i’m looking for relationship advice on a situation that’s a first for me. it’s long, but tl;dr at the bottom.
i started seeing this girl, we dated for a few months, then made it official. i’m early 30s, been in a few long-term relationships, and i know what i’m looking for. she checks a lot of boxes- very supportive, kind, great chemistry, all of it.
about a month in, something gave me a gut feeling to look a little deeper into her online presence. i’m not proud of the spiral, but i followed the feeling. i came across a tag that led to an account where she’s doing findom (financial domination). i had no idea about any of this beforehand. it was posts of her belittling guys as part of the kink and them essentially worshiping her.
i sent a screenshot, she immediately pulled the account down and called me. i needed space, then we talked. her explanation: it was “just an act,” helped pay for things, not who she is in real life.
in the space i took, i researched and then asked her direct questions: how active was she? private chats? calls? videos? anything else i should know? a lot of her answers felt vague or softened. she said she barely does it now, used to be more involved, and that it wasn’t “sex work” in her mind.
i spent a weekend digging and found old accounts and archives: multiple handles over the years, large follower counts at one point, links to OF pages, references to private chats/calls/video “drains,” and a bunch of people bragging about sending her stuff. some of the older posts were way harsher than anything i’d ever expect from her. i even noticed a couple posts from when we were in a relationship, offering “drains.”
when we talked again, she was defensive at first- said it was invasive to look that far back and that it was her past, deleted for a reason and the focus should only be on the current posts/problem. i explained why it hit me the way it did. after that she calmed down and got more receptive, but still a little guarded. she maintained it was a role, friends pushed her into it back then, and she didn’t see it as sex work. said there was no explicit content on OF, more like the same stuff she posted to social but behind a paywall.
we found some common ground. i told her if she genuinely doesn’t want this in her life anymore (which she said), then she should remove whatever is left and shut it down fully, not for me per se, but because she said she’s not proud of it and doesn’t want to do it. i also asked that if people reach out to those old accounts, she reply once that she’s done and then block. she’s shown me a few examples of doing that.
it’s been about a month. the obvious stuff is gone, but there are still fragments floating around (old payment handles, random references), and she thinks i should trust that she’s done rather than continuing to check when I ask. she says no one’s reaching out anymore. sometimes she can even joke about it to lighten the mood, but to me it still doesn’t feel funny. i keep wondering if i’m being naïve. i don’t want to police her, but i also don’t want to ignore my boundaries and end up resentful.
what i’m looking for help with:
- for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, how did you approach trust-building after something like this?
- what steps or boundaries helped you feel secure while still being respectful of the other person’s autonomy?
- if a partner was once deeply involved in something like this, how did you both navigate the transition away from it and make sure it truly stayed in the past?
- any advice for separating anxiety from actual red flags when the past still lingers online?
i genuinely like who she is with me — she’s not dominant with me at all, actually the opposite. it messes with my head that her online persona was so far from the person i know. i get that people can compartmentalize and play a role, but i’m struggling to reconcile it.
i know ultimately it’s on me to decide if i can move forward. i’m just hoping to hear from people who have navigated something similar and can share what worked (or didn’t) for them.
tl;dr: new relationship, found out my girlfriend had a long history of findom/online sex-adjacent work and a little activity overlapped after we got together. she says it was an act, she’s done with it, and has been taking accounts down and telling people not to contact her. i’m struggling with trust and want advice from people who’ve been in similar situations — how to set healthy boundaries, rebuild trust, and know if moving forward is realistic.