I'm posting here because I'm feeling incredibly lost and need some outside perspective on a major crisis in my 8-year relationship. We own a house together and have two dogs, so our lives are very intertwined.
My girlfriend has completely lost trust in me, and I know I'm primarily to blame. Growing up, she never learned to set boundaries. In our relationship, I consistently overstepped them. My needs often came before hers, and she ended up doing more to accommodate me than I did for her. We were in a dynamic neither of us was consciously aware of for years. I can be quite self-centered, and I think I took advantage of the space I was given.
Over the past few months, she has been learning to voice her boundaries, and this is where the new difficulties have arisen.
She is now setting her boundaries firmly, which I sometimes struggle with. I'm actively trying to adapt and she acknowledges that I'm putting in the effort and seeing some improvement. However, I'm not perfect, and I know this takes time. A smaller part of me feels she might be going a little too far with putting herself first, but she strongly disagrees with that perspective.
The real heart of the issue is that while she sees my effort, the trust is gone after years of "empty words." A perfect example: I encourage her to voice her needs, but when she actually does, I sometimes react by shutting down or getting irritated.
I know I shouldn't do this, and I'm genuinely trying to catch myself. I see progress, but it's taking a massive toll on me. The reason it's so draining is that we're currently fighting about 5 times a week, plus having countless intense discussions about her needs. I'm exhausted. After a full workday and physical therapy for an injury, I simply don't have the emotional energy to rehash everything every single day. It's too much.
I believe the road to rebuilding her trust is long, and when I remember how happy we used to be, I desperately want to try to get back there. But right now, there is so little love, understanding, or simple fun. For a while now, I've felt like our connection is gone.
On top of this, we have other issues:
-Our energy levels are completely mismatched now, affecting how we interact.
-We have virtually no sex life. I've never had a huge drive, but with all the tension between us, I have no desire for intimacy at all. I miss the connection, I'm constantly bracing myself for the next argument or critical comment (which can come from either side), and during some fights, I've even had brief, genuine feelings of hatred.
I'm so conflicted. We have history, a home, and a life built together. Can we possibly come back from this, or is this too much to fix? Has anyone been in a similar situation where the trust was entirely broken, and the relationship felt like a battleground?
Any advice on where to focus our energy—or if it's time to let go—would be appreciated.
TL;DR: Trust of girlfriend is gone, next to some other problems we have. Can we come back from this?