To preface, I know I was stupid. I don’t need to be belittled for it so if you don’t have any kind words, please keep scrolling! I don’t even know if I want advice, or just to vent. I guess I just needed to scream into the void lol. Also, this will be slightly long, I will condense as best as I can.
So I had a friend from college, we met back in 2014 and were so close. He was genuinely a friend, I never saw him as anything more than my right hand. He moved away some years ago and started a new life, got married and has a kid. Then, he got divorced and legally can’t leave his home state until his kid is 18 due to their custody agreement. Just saying this for the background of the story.
So, we had a group get together with the whole gang from college, and that night it ended with him and I making out. He just came back for a wedding and we spent the weekend together after the wedding was over. It was so fun, he’s amazing and I never realized exactly how sweet, funny, and charming he is. He literally makes me feel like I’m walking on a cloud, he makes me want to do things I never wanted to do for a man. But, he can’t commit. He was so messed up after his divorce that he cannot see hisself committing to another person, and I’m glad he told me. And the weekend was still amazing, but now I just feel….empty I guess? No man has ever treated me the way he does and we weren’t even truly dating. We stayed up practically all night both nights we were together and I really didn’t want it to end. But he’s going back today, and I won’t be able to see him for a while.
I’m gonna miss having someone to hold, someone to wake up to. I’ve never had that, it made me imagine coming home to him at night and I just don’t know if I’ll find that again. I’ve never had anyone as kind as him ever. EVER. And I’m so mad at myself. Every man I’ve ever been with has had an issue committing to me. And I know in this case, I can’t blame him. I can only blame myself.
When will it be my turn? I’m almost 30, never been on a real date, never been in a relationship. There’s something deeply, deeply wrong with me. Cross your fingers and hope I can figure it out one day, I need all the good luck I can get.