I found one single text from my husband to my sister and it read ”you didn’t tell her did you? Please don’t say anything and let’s forget about it”
It was from about 4 years ago, before he proposed to me. I confronted my husband now, he confessed that he told her he had feelings for her and she rebuffed him. I called her and all she did was cry and apologize and say she didn’t know what to do. She never told me. She let me marry him. I have no words. I don’t know what to do.
Edit: many are asking, I helped my husband copy his old phone to his new. I apologize for the confusion
37 comments
I’m so sorry 😔 I don’t even know what to say. I can only imagine what thoughts are going through your mind right now.
Do you have kids? If not then it should be an easy decision since your marriage is still new. Either you try and work things out if things have been great or you divorce him.
I know I could never get over it if my wife said that to my brother. Vomit inducing just imagining it 🤮
How old are you guys?
I think your sister should have told once he proposed to you!
No point in her crying now.
What did your parents say about this?
It’s horrible, and I would have told my sister, but I get it. I have seen so many female friendships destroyed because a sister or best friend tried to tell a woman of her man’s infidelity, and the woman didn’t want to hear it, so she turned on the sister instead of her man. I wonder if your sister feared losing you and that’s why she kept quiet. I would talk to her more and figure out her reasons.
I’d be furious and would want out of the marriage. Children would complicate that. I could never trust either of them again. Family gatherings would be off the table and I would always feel like he wanted her more than me. I would literally ruminate on all the times the three of us were in the same room and wonder if he was staring at her or wanting her instead of me. I’d be so angry at my sister too. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I, for one, could not carry on with my marriage. Too damaged after that kind of confession.
This is the worst betrayal I can imagine, I am so sorry. You are not overreacting at all.
That’s a rough one OP. What does your husband say now? How did he react when you found the text?
As a person with sisters, I’d find it very difficult to tell them this if one of their partners did the same thing. Mostly because it could really backfire and ruin your sisterly relationship if you were to not believe her and take husband’s side.
Personally I couldn’t come back from that from either of them
That’s really tough. I’m sorry this situation happened to tge three of you. Especially involving your sister.
Can I ask, how has the marriage been? Do the hubby and sister do things, run errands or anything like that that might cause concern? Do they act weird or uncomfortable around each other? If you could erase this discovery like it never happened, how would you rate your marriage?
How did your husband react when you confronted him? What did he say was the reason to want to marry the sister of the woman he had feelings for?
OMG that’s a massive breach, so he married you as second best, your sister should have told you. She let you marry someone who didn’t love you completely, you will always feel second best.
I would be hurt . Now I would keep thinking if he still has feelings for her and he is only with me because he wants to be near her
So by marrying you he stayed in your sister’s orbit and your sister kept a life altering secret.
Two of the people that are foundational to your life betrayed you, I wouldn’t be able to stay in that marriage, my skin would crawl when he touched me.
I hope you find the help and strength you need to leave.
Your sister was in the ultimate no-win situation. Literally no matter what she did, she risked hurting her relationship with you badly. Whatever your issues with your husband, don’t take it out on her.
Maybe your sister didn’t tell you, just because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But your husband’s do not deserve you, in his life. He’s a piece of s…t, he has feelings for your sister, I’m sure he already cheated on you. He is not the kind of reserve for himself what he feels, he must be attracted to your sister physically, how can he said having feelings for her. What kind of life you think you’re going to have with him? Even when it’s hurts you know what is better for you. I’m so sorry for you.
Honestly, I don’t think you should stay together with your husband “for the kids” in order to keep your family together and to prevent your children from being reared in 2 different homes and everything else that comes along when people, but specifically people who have kids get divorced. If you stay together for that reason, you will be miserable and show your daughters that this is what a marriage is supposed to look like. It’s much healthier and so much better for them to have 2 happy parents living separately than it would be having parents who are together but unhappy.
It’s a choice that you have to make about whether or not you can eventually forgive your husband fully or not. You don’t have to do it now or even soon, but if you think that this relationship and marriage is salvageable with time and possibly marriage counseling, then you should consider staying in the relationship. But if you know that this is something that this breach of trust was just a bridge too far, and that the Rubicon has been crossed, then you should end your marriage now because there’s no reason to drag it out (unless you have a good reason to do so).
Your sister fucked up, but she was in an impossible situation. If she told you, she was not only torpedoing your relationship, she was also be sinking your wedding with the man you have been planning to marry. And she would have been the messenger. And everyone knows that you “shoot” the messenger. And you can say that you wouldn’t have done that all day long, but I’ve been the messenger for I don’t know how many family members and friends who have asked me for help only to end up being “shot” in the frickin’ face and have them not speak to me again or for a while.
She probably wanted to protect you, and I’m sure she was/is terrified of losing you. It wasn’t her place to make that decision for you. But she did act out of love, even though her actions were wrong, her motivations were probably pure and altruistic.
I hope that you will get yourself to a therapist (regardless of whether or not you stay married to him) and start working through all of this because it’s a lot. And I hope that you can eventually get to a place where you can talk to your sister about what happened and start to forgive her for her part in this fiasco.
I’m very sure, your sister being quiet, it’s only because doesn’t want to hurt you. It’s a difficult situation, it’s so easy from outside to say why she keep it quiet, she knowing how much you loved him, and telling the truth was only hurt you tremendously. Your sister loves you.
