Just wanting to know if I’m being irrational in being upset and how you would proceed in this situation.
Backstory: My 31F and husband 31M have been married for nearly 10 years and just had our fourth child. We always said we would have 3 maybe for 4 kids max so we are definitely finished have children.
My last 2 kids were c-sections so my body has been through a lot. We decided once we finished having kids he would get a vasectomy because in his words I will have “done enough”. Which I appreciate as I feel like if I’m on hormonal contraception – I’m not really myself (Just overall not more emotional and unhappy).
When my husband went to book his vasectomy he then said he was worried it is so final – which I replied good we don’t want anymore kids! Turns out he is concerned about what would happen if I died young and he was to remarry and possibly wanting more kids with that person.
I’m 2 weeks postpartum so maybe I’m extra emotional at the moment but I got extremely upset by hearing this. We don’t want more kids we’d agreed on this for at least the last 4 years this would be what we’d do and now I feel like he’s prioritising some unlikely hypothetical over our current marriage and what’s best for it. It also hurts to hear his plans to replace me and just possibly make a new family in general
He’s said he thinks he will still do it because he loves me and he knows I want this but I’m still hurt by all this and now also worried he’ll resent me over a hypothetical.
I obviously still want him to get the vasectomy as it’s what we had discussed would be best for us as a couple but I also don’t want to pressure him into a medical procedure.
I don’t know how to navigate this moving forward. Not sure if I’m overreacting but I just feel sad.
*Also I’m not sick in anyway and am not more likely than anyone else to get sick (obviously we don’t know the future but it’s not something we are expecting to happen)
43 comments
Why is he worried about a hypothetical family when your family of six is right there. They store semen on file afterwards so if you want more kids, you can. Why is he so caught up, that you will die and he has to procreate with his new hypothetical wife, instead of worrying about the four he has here and now.
Why is his ability to make more more important than the family he has here And now
Ask him where he came up with this concern and why is it on his mind now. Watch closely his reaction. So sorry.
If you die, he’s gonna be pretty fucking busy raising his current 4 kids alone… or is he assuming they die with you in this hypothetical situation?
His body, his choice at the end of the day. But also your body, your choice to abstain from sex in order to avoid pregnancy.
Tell him you hope he doesn’t mind having a dead bedroom, because there will be no sex until he gets the snip.
Your husband has about a month to change his mind about the vasectomy, then he has to decide what’s more important to him, keeping his word and therefore your trust, or not. Because that’s what it boils down to, you’ve risked your body four times, it’s changed forever and he’s not willing to have a procedure that takes 15 minutes? Wow! You are not being irrational and your husband isn’t being fair, even with condoms there is a chance for pregnancy to occur, same with oral contraceptives for you. Given the recovery time and expense of you having your tubes tied or a hysterectomy, a vasectomy is the safest and most viable option available, it’s that or abstinence for the rest of your marriage.
NO MORE SEX.
he wants to prioritize the needs of his imaginary future girlfriend over what you and your 4 kids need and want?
so let him. abstinence is birth control as well. you should make good use of it.
We all know it’s ultimately his body his choice. However, I’m a little weirded out that he’s *this* hung up on the specific hypothetical of you dying. In the olden days it literally used to be a crime to *”imagine* the Monarch’s death” and that’s because if you talk about it, that might mean you’re *planning* the monarch’s death. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, of course – but he seems to be *imagining* your death in an awful lot of detail, and devoting a lot of his brain power to it, and that would freak anyone out just a little.
If I were you, I’d want to know *why* his brain is suddenly so stuck on this. Did he hear something recently that made him think you might die? Like a story in the news? This came from somewhere.
I think you need to be a bit more concerned that your partner and coparent is telling you that in the event of your untimely death, his priority will be finding a new partner and creating a new family instead of caring deeply about the needs of your 4 existing children navigating the difficulties of life with one parent.
Am I discounting that he is probably just a big baby, and scared to get snipped after you experience the two major abdominal surgeries? No, not at all.
**But at the root of this, it seems to be about him being deeply selfish, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that unless he is willing to change it.**
Tell him that the only family worth worrying about is the one he currently has and if he’s that worried about his hypothetical next partner and next family, he can always have his sperm frozen.
Even if the worst happened, he can get a reversal or they can harvest sperm directly for IVF. I know people who have done both.
