This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
28 comments
I have a bunch of random questions today.
Ladies – How do you feel about a) male pattern bald spot and b) male nipples visible through clothing. Do you notice? Do you care?
Fellas – As a rough percentage, how many of your direct asks (eg, “will you go out with me?”) are successful, and how does that change with OLD vs. a stranger vs. someone you’ve known a while?
Uhh I think I made the mistake of continuing to message with someone before we meet (date set for next week) and now I think we’ve created a false sense of familiarity and that he’ll end up hating me by the time we meet
ETA this is a record breaking time from posting to downvote lmao
Went to the bar last night for dinner, as I often do on Thursday nights. Sat down next to a man that stares me down every time we are at the gym together. He took the opportunity to shoot his shot, which I respect. He’s not my type, but I loved the enthusiasm.
Got home and FaceTimed a man I’ve loved for 2 years now. We talked for a long time, which is normal for us. We FT usually once a week or every other week. He lives pretty far from me. I think we both knew that if we lived closer, we would be together. Last night he said it out loud and it just really hurt me more than anything. Feeling sad today.
[deleted]
I’m frustrated. I just want to befriend him (first) and then see if the crush feeling even stays (maybe once I get to know him, it’d turn out he’s a terrible person). But no, everytime I try to make a conversation with him, he’d answer the question and then would move to the other side of the room. I really don’t think that I’m that repulsive that he has to run away! (And he talks perfectly fine with everyone else, male, female, young and old)
My not-wingwoman friend is not being helpful either. She says she knows how old he is, and a bit more about this guy – but is refusing to tell me anything! She wants me to have a conversation with him – but how am I supposed to do that if he avoids conversations (with me)? Short of cornering him that is….. and she suggested that I corner him?!
I should give up hope at this stage (I’m doubting he even notices me even though I’m at his house every second week) but everytime I see him (which is every week on average, sometimes more) the crush feeling will not die down!
[deleted]
Don’t you just love when you decide to lean a little more into your feelings for someone and they take that little nugget of vulnerability and return one of their own that shows you they feel the same way?
Done some thinking this week, and truth be told I’m starting to really doubt the strength of my current relationship. It’s been six months, and for quite a long time I was content that she kept agreeing to see me and that she never took longer than a few hours to respond.
But there’s just too many signs that she isn’t THAT into me. We had the DTR talk back in July but it still doesn’t feel like a real relationship to me. After this much time together I’m increasingly doubtful we’ll “get there” either. I should’ve had this talk with her awhile back, and while I guess it’s not too late I have my doubts how effective it’ll be now.
I’m usually pretty good at being confident with what I’ve got and not letting the beauty standards on social media get to me… however we all have moments of weakness.
I was looking through someone’s “follows” list (I know…) and seeing beautiful women whose boobs are bigger than mine, or their lifestyle looks more exciting, or they’re conventionally hot, etc etc… I know I’m attractive in the conventional beauty standards and I know this person finds me attractive, but I can’t help but feel a bit of a ding on my self esteem.
They aren’t OF models and he knows some of these people IRL while others are just general social media content creators, but dang, comparison really is the thief of joy.
u/Obvious-Ad-4916 Continuing the conversation here since the other thread was locked.
If I’m being honest, I really prefer relationships with people who are more reserved and whom I end up needing to pursue because I myself am like a cat and I want to choose the lap of someone who isn’t trying too hard to chase me. Maybe that’s my nature or maybe it’s because I’ve been lovebombed in the past so I don’t trust people who seem overly excited about me. Worst case scenario, maybe I’m drawn to emotionally unavailable men because they trigger my desire to pursue them. Best case scenario I’ve found my person and he’s very quiet which is great because that’s what I need in a relationship long-term as a massive introvert who’s been single for years because I don’t like having someone up in my business all the time.
[deleted]
He texted me pretty early this morning to update me on his interview. It makes it all so much harder that as things are coming to an end, we’re being more open and he’s more proactively meeting my needs.