Updateme
People keep empathizing with the sister for “how hard it would have been to tell you” and “she didn’t want to risk losing you” and blah, blah, blah.
Your sister is a selfish coward and a traitor. How *dare* she stand idly by and watch you unwittingly live a lie.
I would rather my sister (or friend) never speak to me again or be devastated in the short term. I would gladly risk ruining our relationship forever if it meant her not dedicating her life to a duplicitous, lying a-hole who I *know* doesn’t love or care about her and would just as soon schtup her closest family member as brush his teeth.
If she chose to cast me aside and marry him anyway, at least she’s doing so with both eyes open. If she disbelieved me and thought me jealous, at least I warned her and had the cojones to be upfront. I could sleep good at night knowing I gave her the opportunity to save herself while she had the chance.
I would immediately seek an annulment. If I’m denied by the courts I’m filing for divorce. My “husband” would be persona non grata. All love and respect would be out the window.
I could never trust my sister or see her in the same light again. I would do my best not to take it personally and try to fully accept my sister for the weak, lily-livered, pusillanimous, phony, self-centered, solipsistic fraud that she is. Sis would get a permanent side eye from me. I’ll eventually forgive her but all trust is dead in the water.
Just another perspective… your sister minded her own business. Staying out of it is a way of respecting boundaries. This was your husband’s behavior, not hers.
If she had said something, she could have been “responsible for your breakup”. I get you feel betrayed and hindsight is 20/20, but I don’t see any scenario where she kept this secret in malice. Blowing up your sister’s relationship because of some one-off, maybe drunken, message could seen as sabotaging you. She was put in a difficult situation and probably tried to make a respectful choice.
Did y’all already have a child when he came onto your sister?
Your husband is a jerk who stringed you along and trapped you in a relationship with him for life once you had children together – on a false premises.
He is a complete scumbag.
If she had been interested when he confessed his feelings towards her, would he have dumped you to be with her?
There’s no way I’d be able to move forward with the marriage after that.
Updateme
What’s *wrong* with you people asking the OP how she found out and wondering why she was in her husband’s phone? What the hell difference does it make? Talking about “Are you insecure?” and that you need “context”. What *”context”??!*
I don’t know who’s worse, you people or the ones empathizing with the sister.
The only real dilemma in my eyes is the OP and her husband have children together. 😢💔
Do your leaving your husband now because if not then my guess is you wouldn’t of left him then
Although I don’t agree with her not telling you, I think she was put in a very difficult situation. She rejected him and avoided him. She just didn’t tell you about it. This was likely an attempt to protect your feelings and/or her relationship with you. She messed up, but she sounds like she had your best interests in mind.
Reading the comments, you seem far more angry and judgemental of her than your husband. I wonder if maybe she had reason to think this is how you’d be if she told you, and part of why she decided not to. I think her role here is forgivable. Your husbands, not so much.
I wouldn’t be super hard on your sister. Because many times people think you either would not believe (or dismiss them) or they don’t want to be the ones breaking your heart if they tell. I know my sister would’ve dismissed something like that if told, so if it were to happen (again) i simply would avoid the person and keep my distance. As for your husband…i would be considering divorce tbh.
So – does your marriage suck? Reddit-ers always seem to jump
To worst case scenarios – divorce, hate your sister. Life is what we make it – people aren’t perfect.
NOT with hindsight involved, would you have actually believed her when it happened or would you have made accusations or cut her out because you were in love with him? She shouldn’t have to risk family upset and anger when she wasn’t the one confessing feelings.
There’s a lot we don’t know from your post. For one, what do you want from all this? Why were you snooping? Did you already not trust him? Were you looking for some reason to end things? Are you wanting to resolve this and stay together?
If you want to move past all this, you need both individual and couple’s counseling. If you were already looking for a reason out, then take it. I would advise, as a divorced parent to consider how to divorce amicably for the sake of the kids. Despite my ex cheating, we have kept it amicable and it’s so much easier on the kids.
So you weren’t married when he confessed to her? Nothing came of it so what was she to tell you? How serious was their conversation? Was it fleeting or deep? I’m confused as to what you’re so wrathful about. He still loves you. He was honest. I’m thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal then but you’re making it one now. I’m guessing you made your sister cry, she didn’t just start crying. I’m sure you were mean and angry at her and not rational at all. Calm down. He hasn’t been unfaithful to you. You’re being the problem by living in the past that’s not even yours. It’s adjacent to you.
This is a hard one. With kids it’s not like you can just walk away and start fresh. How has your relationship been this whole time? Has he been a good husband, partner, lover, friend? How would you describe your relationship before finding this out?
As for your sister, I agree that she should have told you but, I also understand the absolute horrible situation she was in. If she saw you happy and it looked like he loved you then maybe she thought it was a passing thing that he regretted and got over? I don’t know.
I know that you have a lot to navigate right now and none of it will be easy. For anyone involved. Good luck, OP.
The real question is, how long had you two been together at the point he confessed to your sister?
My husband developed feelings for my younger sister and told her as well. She never told me but told our other sister. Neither 3 of them told me anything until I confronted them. I am angry at her but not because he fell in love with her, I’m angry because she felt like she couldn’t come to me. Instead they all knew and I looked like an absolute fool gushing about him to them for 3 years. We are separated and going through a long divorce.