I (20F) had a spontaneous threesome with my partner (19M), and our friend (21M). My partner feels conflicted about our relationship now. Will we be okay after this?

Throwaway account because I don’t want my partner or anyone I know seeing this. I don’t know if anyone will even read this but prepare yourself for a looonggg ride Lol

First off, for context, my partner and I are non-binary. I am a female at birth and my partner, who I will refer here as P and as they/them, is male at birth. Our friend, who is male, I will refer to as F.

We’ve all become friends about 3-4 years ago in a friend group before P and I started dating. Which we’ve been together about 2.5 years. All of the events I will talk about will be during the duration of P and I’s relationship from 2.5 years ago to now. So I will try the best of my ability to remember the details of these timeline of events. The friend group has fallen off but we’ve stayed friends with F, not as close as before, but close enough to where we still hang out and call each other good friends.

There was a period of time in my relationship with P where they were comfortable enough to explore more of their sexuality using toys and whatnot. This led to P proposing the idea of cuckolding so that they can try real male genitalia (and because they were into the degradation aspect of it) while still being with me. And I would be allowed to fuck other people too. I was initially against it because of how an ex had reacted when I brought an idea like that up, so I learned a prejudiced view of anything related to polyamory in serious relationships. This initially caused me insecurity about my partner’s sexual orientation or preference in genitalia.

A couple months later after thought, I felt open to the idea because P and I expected a long-term relationship with marriage, kids, etc. We had a future planned together. So I felt emotionally secure enough that I would be okay with opening the relationship. Not only that, but I didn’t want to hold P back on experimenting with their sexuality. But when I brought it up again, P was adamant that they didn’t want to do it anymore. P claimed that they were just in a bad headspace and didn’t want to risk ruining the relationship. We ended up settling on the idea that anything outside a monogamous relationship could get too complex, cause issues with jealousy, and that we only needed each other and sex toys to fulfill those kinds of needs.

While we did have the toys to play with, we’ve mostly had vanilla sex with some mild BDSM activity. I didn’t find myself enjoying strapping very much, along with the deal with the hygiene and prepping aspect of anal. This made me feel inadequate in my sexual performance and that I’m not fulfilling P’s sexual needs. I thought that P would want a masculine or dominant figure in bed at times, which I am pretty feminine and prefer a submissive role. We’ve communicated about the topic though, and P has assured me that I was all they needed and loved being the dominant one in bed.

I don’t remember if these next events were before or after our agreement of keeping the relationship closed, but I know that it was still around during the time that P was exploring their sexuality.
P, F, and I were at a different friend’s house, let’s call this other friend (I don’t know his age, but a male) O. I slept early on the couch while the other three were in O’s room. I had woken up about an hour or two? wondering why P wasn’t with me on the couch yet and walked to the bedroom. O was at his desk gaming while P (high) and F (drunk) were cuddling on his bed. This didn’t cause me any alarm because P and I were close friends with F and I think cuddling amongst close friends is fine.
A few days later, P told me that during that night when the two were cuddling, F whispered to them something along the lines of, “Do you wanna do something?” Which P replied, “What do you mean?” This made me question F’s intentions with P as well as if P had an attraction to F, so I confronted them about that event. P claimed that they had no attraction towards F. F admitted that he did drunkenly say that to P, but remembered that P is my partner and wanted to respect our relationship. So when P had asked him, “What do you mean?” F apparently replied, “Nevermind.” I trusted their word and let go of the issue.

Another event that my best friend just reminded me of today that was a blur to me had also occurred about a year ago. I won’t explain too much of the details because I was not there. Apparently my partner was in a car with some of our friends, amongst them being my best friend, F, and O. They were again, high, but from a different substance. My best friend told me that P made sexual comments toward O, also mentioning his dick. This was not okay with me, and I trust that my best friend would not have made up this story. When I confronted P about this they claimed that they didn’t remember saying that, no matter how many times I asked. Again, I let it slide and told P not to do it again, which they haven’t since, to my knowledge.

Now, to jump to recent events. Whew that was a lot. But anyway, I’ve always admired F, how he’s influenced my views in life, and how charismatic he was. Within the past of couple of months I have found an attraction to F, which P and I agree that being attracted to other humans is completely normal. I’ve had fantasies, thoughts and all that about him. But I never flirted, never made a move, never made any hints. I always acted how I always was toward him, only being affectionate in platonic ways like hugging or expressing that I care. But when I think of when P and I spoke of opening the relationship I fantasized of doing it with F. Before you say anything…yes, I know that threesomes/cuckolding should usually be with strangers and not anyone you have a personal relationship with. But I felt that he was the right person because he was sexually active with no romantic partner, keeps things FWB with no strings attached, wouldn’t peep a word, and well, to be honest to you, I was simply sexually attracted to him.

