So I have some anxiety. And since I met my gf earlier this year, it’s been worse. I had assumed it was just due to state of the world. She suggested I wear her Apple Watch to track my heart rate, and see what raises or lowers it. And unfortunately, it appears my anxiety is high when I’m with her, and only lowers when we’re apart. It’s nearly an exact match – if we’re hanging out for a day and she goes to the gym or get coffee with a friend, it lowers as soon as she’s gone and shoots right up when she texts me that she’s heading back.
After some contemplation, it makes sense. She’s quick to doubt our relationship – minor things like her spilling a drink can turn into an hours long conversation of “Do you still like me? Can you stand to be with me? Are you going to break up with me?” Even though I immediately respond to the spill with “don’t worry about it, I have paper towels and cheap furniture.” She’s a sensitive woman, and I love that about her as a sensitive person. But I’m always on edge, waiting for the next minor inconvenience to turn into a meltdown. And frankly, it can be tiring to again and again explain that it’s fine if she dies in Zelda, it’s a video game and literally doesn’t matter.
I don’t know how to move forward, or if I even should? Has anyone else run into a similar situation, and how did you come back?
39 comments
Sorry—I’ve never thought to myself to make a correlation from my watch to my relationship. Sounds like a (big) leap to me. This is anxiety. I wouldn’t say “some” either.
Heart rate can mean a lot of things. Anxiousness, being “excited” (good or bad), etc.
Seems like you are trying to tie something together but aren’t sure how or what. Don’t fall for the “easy” explanation.
Communicate with her to break down the anxious wall of doubt you seem to have.
Edit: I see ya’ll replyin’ to me. Look, both of the parties referenced in this post have (severe) anxiety. The way to reduce anxiety is to….talk. Talk to her. Listen to her. She should do the same. Everyone has their issues. Figure it out or move on with the relationship.
I know everyone on Reddit loves to play the “leave them” card, but she’s literally making you sick.
You should tell her your findings since you guys started this experiment together. Voice to her that you would like to open up to her on why you think these findings are accurate. Try to have an open conversation with her.
But if she’s not open to talking like repeating the behavior mentioned above, cut her loose. You deserve not to live in a state of constant anxiety.
It sounds like the watch has simply verified your actual experience. Her level of anxiety sounds exhausting for an even-tempered astronaut-type (astronauts are specifically selected for being insanely chill). Sounds like a really bad fit for someone with anxiety and you two aren’t what each other need. You were already experiencing that, you’ve just got the numbers now to reassure you that you weren’t making it up.
I’d say separate so you can both find partners who balance you better.
Lol and what are your actual feelings? Starting and ending relationships should not be based on what an apple watch tells you. Did you ever tell her how you feel? Maybe you should let her go, she deserves someone that will want to work on a relationship, not jump to break up because your heart rate is faster.
Another thing to add it’s impossible for the apple watch to know you are experiencing anxiety, the only thing it can measure is your heart rate. This has to be the dumbest thing I read today .
Can I be a fly on the wall when you tell her, “babe, according to the Apple Watch, YOU are causing my anxiety.”
How much of a jump is it? My last LTR was with an alcoholic and some days when I’d come home it would shoot up to 160, which is my max heart rate when I’m running. Realizing that was a huge wake up call for what the relationship was doing to my health.
Did you really need an Apple Watch to tell you that your GF’s insane behavior stresses you out?
Hell, I’m pretty chill and your description of her had me feeling a little anxious. She sounds fucking exhausting.
I guess you can show her the data but that’s just going to turn into another hours long drama fest. I’d just hand her the watch, tell her it’s been nice getting to know her but it’s not a good fit for you and be done.
She sounds exhausting. She needs professional help. Don’t sign up for a life of constant anxiety and stress. You’ll be walking on eggshells as long as you keep dating this woman.
Sounds to me more like you need therapy and maybe some anti-anxiety meds. Maybe she does too if she’s fussing all the time about the state of your relationship and wanting to be together.
I think she sounds like a lot of work to be with. Her insecurity is what is causing your anxiety because you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can care about someone but not be able to be with them. Me, I don’t like walking on eggshells.
The other persons energy can rub off on you in a relationship.
Shes constantly on edge, so of course your relationship is going to feel on edge regularly.
Being sensitive is fine… But when its on the extreme end of sensitivity where small things are life ruining moments… That’s way too much to deal with. Its going to feel like your relationship is a minefield, just waiting for the next moment.
Long term, maybe it would be better to go for someone whose naturally relaxed in life, at peace, easy to manage, enjoyable company.
Relationships are built on a foundation of emotions. If you want an easy relationship, then you need to be with someone who manages their emotions in a healthy way.
You know what to do.
My heart rate is the highest while I sleep, and lowest while I work.
I have anxiety, but am medicated.
The body is a wondrous thing.
Talk to her. Explain this pattern you’ve noticed, and tell her, using plain, neutral, and non-accusing language, that you feel stressed lately because of how frequently you guys are fighting, and discuss how you guys can resolve conflict better
Is she not familiar with “don’t cry over spilled milk”?
It sounds like SHE has anxiety or something else if she goes into a spiral of “do you still like me” for several hours after spilling some water. I know the focus of this post is on your heart rate OP but have you ever discussed her behaviours? Because if you’re constantly on edge due to HER then that needs to be addressed.
