UPDATE: He moved out. We didn’t really even discuss it. He says I am a narcissist that plays the victim and he won’t put up with it anymore. I guess he took my trash out for me 🤷♀️
My boyfriend (44m) of three years and I (41f) fight about my son (11m) a lot. Mainly about how messy he is and also about his attitude. For context – I won’t lie, he isn’t the rosiest child. He’s been through a lot of trauma from what his father did to us, and has seen and heard things no child should have to go through.
That being said, he can be very sweet and thoughtful, but if he’s tired or in a bad mood he is outright rude if you approach him. Snappy, dismissive, and acts annoyed. I guess I just always kind of left him alone and went on living my life when he’s like that.
My boyfriend doesn’t do that. He lets it bother him when my son is like that. When I explained how my son is he says I’m making excuses for him being rude. So I tried to put more effort into pushing my son to be more polite even though he doesn’t want to be. He shuts down a lot and my boyfriend tries to push him to talk when he doesn’t want to. I don’t understand that, and he says I’m enabling his behavior by giving him space when he doesn’t want to talk. Maybe I am enabling but I just don’t understand.
When I want space and I request it, I would expect it to be honored. I don’t see why it would be different for my son just because he is a child. That being said, we tried to work on the attitude, he made progress, he’s still jot like a normal happy kid, but he put effort into trying to be more responsive when he is addressed. His room is another issue.
No matter how many times I try to teach him how to clean, how to build a process, or tidy as he goes. Nothing worked. He just started hiding the mess instead of throwing it away. I didn’t know, my boyfriend found it. Trash was everywhere that can be concealed. He took all the furniture out of his room and it was excessive. He blames me for enabling him even though I had no idea.
I’m so upset with my son. My boyfriend is taking it out on me. He spent the entire weekend yelling at me about the mess and how bad I am at parenting and basic just going on and on about the mess and my son’s attitude.
My son left and went with his dad to Topgolf and then to stay the night with my mother, because he didn’t want to apologize to my boyfriend, so he isn’t even here.
I tried to let my boyfriend know I wasn’t okay with the room or the attitude and I agreed with him, but nothing I said made a difference. He just kept laying into me. Then he started calling me names. He got really mean and he called me fat. I’ve gained a little weight, probably 25 pounds, which is a lot for me since I used to weigh 130. But it just triggered me so bad and I started crying and screaming and I kicked the trashcan (I was in the room alone)
I am so hurt by how I am being treated. I’m just sitting in my car because I don’t have anywhere to go at this hour, I just didn’t want to stay in the house and keep getting angrier since I got so mad I kicked the trash can. It was a little trash can. I cleaned up the mess, but my feelings are so hurt. I’m hurt by my son, and I’m upset my entire weekend that I worked so hard all week for was ruined by this situation.
ETA: paragraph breaks, context for where son went w his dad vs where he stayed the night tonight, and to add I came back home and quietly went to the guest room. Bf was in bed as far as I could tell, I didn’t bother to check.