He’s better than I am in the sense that he’ll move on and not compare others to me and what we’ve had; I don’t know if I can help it. If you know the best thing ever is out there and you’ve experienced it, how can you settle for anything else?
my friend started dating someone this summer and has been super excited about her and over lunch he was telling me about how they are planning an adorable fall weekend cabin trip together. then I came back to my office at work and cried because I can’t see that ever happening for me and I don’t understand why
Going to a small literary festival event and a burlesque workshop right after. Stoked for myself but also the 90s-romcom afflicted part of me is secretly hoping I’ll run into someone else who’s at both. Please, universe. It would be so cute!
This ever happen to anyone else? You’re swiping away on the app and then you hit a profile that, in a good way, just makes you stop. Whether or not you have a type that first picture you’re just sitting there staring like an idiot for 10 seconds but you brace yourself because you know **something** will be off? But you scroll and scroll down and they’re, at least what you can see, exactly what you’d hope to fine until…
Happened to me today and, being Bumble, it wasn’t until the very end that I see they live 400km from me and are just visiting. Swipe right, will not happen, oh well.
Also, for the guys (and curious on the women) since I’ve spoken about this with some friends, do you also get the very unhealthy though of “whatever you want just tell me I’ll make it happen” all from a damn photo/profile? Yeah, not a pleasant thought.
If texting was every 1-4 hours suddenly goes to 12 hours with no response, is it basically over?
I have a question about libido.
My boyfriend lives with me and we are approaching one year anniversary. My libido has just been pretty low – around the time since he moved in. Work has been a lot, every minute of my time seems to be devoted to friends, work, or him — I get alone time too, but I just strive to work out or sleep.
I’m happy. He’s a great partner. He helps me out at the apartment with pretty much all the cleaning chores.
But my libido has just crashed. I’m not even interested — even when I’m by myself. It’s been about 4 months now…
I’m 35F – is this normal? He’s very understanding and doesn’t pressure me at all, but I feel so sad about it.
So I am not doing well on my Reddit break (obviously) but since I’ve been reading on my phone, I figure I might as well post.
I gave the latest guy another chance to improve his bedroom performance and I saw some improvement, but it’s still not really what I’m looking for. & we had a different issue with the condom. He didn’t detach carefully so it slipped off. Am I wrong to feel like guys should know this/be on top of this? The last person I dated had a, erm, similar anatomy in just about every way these things can be measured, and he never had an issue, so I don’t think that can be blamed. Surely a man in his 30s is aware of these things?
I will probably go for one more round to see if there’s more improvement, but, if not, I think I’ll call it. He is a decent guy and actually makes efforts to check in, make plans, see me, etc., so that is too bad, but our energy is just not a great match. I want someone with a calmer energy. I have accepted that the calmer types will be less active in plan making, but, in theory I can find one who is still into me.
I do think, after this, I’m going to take some time off dating, officially. I deleted Bumble. Still need to delete Hinge. I’ve basically spent my entire adult life with a man or in pursuit of finding a new man (even if just for casual stuff) and I feel like I need to spend more time seeing who I am without that pursuit. Do I even know? What a weird question… (Ironically, while I work on a memoir about life and dating after divorce… not that I plan to publish it. It’s more a personal project).
Another single weekend approaching.
Women of DOT, is “marrying up” important to you? I mean financially, specifically.
Finally deleted Hinge. I have been actively dating for two years now. This year, I decided to only give the talking a chance if I can really see the person as a potential partner because I wasted a lot of time in 2024. I did not find anyone who I was excited about until today. He gave a very thoughtful message and like on Hinge. He was exactly what I was looking for in every way except seemingly very extroverted. Well, I asked two questions back, one based on his message and another based on his profile and he just unmatched me. Then, I just felt bad. Combine that with two situationshippy guys from the past appearing on bumble in the past two days, I just felt shitty and ended up crying a little. I know it’s not this stranger from Hinge that caused this breakdown. This year was hard. My career is horrible and I have not been able to get a new job and I have been trying since January. Too many rejections in love life and career. It is like unlike all my friends, I have nothing going for me. My friends are either in a great career space or in an amazing relationship or both and here I am.
