I (18F) have been with my boyfriend (17M) for almost a full year. We met online and have met once, but most of our relationship has been online. I do love him, and I care about him a lot. He’s a good person and he really depends on me emotionally.
But lately, I’ve been struggling. Sometimes he grosses me out, and when I think about marriage or the future, I don’t feel excited, I feel uncertain, even repelled. At the same time, I feel guilty because I don’t want to hurt him or “destroy his life". He was very suicidal before I met him and he always talks about how I'm the only person in his life that makes sense, which also makes me scared to end things as I'm afraid he will hurt himself. He’s already talked about wanting to marry me one day, and that made me feel even more conflicted.
I actually tried to break up with him once before, but I immediately felt guilty, begged him to come back, and we got back together. Now I feel stuck between not wanting to hurt him and not wanting to lie to myself about my true feelings.
I don’t know if I should try to stick it out, or if it’s kinder to end it even though he depends on me so much. I feel like a terrible person for even having these thoughts.
Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you know when it’s time to leave a relationship, even if you love and care about the person? And how do you handle the guilt without running back?
TL;DR: I love and care about my boyfriend, but I don’t know if I see a future with him. Sometimes I feel grossed out, but I feel guilty because he depends on me. I tried to break up once but begged him back out of guilt. How do I know if it’s time to leave, and how do I handle the guilt if I do?