No vasectomy, no sex. Simple. Lots of men do this for their marriage and their wife. It’s a simple procedure for the man much more invasive for a woman. Yet here we are with another man putting his ego first. This is a hill to die on.
Think about it. He would rather you take all the responsibility for birth control when it affects your body negatively rather than man up. It speaks to his commitment to you and the family as a whole.
I would insist on counseling for you both. Resentment and loss of trust go both ways. His thinking that his hypothetical situation is more important than your marriage is an eye opener to his view of woman in general and you in particular.
Only you can decide how to proceed, but you have every right to feel as you do. Trust once lost is almost impossible to find again. He is backing out of an agreement and trying to shift the decision to you.. Seek some professional help to navigate this if not together than just for you. This not easy. Good luck.
I’d be bothered by that too. So his limit is 4 kids with each woman he’s married to? Thats so weird. He either wants more kids or he doesn’t. Saying he doesn’t want more kids with you, but does with someone else is eww. Is a relationship only legit if you have kids with someone? My husband got a vasectomy after our 3rd and that scenario was brought up by the Dr. My husband told him ‘I want 3 kids total, I’m done, I’m not having any more with anyone’
My response would be: then let’s not have sex any more. Just in case I get pregnant.
I have to say it’s incredibly disrespectful to say that to your wife who just had your baby! I can’t even imagine how hurtful that must’ve been. When me and my fiancé were talking about my hypothetical death he said he will never find some else again and he will just live in a tent by the lake fishing forever. I thought it was cute and funny. Obviously I hope for him to be happy and move on in this scenario(but more I just hope I won’t die) but it would be so hurtful to hear him planning another family. You’re not overreacting, your reaction is completely valid. I hope it’s just his anxiety talking or maybe he’s not completely set on four kids and is just scared to tell you after what you’ve been through.
Your hubby doesn’t have a clue what he got himself into with raising 4 kids. Why can’t he just be satisfied with the condomless sex you two can have. I hope you have good incomes, because dealing with 4 growing kids can be both a financial challenge, plus a time management problem going forward.
Insensitive clod husband. And besides, even if it happened, he has enough kids for the world to sustain.
I’m going to be honest, I feel bad for thinking this and I want you to take it with a grain of salt, especially when you’re freshly postpartum.
He’s not thinking about you dying, he’s thinking about your relationship breaking down. In his mind he’ll have time to have a new kid if there’s still someone there taking care of the old lot.
It doesn’t mean that he thinks your relation *is* going to break down, or that he’s planning to leave, but he does see it as a potential future reality and that’s scary.
Can your husband at 31, in his career, afford 5-6 kids? That’s a lot of money. That’s a lot of university tuition and food.
Is he thinking straight?
Offering a different perspective… I’m a woman who’s had tubal ligation and one of the first questions during my consult was “what if your partner dies and you met someone new and they want biological kids?” I had no doubts whatsoever so my answer was that they’d have to find someone other than me but I do believe this, or a variation of it, is a standard question asked during consultations.
He may need to go to a therapist to work through the feelings he’s having. Based on your other comment, it sounds like the finality of it is hard for him.
My husband had a vasectomy the year we got married because we each brought a child into the marriage and decided it was best to focus on each of them and their needs in two parent households rather than add a third who lives just with us. I never want to be pregnant again. At the same time, it is closing the door on making a baby with the man I love, and that finality is hard for me, even though I chose it and know that’s the best choice for our family.
Anyways, I only tell that story because I wanted to share that that fear of finality is not an abnormal feeling to have, but saying it to your freshly post partum spouse like this is really hurtful and inconsiderate. It’s valid for this to be a struggle for him, but he needs to seek help to process that in a healthy way, and talking about his next wife is not it. Marriage is supposed to be a plan til the end game, not just for right now or hypotheticals.
If you die and he starts a new family, who’s taking care of the four motherless kids he already has? When he’s out dating and getting to know women enough to marry them, where are his children in that fantasy scenario?
Does he think he’ll find a woman who will happily be the stepmother to four grieving children, while she’s having her own kids? And the kids will be fine with that?
How involved is he in the daily childcare? Apart from everything else wrong with his plan, it’s not very realistic
Urgh this is like when my parents were talking about it (I found out many years later because my mum was so impressed my husband just agreed to do it when we were done with kids). My dad was all like “but it wouldn’t stop you getting pregnant” aka you could cheat and get pregnant. Which is idiotic because by that logic… he could cheat and get someone else pregnant. Some men are just absolute morons when it comes to this stuff.