I’ve gone out with this guy (42M) twice this week. We matched on Hinge a couple weeks ago and met for the first time Monday. It went well and our schedules lined up for yesterday so we had another fun date with karaoke and drinks. I had him over last night but told him I wasn’t necessarily going to have sex and he was fine with that. We made out a lot and got pretty hot n heavy but he respectfully took off not long after. The physical chemistry was really nice which is kind of rare for me.
He wants to hang again tomorrow and I’m excited to keep seeing him but it’s moving really fast and I am not really ready to have sex with him yet. I don’t need to wait until we’re “exclusive” or in some big relationship, but we literally just met and I’m not feeling connected to him enough yet to want to get that intimate. Physically I do, I find him very attractive, but I don’t want to rush into physicality. I guess I just have to tell him that right? Lol. It’s hard to articulate this stuff because I don’t want to put some timeline on it, I’ll probably be ready for sex fairly soon, but want to give it a few more dates and get to know each other a bit more I guess.
I’ve mentioned to him on our first date I consider myself demisexual which he understood and was receptive to, so maybe I just need to lean into that a bit. It’s just hard to set expectations correctly I guess? I worry I’m being a “tease” or something, or that if I don’t have sex right away he’s going to lose interest. Any thoughts?
Since most of my boardgame/cooking night friends are notorious for planning things way in advance, I’ve already invited them out for dinner for my birthday that’s in about 3 months. That includes -her-.
She responded excitedly to my invite, but said my venue suggestion wasn’t gonna work for her. Apparently the place I wanted to take the group to has live music on the weekends and she can’t take that much sound because of her ear condition.
No biggie. I want just a fun night out with my friends, so I don’t really care about the exact place where that happens. So I told her it wasn’t a problem at all to switch to a place more quiet and if there were other suggestions, I’d welcome them.
She said it’s sweet of me to change my plans and she suggested some places she’d like. Then she highlighted one she thinks I’d like in particular, and gave a pretty detailed explanation on why I’d definitely like it. She’s not wrong, it caters exactly to my tastes and interests.
Somehow, that interaction just stirred something inside of me that I thought I had moved on from. I need to sit with this for a bit.
Men: if you like a girl, but she’s giving off non-romantic (more friend) vibes, do you continue to pursue it? Or do you assume she isn’t into you? I think I keep giving off this neutral stance even with guys I really like. I just have a little bit of anxiety and am analytical so sometimes my brain needs a bit to catch up.
My more recent ex told me I didn’t seem like I liked him on our first date (the opposite was true, I was so into him I got quiet and nervous). I am just looking for feedback – I am also working with a therapist on this, but I’d like perspectives. I know for some guys it can be a gentle let down for other reasons – I don’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea. It could be attraction, too, I am not discounting that. And even though I know there’s more to attraction than this, everyone I’ve dated said my pictures look like I do in real life. They’re all within six months and no filters and 2-3 body from head to toes. Some without makeup, too.
ETA: actually as I was going through this, the ones who seem to say it were more extroverted. Whenever I date an introvert, I don’t get this feedback. Interesting.
I’ve been ruminating so much over my ex this past week. In the exact ways I was when we first broke up, which was about 4 months ago.
I’ve unfollowed him on IG but I’ve checked his page a couple of times. He’s wiped his account but uploaded two new pics and he’s just so gorgeous
I keep hoping I’ll see him on Hinge so I know he’s ready to date again and I can reach out.
I’ve never been like this with an ex, I’ve always been so good at not trying to check in. There’s something so incredibly special about him and such a softness to him that I’ve never known in anyone else.
I’m struggling to know who to go to when I need emotional support. It feels too embarrassing at this point to keep literally crying about how single I am to friends who have long partnered, gotten engaged etc. and don’t know how to help me. Stopped trying to talk to therapists about dating because it was so unhelpful. Literally just end up pulling my myself through it each day, no clue how to have a support system
[deleted]
Just got called “That cute one over there” in an improv scene at a jam and not in a “compliment your scene partner” way but more of a “drop the filter” way because I wasn’t even in the scene. Not the first time either.
It ain’t much but I will take “comedy handsome”, sure.