TL;DR: Husband has gotten drunk, stayed out all night, insulted me in front of our kid, and I just found months of sexting with other women. He says he’ll cut friends off, get therapy, and change, and I don’t know if staying is a huge mistake.
I’m 27F and my husband is 28M. We’ve been together five years and have a young child. The last two years have been stressful because of outside circumstances, but overall we’ve been managing.
He used to be close with a friend group he’s known for years, but he distanced himself because of different values. He still met three of them once or twice a month. I was fine with that.
Over the past year, he started going out, getting drunk, ignoring my calls, staying out way longer than agreed, and overspending. It happened around ten times. We’d argue, he’d apologize, and then it would happen again. Since we have a kid, only one of us can go out at a time, and if I did what he did, it would be a huge fight.
This Friday he said he’d meet a friend for lunch and come home for dinner. My friends were supposed to join us but canceled. When I asked when he was coming home, he said he was already at another restaurant and was “having a great evening.” He ignored my question repeatedly. I’d been alone with our toddler all day and we had plans.
He was clearly drunk. I told him to stop spending because he was over his limit (we share an account). He ignored that too. I said I’d come there with our kid, he told me I was “ruining his evening” and acting crazy. Then he mentioned that other guys from that friend group were there, including one he supposedly cut out, and one of them had his girlfriend with him.
I drove there. He got into the car very drunk, sat on our groceries, and started insulting me in front of our child. At the parking lot he yelled at me to f*** off, called me a stupid b***h, and said marrying me was a mistake. At home he put the groceries away and left again after more insults. I told him if he left, he could sleep elsewhere.
Later I got notifications that his scooter rental app kept charging money. He ignored my calls, so I contacted one of his friends to tell him to handle it. I froze his card and blocked his access to the banking app. He then proceeded to bar hopping.
At some point I messaged him that he had one chance to come home and talk. He came, but instead of apologizing, said he didn’t remember yelling at me and then repeated the same insults. I went home without him. I eventually let him in because I was more scared of him being out drunk with no money than him sleeping on the couch.
I couldn’t sleep and checked his phone. I know it’s not ideal, but something felt off. I found months of sexting with other women and group chats where he and his friends discussed it like it was normal. It had been going on for about three months. I took screenshots and deleted them from his phone.
In the morning, I told him I knew everything. He tried to act confused. We ended up talking (and arguing) for hours. At first he justified it by saying lots of men do that, but then he broke down and admitted it was messed up. He said stress changed him, he needs help, and he hates what he did. He also claims he doesn’t remember the things he yelled at me while drunk, which honestly scares me because it seems like a real drinking problem.
He took the blame and said he’ll get therapy, cut off these friends for good, and fix himself and our relationship. He swore it won’t happen again. I didn’t break up immediately because if I did there would be no going back and I am not ready for that.
It’s only been two days. Sometimes I feel numb and then it hits me again like a wave. I don’t know what the right move is.
What I need advice on:
Is it even possible to rebuild trust after something like this? Has anyone stayed and actually healed or am I setting myself up for more pain by not leaving now?