Hi everyone, I’m looking for advice because I feel stuck in a pattern I (26M)really don’t like. (We have been together for 2 years)
It all started when my partner (24M) and I bought a car a while back. One day we were at the grocery store, and while checking out I was asking him a few questions. He got anxious, yelled at me to “just stop,” and it shocked me. Up until that moment, we had arguments but never yelled at each other.
In the car, I asked what happened, and he explained he gets anxious when he’s trying to do tasks quickly (like loading groceries) and my questions made him feel rushed. He was trying to drive and calm himself down, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how rude it felt.
That moment changed something for me. It felt like a barrier broke — before that, we never yelled, but now yelling felt “allowed.” Instead of yelling back though, I just shut down. Ever since then, anytime we argue or he raises his voice, I go completely silent. Sometimes I won’t talk to him for two days.
To his credit, he worked with his therapist to stop yelling at me, and he really doesn’t yell anymore. But the pattern is still inside me. Whenever something even small upsets me, I retreat into silence.
For example, two days ago he was putting a screen protector on my phone and accidentally left bubbles under it. I got frustrated, and just like that — boom — I went into silent mode again. I know it’s such a tiny thing, and I want to talk to him, but I just can’t.
He finds this emotionally draining (which I understand), and I hate doing this to him. I want to break this cycle.
A little background: I grew up in a country that wasn’t very LGBTQ-friendly. I was bullied a lot for being feminine, teased constantly, even by teachers. My parents would scold me for being “too feminine.” I learned that staying quiet was the safest option — if I didn’t talk, maybe no one would notice me or bully me. I think that coping mechanism is still inside me, even though now I’m in a safe and loving relationship.
I’m in therapy and my therapist tells me to meditate when I feel myself starting to go silent. I’ve tried, but it doesn’t always work.
Has anyone gone through this? How do you break out of the silent treatment habit when you feel triggered? How do you talk even when every fiber of you just wants to stay quiet?
TL;DR:
My partner yelled at me once during a stressful situation, and ever since then I shut down and go silent after arguments — sometimes for days. Even small triggers put me into silent mode. I hate this pattern and want to learn how to break out of it and communicate instead. Therapy and meditation haven’t been enough — looking for advice.
Any advice would be appreciated.