Now, what happened this past weekend cannot be undone. F came over to our place and ended up staying the night since we all drank, which wasn’t anything unusual. F has come over and slept at our place whether it be on the floor of our bedroom or on our bed plenty of times before. The three of us laid in my queen-sized bed snug as a bug with P in the middle watching anime. I noticed P had a boner but didn’t say anything. But we went to sleep and my eyes were shut for not even 3 minutes before I could hear the two kissing and making shuffling sounds with the covers. Then I heard F whisper something to P before they stopped kissing and in that instant, I asked what they were whispering which F replied, “Nothing.” I had my arm over P so I began caressing F and from there is when things escalated. I was pretty excited about everything and enjoyed the experience but later on, F offered to penetrate us and ended up just doing me because no one had condoms for P. We made sure that P was okay with me getting fucked but I sensed that they were uncomfortable with it when they hesitated in agreeing, but I still let it happen. It was very uncomfortable for me, probably because it was my first time having sex with a non-partner and F is fairly large, and in the end, P lost their boner.

After this, the whole night, P didn’t allow me to touch them and was pretty upset. The morning after, they wanted to break up and said that they’ll never see me the same again. P was saying a lot of hurtful shit like, “I don’t love you anymore.” I was pretty baffled because they’ve mentioned previously that even if I cheated on them, they could never break up with me. But I guess people just say things and always have to take it as a grain of salt. It honestly felt like the end of my life (I know it won’t, I’m 20 and life goes on) and my heart shattered into pieces. When F woke up, he didn’t want P to end things with me and felt bad about everything. He also called P out on their hurtful words, saying they’re “lying to themself,” which I appreciated. I gave P some alone time and separated myself into the living room to wallow in my own tears and distract myself from the pain.

Eventually P came out and expressed how hurt they feel and gave me an ultimatum. It was to break up or let them fuck a girl to “make it fair.” I agreed to letting them fuck a girl but I think that shit is stupid because it just sounds like revenge. How is that going to undo what happened or make them forget what happened? I’ve apologized profusely and have since tried my best to reassure P that I love them and that they, too, satisfy me in sex, more than anyone else could.
It seemed that P’s mood improved and suggested that we go cuddle with F again, which I was like okay? And confused about where we stand with the whole situation. We all cuddled again with F in the middle. P, who is no longer drunk from the previous night, only hungover, started to touch F again, then give him oral. I didn’t join in until shortly after. Then again, things escalated and F asked to fuck me. I didn’t say anything but just looked at P and they said yes. This time was better than the last night, it felt good for me and the other two were able to finish.

Now, F stayed most the day with us but stayed the night at another friend’s place. I stayed home alone to rest from barely sleeping from the night before. Around early this morning I get a series of texts from P, “I don’t love you anymore,” “It’s all gone,” “I’ll never forgive you,” “I don’t consider you mine anymore,” etc. of course, this freaks me out and after a few hours of sobbing I just went to pick them up from their friend’s house.
After coming home this morning, giving P attention/affection, and a few rounds of sex that made me feel wanted but used…We came to the agreement of P fucking another girl to “make things fair” again. P is afraid of how it’ll be like for us in the future and is still pretty hurt. I asked why they allowed F to penetrate me again and they said something along the lines of, “It was hot and at that point I didn’t care.”
So all day today, P has been depressed and feels that they’ve gone into another depression. I’ve been providing P with affection and assurance, and sex when they ask me to.
Also, I did call P out on their double-standards. That they were fine with being penetrated but wasn’t okay for me to be. As well that P and F made the first move on one another, doesn’t matter if F started it because P reciprocated. P’s excuse was that they were drunk and that being penetrated is incomparable to kissing and oral sex.
Im already pretty sad myself and just focused on improving P’s mood, so if anyone says anything judgemental or rude, I don’t appreciate you.
I am hoping we can make it out of this conflict but maybe things will never be the same. What do you think? Sometimes I feel maybe I’m too harsh on myself. Maybe because I have been neglectful in my relationship and it led to my partner reciprocating the kiss? I don’t think I’m at fault but maybe I should’ve said no when F asked to fuck me both times.

No TDLR because it’s just too much lore and I’m done typing