It’s not just the hormones pp (though I’m sure that’s making it worse) I would be absolutely livid if my husband said this to me. Honestly how dare he prioritise some hypothetical future woman over his actual real life wife and kids.
If you both agree 4kids is your max….. if you died, he would still have 4kids….. so basically he is an idiot. Plus vasectomies can be reversed and sperm can be frozen.
How abhorrent
What is wrong with this man
Geez, he must earn a fair whack if he can consider having a fifth child with some hypothetical woman who is willing to take on a widower with 4 kids in tow.
Honestly, other than pointing out how cruel and thoughtless that is, I’m not sure there’s much you can do. I’d be asking him if he actually does want more kids, cos why does having a second partner come into it? He’s either done or not.
It is very selfish and weird, but it is his body his choice.
I can tell you that until he did, his body and my body would not be joining in any way.
Wtf, sounds like anxious thoughts for sure, but he could’ve tried to bring logic to them without giving them more of a voice.
How has he watched you have 2 C Sections and not even considered the finality and long term effects of childbirth? Especially if there’s any birth spacing issues.
Take your time and rest and recover. Sounds like he’s fine with being the primary parent of the children he has now if he’s thinking of more.
Sorry, is he planning on killing his children if you passed?? will he not still be a father to FOUR??
He is planning for if you die or if you get cancer. He will bail and start procreating while you raise your 4 kids and battle cancer. What a peach of a guy.
> Turns out he is concerned about what would happen if I died young and he was to remarry and possibly wanting more kids with that person.
Does he know that if you die, he still has 4 kids?.
This would be upsetting to me postpartum or not. This is a crazy line of thinking/priorities for him, and insulting to hear when you’re so fresh PP!
Either he wants to have more kids or he doesn’t. It shouldn’t matter with who. And if you died young he’d be a single Dad to 4 kids. Surely raising them should be his priority, not getting another woman pregnant?
Make it simple. Don’t have sex with him until he gets the vasectomy.
I’m guessing he doesn’t do his equal share of caring for many kids you have now. If he did, he wouldn’t be thinking of ever having more.
You’re mistake was doing this at the 2 week mark. 8 months in with our 4th and my husband booked it himself…. (Cackles).
His hypothetical is absurd. And he can always reconnect if worst case scenario happens.
What an ass!
He’s not worried about you dying. He’s listening to stupid men talk about how a vasectomy makes him less of a man. Stupid men talk down about them and goofy men listen. Then there’s the ‘what if something goes wrong and it stops working.’ But they’re never in fear of what could go wrong with a woman taking hormonal bc… go figure. Make absolutely SURE that he goes through with it. Don’t budge. Frankly after four kids I would get my tubes tied, clipped, burned, laminated and Fedex’ed but HE’D never know.
If, God forbid, you die, your husband with a vasectomy will be protected against accidentally knocking someone up. If he finds this mythical second wife, married her, and wants kids, he can go for a vasectomy reversal, or have sperm removed surgically for IVF. He has options, and he is currently valuing a hypothetical higher than he is valuing his actual partner.
He’s already got 4 kids. Would he really want more than that under any circumstance??? You dying doesn’t erase the 4 kids he already has.
Your husband sucks. He should have taken that concern to his grave.
Vasectomies are great. But they should be considered permanent.
It is his choice. But it is your choice to have sex with a fertile dick. Tell him you won’t risk more pregnancies. Condom or vascectomy.
But don’t risk more. The risk is not worth it!
“When my husband went to book his vasectomy he then said he was worried it is so final – which I replied good we don’t want anymore kids! Turns out he is concerned about what would happen if I died young and he was to remarry and possibly wanting more kids with that person.”
I divorced a husband over this, amongst other things – but this was the moment I knew it was coming. Because what the actual fuck.
So are you two a team or not? You’ve taken on the majority of the reproduction costs but he wants to keep his options open? What a fucker.
If he doesn’t want anymore kids, why would you dying change that?
“Ok. While I am deeply hurt that you place the lives of hypothetical people above mine, I will respect your choice. I expect that you will respect my decision to no longer have sex with you.”