It's been about ten years since I tried to date, at some point it became a lower priority and then kept falling down the ladder until it got entirely buried under general life stuff.
Nowadays I have if anything a negative reaction to the idea of dating or even trying to meet women.
Back in my 20's I remember being interested in dating, but it all just evaporated as I got older and my responsibilities increased.
I already work out, I have a normal testosterone level for my age, I eat health(ish), I don't drink or do any kind of drugs.
Despite that my sex drive and drive to meet women is just entirely gone, I don't even enjoy masturbation anymore as it's not worth the effort compared to just going for a run or reading a book.
My therapist doesn't think I have depression and my doctor reports my blood work is otherwise fine, I still have the urge to socialize and I still enjoy socializing with men but socializing with women has become something I veer away from.
What can I do to change this? I don't have a desire to change which has sabotaged my attempts so far. I want to want this, but I don't know how to change what I want to have.
26 comments
Why do you think you have to date if you don’t want to?
Are you happy living your life as it is now? Why do you feel like you *need* to date? Live how you want to live, not how you think you’re supposed to live.
Is it socializing with women in a romantic context that you avoid, or socializing with women in all contexts that you avoid? There’s nothing wrong with the former if you don’t want to date, but avoiding women all the time in any context is going to be problematic because they’re half the population.
I’m gonna ask a couple questions just to check, no harm no foul
1. Are you sure you still like women? Ten years is a long time, you ever try at least imagining a life with a guy? (Even non sexually?)
2. Are you asexual or aromantic? You can have normal T, not be depressed, and still just not enjoy your current known universe of sexual interactions
It’s hard best of luck!
Hey, I’ve also been single over 10 years and I feel the same way. I have no inherent hate for dating, but the thought of me dating is a little bit of an ick.
I think the root of my lack of urgency, is I’ve been paying for myself and I’m stable. I don’t like the idea of that being undone. A partner dirtying my house, having to carry their weight, when I’ve been doing it all on my own without the extra mess, and without having to navigate someone else’s emotions. I have peace. It just sounds like so much work. Is my peace worth the risk? My brain screams NO.
I’ll definitely go out and socialize, love a good karaoke night. But I’m not really looking. I feel like I can read people better now that I’ve been alone for so long, so I tend to see more things as red flags and not worth my time. I don’t even really care if that’s healthy or not, I’m good. 🤷🏽♀️ I literally do whatever I want, when I want.
That’s the neat part; you don’t.
You don’t. You live in peace and be happy, as happy as one can be in this reality.
Dating sucks
Are you on antidepressants or finasteride/hair loss meds by chance?
Have you discussed this with your therapist? How is your mental health? Is it possible you don’t like yourself deep down and don’t feel worthy of dating? Have you experienced other kinds of love in your life (family/deep friendship)? You don’t need to literally answer me, I’m just giving you things to think about.
Go and do things you enjoy doing. No need to try and be the man you used to be, be the man you are now. Confidence is about being you now… Enjoy the now, smile explore and life will come to you… Wish the best
You don’t. Humans are creatures of habit. This is why we used to pair off young and establish those habits. You have grown accustomed to never having to compromise for another person. It’s not about hormones, and you aren’t alone. All the people who preach never settle on this sub will most likely end up alone because all their habits are based around not having to compromise for anything. I used to never be single and always had great relationships because that was my habits/identity. But women allowed me to be single and establish new habits, creating another person who has no interest in compromising for the opposite sex. If you really read the posts here, most people are in love with the idea of a relationship, not actually being in a realistic one, and that’s why we are single.
I kind of think you’re over thinking 🤔. You seem to be an intelligent man, I could tell you what someone told me when I felt exactly how you feel right now.
I think your problem is you don’t socialize with or befriend women at all. So women probably seem foreign and alien to you. I’d try making friends with women first. If you’re not meeting them try out new hobbies: meetups, classes, amateur sports leagues, etc.
I recommend Angela Chen’s book Ace. While you may not be ace she starts the book by pointing out that some asexual people still have sex because they want their partners to feel good, even if they don’t get sexual satisfaction from it. Asexual/aromantic people arguably think more about sex and romance than anyone because sex and romance is considered “normal,” and being asexual is “not normal.”
