I think owe him some kind of explanation of why I suddenly stopped replying to his messages two months ago, but I'm unsure how to go about it.
Context: I had a good childhood. Both my parents loved me. Their relationship was rocky and my father had a drinking problem, but they always did their best to shelter me and my sister from their issues. Sometimes my mother would kick him out, this could last a few days, a week, even months. They split up when i was 12 which was a relief because the arguing finally stopped. However, my father started slowly disappearing from my life. At first I would spend a week at his apartment and a week at home, but then he lost his job and apartment. From then on, I only saw him because my mother forced him to pick us up and drop us off at school. Mornings were usually quiet, and I always got the feeling he didn't want to be there at all. Still he cared. He was the one to take me to doctor's appointments, and he was very involved in my school. He never paid child support but he kept paying for the house we were living in.
At 15 I found out the reason my parents had split up, is my dad had a secret second family. I was extremely disappointed, but I could not say anything to him. When he told me I was silent and left the room. I could not find the words. I have always struggled expressing my feelings.
At 16, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. When she was dying, my father started saying he wanted to come live with me and my sister again. When my mother found out she was furious. She was weak and bedbound, but she asked for help sitting up and raised her voice for the last time ever, going on a whole tirade about how my father is irresponsible, a drunk and not fit to be a parent. She believed if he moved into the house again, he would bring his second family with him. She told us we didn't need him, and I believed her. My father was very hurt when we told him no, and pulled away even more. Before my mother passed, she transferred the house ownership to my sister and I.
Things were ok for a while, then it all started going downhill as my mental health got worse. I had secretly been struggling with depression and self harm since I was 12. At 17, I cut too deep and had to call my dad to take me to the ER. They told me I needed therapy, and I was happy at the prospect of finally getting help. But then my dad started asking if i really needed it, saying it was expensive, saying I should just stop. He convinced me and I didn't get help. At 19, I developed an eating disorder that took over my life. I destroyed my relationship with my sister, and dropped out of university. Then I proceeded to rot at home for four years. My sister left the country, and when it was just me in the house, my father decided to stop paying for it, so I had to rent the house and find somewhere else to live. My great aunt had recently had a stroke and needed a caretaker, so I moved in with her to assist her. At this point I was in very poor health and doctors were saying I could die any time. When my family found out they begged me to go inpatient, and for them, I accepted.
When I was hospitalized, my dad showed up again. He visited every day. He brought me a cupcake with a candle on my birthday and sang me happy birthday as they took it away (they weren't allowed to bring me food). He told me I could go live with him and his family. That he would pay for my hospitalization and treatment. I was happy. I missed him and I longed for a real home. So I went. But I felt like an intruder in their home, even though I paid rent. I don't think his fiancé liked me very much, and I struggled to connect with my brother. My dad and her started having couple's issues, and I'm pretty sure they both blamed me on some level. My father stopped paying for my treatment and started drinking heavily again. After a year, his fiancé kicked both of us out.
For a few months, we stayed in a little apartment not far from their house. My dad kept drinking and having emotional outbursts, complaining about his lack of money, saying my childhood home should be his and not mine, telling me I wasn't trying hard enough in recovery. He started insisting I pay for the hospital debt with my mother's insurance money, because I'm old now and I put myself there. I paid for half of it out of guilt. Then one day he told me he couldn't keep paying rent, that he was going back home to his son and fiancé and that I had to find somewhere else to live. I was very hurt, but I never said anything.
I moved in with my grandparents in march, and started university again. My dad would text me once or twice a month, saying he missed me. I would tell him about my life and send him pictures of my projects. No one in my family understood why I kept contact with him. I didn't either. I love him, but I started getting really tired of hearing how much he misses me and loves me. He also kept asking me for money to pay the hospital bill, and I started getting really angry (I'm not even sure if I have the right to be). One day I just stopped responding. I was fed up, I didn't want him on my mind anymore.
It's been a month since he gave up and stopped trying to reach me. Today, I finally worked up the courage to listen to all his voicemails. He sounds very sad in all of them. I feel guilty, like a bad daughter. I think I should probably say something, but where the hell do I even begin. I don't even know if I want him in my life at all.
TL;DR: My father has disappointed me a lot throughout my life and I've never communicated my discontent to him, two months ago I got fed up and ghosted him. I feel like I owe him some sort of explanation as to why but I don't even know where to begin, and I'm not really sure if I want a relationship with him.