So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We’ve been through a lot together—he’s supported me through the loss of my brother, my parents’ divorce, and my mom being sick. We’re really solid as a couple, but his family has never approved of me.
His sister (18F) used to spread rumors about me, ignore me in public, or act like she couldn’t hear me. In the beginning of our relationship, his parents and sister would hold little “conferences” with my boyfriend to share their negative opinions of me. Thankfully, he set a boundary that he doesn’t want their opinions interfering in his relationship.
From what I’ve seen, his family is controlling and borderline abusive—lots of yelling, slapping, and even kicking their kids out of the house. I’ve distanced myself, but I still occasionally go to family dinners, where I’ll get a fake smile to my face and sometimes passive comments behind my back.
Meanwhile, the rest of his extended family and friends who have met me have no problem with me. I’m a full-time premed student, part-time worker, and student athlete, but his parents constantly question whether I’m “good enough” for their son.
Recently, his grandparents visited from Europe, and my boyfriend overheard them talking about me for almost an hour. They called me manipulative, not good enough, that I’ve made him lazy, depressed, disrespectful, and that I expect to be spoiled while never giving back. He told me honestly what he heard and reassured me to keep being myself. Still, I can’t help feeling like I’m always being judged.
My questions are:
- How should I handle this dynamic, knowing what they really think?
- What’s fair to ask of my boyfriend—should I expect him to defend me when he only overheard the conversation?
- How should I act around his family when I do have to see them?
TL;DR: My boyfriend’s family doesn’t approve of me, talks badly about me, and I feel constantly scrutinized. What should I do, and how should my boyfriend and I handle this?