Separately, I’d like to add that something about the way you talk about woman mythologizes them as almost untouchable. Women are not breasts and vulvas as much as men are not penises. Not that you said that but I say that to make the point that there are people behind sexual organs and I suggest reframing women as people. People who are socialized differently, and they are people who are trained by society to respond to social cues that signal violence, both implicit and explicit.
Men and women are both emotional beings, however women/femmes deal with misogyny and men don’t. Sexist pay gaps exist, “grab them by the pussy” exists, cat calls exist, being followed, etc.
After some rapport I think it’s ok to say look I don’t have much experience dating but would you want to go out with me? It might be a no, but building up to that vulnerability is key. You never really know what people feel, especially at first impressions. Building connections with people takes time, repetition, and honesty with oneself. If you’re not feeling it, you don’t have to stay. But if there’s something there, “do you want to explore this with me and see where it goes?”
I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum (greysexual specifically) and do have a romantic partner. It’s wonderful to be loved, and to be touched – but not intrinsically different from being loved by a close friend or family member, if you lack the romantic or sexual attraction. You do get to claim ‘first priorities’ with them in ways you can’t for anyone but parents and friends for life, which is something wonderful, but if you lack the attraction, better to find a close friend.
That said, best way to know is try. If you’re curious on what you’re missing out on, just go on some dates! Set a goal for yourself – 10? 20? If you are intrigued after that, keep going. If not, you gave it a shot. I did something similar, it was fun, I found out many many people are not for me. But one was. But that absent of him now, I’m not sure I’m that interested.
I’m in a very similar situation! I’m 35 and have my life basically together besides the relational aspect. dating seems like such an absolute chore. I mean, it always did, but it really does now. I’d also say I’m in a similar place of trying to figure out what, if any, relational dynamic I’m looking for. To be very honest, it’s one of the reasons I’m going back to therapy. Even if the end result is continuing to not date, having some clarity around it will be nice. I’m also being up-front about it during my consultation sessions, and looking for sex-positive, kink-aware, and LGBTQ+ affirming providers, because those are all aspects I’m considering when figuring out what exactly I might want. Just something to consider for your own journey 🙂
If you’re not into it, why bother? Just live your life.
funny, I have the opposite problem
when I was in my 20s I didn’t care about dating and preferred masturbating to seeking sex
then in my 30s I stumbled into two long term very romantic and sexual relationships and now that I’m single again I feel like I’m dying even though it’s only been 5 months since my last breakup… wish I could recapture not giving a shit like I didnt in my teens and early 20s
Folks, please stop berating this clearly neurodivergent person for how they communicate and understand their feelings. The whole thing with these conditions is that they make it tough to be sensitive or tactful.
It’s been about 10 years for me too and I almost brought this up in the last thread I posted in. For me, I kinda just lost it after my druggie ex and I broke up but admittedly, it felt like it was fading before I met her. Honestly, I have no idea and have been wondering the same thing.
The fact that you avoid socializing with women feels off to me. Why? Women are just people like men are. Have you never just enjoyed talking to a woman because they seemed interesting? I don’t really understand totally cutting out social connection with an entire demographic, and more than 50% of people. I think it’s worth examining why you do that.
I also sort if empathize because I went a few years with very little interest in dating. I think it was due to autistic burn out and depression. For me, at that point in time, depression was numbness. I never really cried or felt sad or lonely. But I also never felt any positive emotion very strongly. Dating felt like too much effort. I was still working and doing things outside of work, and if you asked me if I was depressed I would have said no. I ended up going on a medication to help with ADHD and anxiety that also happened to be used to treat depression, plus had some life events that sort of woke me up, and I started feeling things again and wanting to live more fully.
There’s also the possibility that this is just how you are. You could be somewhere on the asexual or aromantic spectrum.
That said, neither of those explain not socializing with women. Maybe I live in a bubble and a lot of straight men are like that? But even if it’s common, it still seems odd to me.
You don’t. A lot of it is hormonal and now that you’re getting older your T levels are sinking. Just live your life.
You just have not met the right person who can spark your interest
I think you should take a step back first and try to get to know women as a group before trying to date them because from reading your post the only outcome I see is that you will be making two people very miserable if you get into a relationship rn