great, even the ones who gained muscle weight.
You’ve already told him to stop and he hasn’t, he’s even publicly shaming you…frankly he’s attempting to control and is abusing you
Dump his ass you deserve someone who supports your passions and finds you attractive
It doesn’t matter what else he does for you, it’s gonna be stuff someone else can do better
Ditch the guy, nothing masculine or “manly” looking about a physically fit woman. If he behaves this way when you are trying to improve yourself that can only clue you in to how he will treat you in the future when you decide to improve yourself in other ways.
If his comments are discouraging you, look at very fit women like “LeanBeefPatty” on YouTube and you can see how despite their extremely fit physique, they still look very feminine and perfectly fine to any normal person.
Don’t give your time and energy to negative people like this.
Walking away from a verbally abusive man isn’t “giving up”. He has made it clear in order for him to treat you well, you have to give up a sport you enjoy so you are aesthetically pleasing to HIM.
You shouldn’t be trying so hard to polish this turd. You should never stay with someone that makes you feel this bad. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be for you to heal yourself from all this emotional and verbal abuse from him.
WTF?? He’s got no right to shame u for being fit & strong, esp when it’s smthn u need for ur sport. Clearly, he preferred u when u were ‘soft’ just to boost his own ego. U seem like a strong gal, both physically & mentally. Dude ain’t worth it if he can’t respect that. Don’t let anyone dim ur sunshine for their comfort. U rock those abs, girl!
Your BF’s jealous that you’re growing strong and turned off that you’re looking less *like a child* every day. Both red flags. I think it’s time to find a more age-appropriate BF, someone who’s also under 21 and maybe also active in college sports.
Bodies can and do change over time for various reasons. He is showing you through his actions and words that he will be cruel to you when your body doesn’t meet his preferences. This is not a relationship that you should try to fix, this is a relationship that you need to end.
It’s cool, beautiful, hot, whatever, when people put effort and passion in what they do. Not only is his behaviour abusive, your partner and friends should be people who appreciate you for what you love.
Holy shit sis, you have a literal six-pack, you should totally rock it!!
Don’t forget your muscles are your strength, and strength is always beautiful. You’re gonna have to communicate what you communicated to us to your BF. How he reacts will tell you what you need to do next. Also never forget that at bare minimum you deserve respect, moving on from a partner who doesn’t respect you isn’t giving up. Good luck with the sport, and hopefully he can see how this is hurting you.
You are a fit college athlete who is being made think she is negatively gaining weight by an annoying guy. Leave him for someone who isn’t dumb and understands that his athlete girlfriend is an athletic woman😂. There will be plenty of good guys you can pick from. Good luck!
(I have to admit that I creeped on OP’s profile, and fam you look INSANE!)
Take it from a fellow female gym-goer who’s trying so hard to get your exact abs, that you’re being insulted for right now
DUMP. HIS. ASS. NOW.
omg he sucks, dump him
I gained more muscles from working out more and my husband is just like “oooo so muscly! soon you could crush me into paste!!!” and then we giggle.
You want a partner who celebrates your success, not one who tears you down. He asked you to stop training???? That shows he thinks you being sexy to him is more important than your goals and your happiness. What happens if you get sick, is he going to insult your body? Is he going to be happy you got thinner?
I think you should break up with him. Better alone than with this guy trying to crush your self-esteem.
He’s jealous. Plain and simple. Don’t date jealous people who need to drag you down, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC. If I saw my partner get fit to excel in their sport as long as it was safe and healthy I’d cheer them on and hype them up. Can’t believe you could bring yourself to try to sleep with him after he called you a man in front of all of your friends. Girl, stand up.
GET RID OF HIM. He’s obviously intimidated by your fitness.
Throw the whole man away. Bodies change over time. Will he mock you if you put on some fat in the future like gaining stomach fat during pregnancy? What if you need to get a mastectomy (breast removed for cancer) or other major surgery which changes your body?
My wife has been with me 8 years and many body changes and my body is always beautiful to her because she loves the person inside it.
Dump him. Athletic female body type is perfect for most men, you’ll have many better options.
Those aren’t jokes.
He’s cruel.
Oh. And you need to text him that you’re done with him. And to not contact you again.
He’s destroying your self esteem and self respect.
Ditch the guy. Like today! Start your week off with a feeling of FREEDOM …
Exhilaration.
Like you just took an epic poop… 💩
You literally don’t need to be with someone who is mean to you, do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy especially after such a relatively short amount of time, at such a young age.
The solution is he isn’t mean to his girlfriend, but he’s shown he’s not capable of that so it’s not on you to find a way to fix this.
sis, you are looking great! please do not listen to toxicity!
Girl. Do better for yourself. You know you are beautiful and powerful and talented. Don’t waste your time with this terrible man who doesn’t appreciate you and literally insults you daily!
Throw the whole man away.
Not only is he criticising you constantly which is unacceptable for any reason , he’s being unsupportive as the change in your body is to succeed in your sport. And he has no problem disrespecting you in front of company.
He’s not even embarrassed to keep his thoughts private. You can do better
There is absolutely no justification for him to treat you this way. Leave him.
He must be really insecure if he can’t handle your new physique.
He does not live you. Heck, he doesn’t even like you.
Do not ever stay with anybody that treats you badly. He is literally showing you who he is. Believe him.
Don’t be ashamed of what you are doing or how you look. I’m sure you’re fabulous and if you’re able to wear them, dresses that expose your shoulders and very toned arms would be amazing on you. I’d give almost anything to look that great.
If it offends you, I’m sorry, but eff this guy all the way off. You deserve to be with someone who celebrates all of you, and isn’t a belittling toerag like this guy.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
My man calls me “muscle mommy”, gives me a squeeze and suggestive eyes when he sees my muscles as I stretch out
Find a man who loves women, this guy clearly doesnt 🙄
Girlll I took a peek at your profile and I’d literally do anything for abs like yours wtf 😭😭😭
My best friend from elementary school was a competitive swimmer in highschool, and in line for a scholarship for swimming to a local university. Her bf didn’t like how muscular her shoulders got from grade 10 to grade 12 and basically bullied her into quitting (saying she looked like a dude in her formal dress (which looked gorgeous on her!) and who knows what other stuff he said behind closed doors.) anyway she quit swim, didn’t get a scholarship, got pregnant and he ditched her.
Which is all just to say, your guy sounds like an ass, definitely dump anyone who body shames you or belittles you while saying they love you. Actions speak louder than words!
keep the muscles, ditch the sack of useless fat…
I bet hes just jealous
u dont wanna be with someone that makes you cry
Keep being amazing at your sport. If he can’t admire the hard work, dedication and strength that comes from competing then he’s not worth your time. If he’s not celebrating he can be celi-bating
“BF, listen, I think it’s time for us to end this. The comments you make about my body make me feel really bad about myself. I need to be with someone who is supportive of my sport and the things that I love. We just don’t have that in common anymore. We want different things. But I want you to know I wish you only the best.”
You should absolutely break up with him.
He’s awful. Don’t date awful people
He’s not your boyfriend, he’s just an asshole you’re spending too much time with.
Imagine not being attracted to your partner because they want to be in peak condition. What a dweeb.
I know 19 and 24 don’t seem like a big difference but at that age it really does matter pls leave him and live your best life
Drop this loser. He’s mean-spirited and doesn’t care about you.