Buddy, it’s called being IN LOVE. My heart rate is always higher around my wife.
Edit: nah, second thought she sounds like a second job. Move on and be happy!
Dump her. You have proof that she is causing you major stress. Give her back the watch and buy one of your own.
You don’t have to have a reason to break up with her other than you want to or need to for your own health.
I have someone who causes me a lot of stress but I can’t just turn my back on her, she’s my adult daughter.
I was in a similar relationship. She had boat loads of self doubt and nothing I ever said or did helped with any of it. My own anxiety was at an all time high during those 4 years. Not saying you should break up over this, but if she can’t have a serious conversation with you about it and not spiral, I would be rethinking where I’d want the relationship to go. (We broke up for different reasons, not because of the anxiety)
Anxiety and excitement aren’t the same thing, and both will generally raise pulse rate.
Nevertheless …
>I’m always on edge, waiting for the next minor inconvenience to turn into a meltdown. And frankly, it can be tiring to again and again explain that it’s fine if she dies in Zelda, it’s a video game and literally doesn’t matter
Doesn’t exactly sound like a great match for you.
Your nervous systems are not coregulating which means you don’t feel safe around her. I would say this is a red flag but it’s up to you
Sensitivity =/= insecurity. Maybe she’s also sensitive, but what you’re describing is someone who is deeply insecure. That can be tough to manage as a partner.
My partner was looking at his health records and realized his blood pressure went down significantly after he dumped his ex.
You’ve been dating less than a year and being around her is stressing you out so bad that it’s making your mental health worse. Not to mention, anxiety disorders aren’t great for the heart and the stress is clearly doing things to your heart rate. Dump her.
You confirm that your anxiety is from her
You also realized how and why she gives you anxiety.
And you also said at the end that you don’t want to do this relationship.
You already know what the path forward is so just do it. Imagine how much your life will improve without major anxiety every day.
I do find it interesting that you needed a monitor to tell you it was her making you anxious, but whatever, you got there…it sounds like she is anxiously attached and insecure. I have never heard someone ask those questions constantly, and how annoying! She needs to do some inner work.
I’m not judging her, per se, apart from I’d say I used to be anxiously attached, I guess, but I never did any of that. I definitely had self worth and an inability to set boundaries, or to even know they were boundaries to set. Doing some work I see it differently now. I wouldn’t say I am all better, but I do feel better overall, not allowing crumbs.
Good lord, thats insufferable. No wonder your HR spikes, its literally telling you to run and pre-emptively increasing itself lmfao. Straight up primal instincts, son.
Depends on whether or not you both want to work through this. Part of it is her anxiousness, part of it is your reaction to it. Both have to be addressed. The easier option is obviously to break up and find someone else who isn’t as anxious, but that’s not the only option.
I saw this happened before, my neighbor had high blood pressure, took medication every day and on sos… after the divorce he even stop needing medication, his blood pressure was in normal range…
your relationship is making you physically sick… time to evaluate?
> But I’m always on edge, waiting for the next minor inconvenience to turn into a meltdown.
This isn’t what a good relationship should be. Being with a gf should be enjoyable, not anxiety-inducing to the point it raises your heart rate.
Honestly, if it’s to the point where it’s affecting your mental and physical health, it’s time to go. And honestly, all that means is that you’re not quite as compatible as you’d hoped you’d be.
I think if I were in your shoes, I don’t think I’d tell her ‘your meltdowns are giving me anxiety’. Especially since she’s aware you have anxiety, it’s ok just to say ‘I’m not in the right head space for a relationship right now’ or ‘I feel like I need to prioritize dealing with my anxiety right now’, etc.
Break up.
Have you been to see a doctor? I have anxiety and tachycardia. When I’m anxious my heart rate goes up.
What if it’s just excitement
“My heart races whenever you’re in the room” is not the insult you think it is.
Couples therapy (to start with, though it sounds like she’d benefit from individual therapy) or break up.
Its cause you’re always on edge not knowing what will set her off. Simply this relationship isnt right for you.
> “…can turn into an hours long conversation of “Do you still like me? Can you stand to be with me? Are you going to break up with me?”
I would have left the first time this bullshit happened. This is so toxic and emotionally immature and manipulative. People like this are too insecure to be in a healthy relationship, and it’s incredible that she’s 36 and still acting like this. She needs therapy, not a relationship.
Not sure if anyone has said it yet but this reminds me of that scene in The Office when Stanley has that heart-rate monitor device and every time Michael is near him, his pulse went up (as did everyone else’s who tried it on). Sounds like she also has some really bad anxiety and maybe even a hint of trauma-induced anxiety, especially regarding relationships. If you both aren’t already doing so, I think that individual therapy for each of you would be so so so helpful. For you, so you can navigate this situation with someone who is an expert in this (and just for anxiety in general), and for her so she can tackle whatever is tormenting her to the point of acting this way. It’s a blessing in disguise that you borrowed the watch! And fwiw, none of her behavior is normal or healthy. It sounds exhausting to be around. Your body is giving you all the signs you need that something isn’t right. And there is a difference between feeling empathetic towards her struggles and putting up with it. You don’t have to stay while she deals with her problems, and you possibly shouldn’t even. Follow your gut OP, you’re not overreacting!